“Do you want to find someplace else that’s not quite as – pungent?”
“It’s fine. I don’t plan on us being here long,” she says, still not looking me in the eye. “Say what you have to say.”
I let out another long breath and focus on taking short, shallow breaths through my mouth. It doesn’t help much, so I hold my cup of cocoa under my nose and inhale the rich chocolate fumes instead. I can feel Berlin staring at me – waiting for me to say what I have to say. Knowing she’s already pre-judged and ruled against me, I know I’ve got an uphill climb in front of me.
But knowing how I feel about her, it’s a climb well worth making. What waits for me at the summit is something that fills me with a light and a joy I never expected to experience in my life – and I want it. More than anything I’ve ever wanted.
“Listen, I’m sorry I didn’t react the way you wanted me to react yesterday –”
She turns to me, outrage on her face. “It’s not about how I wanted you to react.”
“Isn’t it?”
She opens her mouth but sputters and ultimately closes it again without saying anything, perhaps realizing that maybe I have a point. I take her silence as a concession to that.
“News like that – it was shocking, to be honest. It hit me like a brick to the gut, Berlin,” I tell her honestly. “I just wanted a minute to process it all. That’s just who I am – who I’ve always been. I don’t go off half-cocked, and I think things through. I mean, how long have you known? How long have you had to process this?”
She sighs, the anger on her face suddenly giving way to embarrassment. “A – a few weeks now. I wanted to tell you, but I kept chickening out. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kept it from you.”
“I’m sorry, too. I didn’t mean to make you feel like I didn’t want it. It was just so sudden.”
She turns to me for the first time all night. “But you do want it?”
“I was up all last night thinking about it all. I mean – I’m going to be a father,” I say, my voice barely more than a whisper. “It was something I used to dream about if you can believe it. I used to dream about having a whole pile of kids.”
I look up, into the dark, clouded nighttime sky, the waves of disbelief still washing over me. I’m going to be a father. Never before have so few words ever rocked my entire life before.
“Used to?” she asks gently. “But what about now?”
I turn back to her and give her a soft smile. “To be honest, for a lot of years now, I thought that dream was dead. I didn’t honestly think I’d ever find somebody I’d want to have kids with,” I answer. “But then you came along, and you turned my world upside down anyway. In the best way possible.”
She presses her lips together tightly. She’s wearing an inscrutable expression. I have no idea what she’s thinking right now. But the one encouraging thing is that she’s no longer scowling. She doesn’t quite have that, ‘I wonder what he’d look like going through a wood-chipper’ gleam in her eye anymore. So, I take that as a positive sign. Small, but a positive sign, nonetheless.
“I care about you, Berlin. I care about you a hell of a lot,” I continue. “And I know you care about me too.”
She shrugs as if to neither confirm nor deny that she does, in fact, care about me.
“What I’m trying to say is that if I could pick who I wanted to start a family with, you’d be at the top of the list,” I say. “What I’m trying to say here is that, yes, I want you, Berlin – you and our child. I want to be a big part of both of your lives. If you’ll have me.”
Her eyes widen. She looks taken aback like she doesn’t know what to say – which might be a first. She often accuses me of always having an answer – smartass or otherwise – but she’s the one who does. She’s just more subtle about it.
“I would have told you all of this in my office yesterday,” I chuckle. “But, you were busy telling me to fuck off and sprinting for the elevator.”
“R – really?”
I nod, and she looks utterly abashed – well, as abashed as one can look when half their face is covered by a scarf.
“You’re not just saying this because –”
I take her hand and give it a firm squeeze. “Berlin, I say this with all the affection I feel for you – shut up,” I say. “I care about you more than I can even express. I think it’s even safe to say that I – I love you.”
Her eyes grow dinner-plate wide. I imagine that beneath her scarf, her mouth is a perfect ‘O’. Tears make her eyes shimmer in the darkness as she stares at me.
“Say that again?” she whispers.
“Like – all of it, or –”
She punches me in the chest, a laugh bubbling up from her throat. “No. Just the part where you tell me you love me.”
I nod. “I do. I love you, Berlin,” I smile, marveling out how much easier it comes out of my mouth the second time.
She throws her arms around me and squeezes tight. Her tears are warm against my skin as she buries her face in my neck. Her arms are clasped around the back of my neck, and she’s squeezing for all she’s worth. Very nearly choking me out in the process. But I don’t mind.
“I love you too,” she says.
“Good,” I nod. I smile. Maybe things will
