Mims shook her head. “No, you can’t. Because I said you can’t. And it will be fun. It’ll be good for you. And maybe Tillie will be there.”
“You’re not going to give up, are you?”
“Never.” She smiled. “So say you’ll go, and that will be that.”
Levi sighed. “Fine,” he said. “I’ll go.”
* * *
“I insist,” Mamm said. “Now redo your hair and get ready for the party. Express your milk and I’ll watch the baby.”
Tillie looked from Emmy, who was sleeping peacefully in the baby carrier, to her mamm.
“Come on,” Leah said. “Everybody’s going to be there.”
“So you say.” She bit her lip. “It’s just . . . She’s never eaten from a bottle before. What happens if she doesn’t take it?”
“If she doesn’t take it,” Mamm said, “I’ll get in my buggy and bring her to you at the party.”
Tillie looked down to her baby once again. She hated the idea of Emmy eating from a bottle. But she supposed it was necessary. Soon she would have to get a job. Hopefully the day care center would let her keep Emmy there. Maybe at a reduced rate. She hoped so, anyway. And there would be times when she couldn’t be with her, and Emmy would have to be fed with a bottle then. There was no way around it.
“Okay.”
Leah jumped up and down and clapped her hands.
“I’m going to run into town and get Jamie and Peter,” Leah said. “Then I’ll be right back.”
Tillie stopped. “Peter’s going?”
“No, he’s staying with Mamm.”
Tillie looked to her mamm. “Can you handle Peter and a baby? I should stay here.”
Mamm propped her hands on her hips and shot Tillie a disbelieving look. “I took care of Jim, David, Leah, Hannah, and you all at the same time, and you don’t think I can handle a baby and a wonderful seven-year-old?”
“I’m guessing the answer to this is ‘Not at all’?” Though she didn’t bother to point out that Jim was practically out of the house before she herself had been born. She wasn’t sure Mamm was up for that logic tonight.
“Shoo,” Mamm said. “Go to your room and change your clothes. I got this.”
Tillie almost smiled at her mother’s language, then turned to go into her room. She stopped in front of the mirror behind the door and took a hard look at herself. She was still wearing the nursing dress that she had borrowed from Anna. It was blue and of a nice enough material. But it was Amish.
This whole time she had been kidding herself that she might get to stay Amish. She had called Melvin the day before, and she had heard nothing from him. She should have left Leah’s number with him. But it wasn’t like he didn’t know the name of the store. He could’ve looked it up himself. But he hadn’t bothered to call. He hadn’t bothered to show up. And her hopes of remaining in Pontotoc were truly dashed.
She unpinned her prayer kapp from her head and set it on the desk by the door. Then she shucked out of her dress and hung it in the closet next to the purple maternity dress that she had borrowed from Anna as well. Then she pulled out her own skirt and shirt and put them on. She redid her hair in a more English-looking bob, or bun, as they called it, without any twists and a little higher on her head. She pulled on her boots and made her way back to the front of the house.
Mamm’s eyes widened in surprise. “You’re not going like that? Are you?”
Tillie didn’t bother to even look at herself. She nodded. “I am.” Because it was time that she accepted this was who she was now and probably always would be.
* * *
It was just as she had suspected. Even in English clothes the people around her hadn’t forgiven her for her transgressions. Technically she supposed she hadn’t asked for forgiveness. When someone moved too close, they cast her a look and sidled away. Tillie felt a little like one of those poisonous frogs from Africa that she had seen at the zoo. They were different looking, with bright colors and black markings, and their skin was so poisonous a person couldn’t even touch them without dying. That was how she felt, as if people thought that if they got too close to her, her sins would somehow rub off on them. No matter. Tomorrow was Christmas Eve, and the next day Christmas. And on Monday she would talk Leah into taking her back to Columbus.
The only place you have to stay in Columbus is with Melvin.
And that would never work. Maybe she should distance herself from him. Maybe start over in Tupelo. Or Corinth. Somewhere else. She supposed if she tried hard enough, she could start over anywhere.
“Is this seat taken?”
She looked up and smiled. “Levi.”
He nodded toward the space beside her on the couch. Around them a party was happening, people being merry, drinking green-colored punch and eating Christmas cookies, and wishing good cheer upon one another. Most everyone wore a necklace made of shiny garland or a crown fashioned of the same. It was festive and fine, but she was in no way a part of it.
“Sure,” she said. “If you dare.”
He sat down next to her and raised an inquisitive brow.
“I think everyone here thinks I have cooties.” She was completely making too light of the situation, but it was either that or wallow in it, and she really didn’t feel like wallowing anymore. She’d made her bed and all that.
“I don’t suppose it would do any good if I told them you
