Smiling, I think back to the beach parties I’ve been to. I shake my head. There’s something wrong with the way I think lately. Everything presents itself as though it happened years before, my thoughts weave themselves in a way that makes me feel like my life is over. Like I’m done. The logical part of my brain kicks in, and I curse myself for being a dumb shit.
But damn these thoughts. I don’t know where they come from or why I can’t seem to get over myself. I opened up when I told the truth. I became vulnerable, only I don’t know who to. Not one person I care about has treated me any differently than before. I’ve had no negativity from loved ones. Nobody’s shunned me or turned their backs on me. Except for my dad, and he’s not part of my life anymore anyway.
It’s me. I’m the one who’s been acting strangely. But I don’t know why. It’s like there’s a leaky tap in my brain, and no matter what I do it won’t stop dripping. I’m corroding on the inside.
But how do I stop the poison when it’s coming from within me?
I drag my hands from the warmth of the pockets and reach inside the jacket for my iPod. Slipping my earbuds in, I search for a song, smiling when Jason Walker ‘Everybody Lies’ starts playing. I take one more glance over at the bonfire watching the normal college students jumping around and laughing before I walk away from them. My pace isn’t rushed, taking my time as I wander a little further down the beach. The only light now comes from the moon, which is high in the sky and so bright you could be forgiven for believing someone was up there with a massive spotlight aimed downward.
I reach my safe place, a small collection of rocks, and turn to look back at the bonfire. It’s far enough away I feel better, safe in my own company. Seating myself on one of the rocks, I lay back on the sloped one behind me. They’re all fairly big, at least three of them are more like boulders, so I’m reasonably shielded from the wind. I decide to pull off my jacket and roll it up using it as a pillow for my head. I lay back again, so I’m almost horizontal and pull the beanie over my eyes, wrapping my arms across my body. I’m glad that I, at least, put a Henley on before coming out, it gives me a little more warmth than a regular tee would.
I can smell the ocean, the salt tickles my nostrils in a safely familiar scent. Ashes Remain ‘On My Own’ starts playing, and my muscles tighten as I listen. My abdomen feels heavy like there’s a medicine ball sitting on it. I try to soften my body, but my mind is another thing. One song moves into another, and slowly, my body and mind find each other and drift together.
I’m jolted awake when I feel a knock to my shin. Pulling my beanie up, away from my eyes, I realize it’s still dark. Someone’s standing in front of me, but I can’t see who as my vision’s a little blurry from sleep. I pop the earphones out.
A deep chuckle rumbles from the blur and skips over every inch of my skin. Absently, I realize I’m still lying down, and my Henley has traveled up my stomach, showing off my lower abs. While I wouldn’t usually mind too much, it’s fricking freezing, and I’m still trying to get my brain and body to function.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to disturb your sleep, but you do realize its two a.m. dude.” The guy’s voice is deep, just like his chuckle, and I can hear the humor in his tone.
Scratching the back of my head, and pulling my beanie off completely, I do an ab curl and sit myself up on the rocks, rubbing my eyes to clear the drowsiness.
When I reopen them something happens. I look up, taking real notice of the guy standing in front of me. I blink, again and again, thinking I’m dreaming.
“You okay?” he asks, amber eyes draw me in without even trying. My heart comes alive for the first time in so long. I feel like I’m in a real-life version of the second Matrix film. You know the one where Neo puts his hand into Trinity’s chest, then brings her back to life by pumping her heart in his fingers. For me, in this moment, there’s an affinity I suddenly feel with the film.
I breathe, and for the first time in ages, my chest relaxes while the weight slides off me. Finally, I can catch my breath. He’s given that to me, and I’m shocked and overwhelmed all at the same time.
“Hey,” he murmurs, narrowing his eyes. Concern—or maybe it’s confusion—is etched around the edges.
“Sorry.” I shake my head and stand up to my full height, matching us almost exactly. “I must have dozed off. Didn’t mean to stay out this late.”
“It happens.” He shrugs with a grin.
“What are you doing out here?” I ask, ignoring the fact I haven’t even asked him for his name yet.
“Can’t always sleep. I like to walk the beach at night.”
“Caden,” I say holding out my hand.
“Casper.” He lifts his chin, but also grips my hand. His handshake is firm but gentle, and I try desperately not to have a reaction to him. I don’t want to hope he’s gay. I’m not sure why, but I think if he were straight it would crush me.
I’ve spent
