“Anna, I don’t think he’s going to be there,” Clay cautioned.
“I need optimism right now,” I cut him off. “Tell me something positive.”
“That’s not how friendship works….”
He was right, of course, but I needed to do this. I spent so many nights, holidays, and birthdays wondering who my dad was. I had to find him. I had so many questions. Why did he never call? Why did he never write? Why did he never want me? I was going to find out one way or another. I had to. He owed that to me. The world owed that to me.
I found the dirt road from the memory and floored the truck so it wouldn’t get stuck in the mud. I emerged in the big open field where the trailer had been all those years ago.
The funny part was, some small part of me had been convinced it would still be there. I thought that maybe Blake would be there, and maybe, just maybe, he would be happy to see me. Maybe he would invite me in and make me a coffee. Maybe he would tell me that he missed me, and that he had tried to contact me. Maybe we could build some type of relationship. But maybes don’t set anything in stone. When I rolled up, I could feel the hope slip between my fingers.
“It’s not here.” I let out a breath. “Where did he go?”
“It’s been years, Anna,” Clay replied gently. “He probably moved on.”
“Don’t say that. He has to be around. I know it. I was so close. He sat exactly where you’re sitting.” I looked over at Clay sitting in the passenger seat. I wanted to cry.
I got out of the truck and ran to the spot where his trailer had stood. There was nothing there. I fell to my knees. I could see my tears hitting the grass. I could barely catch my breath.
“I saw him, Clay. I saw him with my own two eyes.” I was beginning to lose myself. “You saw him too, right?” I was pleading now.
“Yes.” Clay knelt down and put a hand on my shoulder. “I saw him too.”
I was beginning to get really sweaty and felt super dizzy. It was another anxiety attack.
“I can’t catch my—” I couldn’t finish my sentence; my throat was beginning to clog.
Clay caught wind of it fast and placed both of his hands on my head and looked me in the eye. His eyes turned blue and he said, “Hold on, Anna. I’ve got you.”
The open field, the grass, the truck, it all faded away seamlessly, and we were surrounded by darkness. A cool breeze blew in my face from the distance, and I finally felt like I could catch my breath again.
“Oh, my God,” I gasped, holding on to Clay. “I saw him. I saw him, and he was real. He was real.”
“Shhh,” Clay soothed. “Let’s just rest right now, Anna.”
I lay there in the darkness, holding his hand. We stayed in that place for a while. I thought of it as safe place. Somewhere away from the world. It was like a waiting room if life ever got too heavy. Clay motioned his hand and the darkness became peppered with stars.
“Just focus on those, okay?” he said. “It’s going to be okay. I promise.”
I hoped Clay was better at keeping promises than I was.
It felt like hours, but I honestly had no idea how much time passed. Clay noticed I was breathing at a normal pace again and he said, “You ready to go back home?”
“Not really,” I said. “Can we just stay here?”
I was grateful he had taken me away from it all. I still couldn’t believe I had seen my dad. Even more, I couldn’t believe Mom had never told me any of it.
“You could stay, but your Mom would probably freak out.” Clay half grinned.
“She’s always freaking out these days.” I sighed. “We should go back, I guess.”
Clay snapped his fingers, and the darkness began to fade away. The stars fizzed out but once everything was said and done, reality didn’t look much different. The moon was resting above us, while stars took over the sky.
“How long were we there?” I asked.
“A while, but it’s fine. Are you okay?”
“I don’t know.” I got to my feet and wiped the grass off my jeans. I turned around and saw the truck still in the same spot. We pulled out and back onto the highway towards Yarmouth. I didn’t want the road to end. I wanted to keep driving. At least when I was driving, I was in control. We drove back to the town in silence, and once we got close to my grandparents’ house Clay said, “I’m around if you need me.”
I looked to my right to reply, but he was gone.
I had a feeling Mom would be waiting for me, and sure enough, there she was, on the front porch in her housecoat.
“Anna!” she whisper-yelled. “Where were you?”
When I saw her, I didn’t know how to react. I kept thinking about her being the young, scared teenager in the dirty grey hoodie. I knew I couldn’t bring that up, since I didn’t have any reason to know about any of it. It would only make things worse.
“I was…at Tia’s place.”
“No. You weren’t. I called, and you weren’t there.” She crossed her arms. “Not only that,” she continued, “but I got a call from Ms. Anderson. Why weren’t you in class today? Apparently it wasn’t the first time either. What’s up with that?”
“I… I….”
“Nothing to say? C’mon, Anna. You’re better than that. You’re better than this.”
How dare she say that? After I saw what I saw, those words coming out of her mouth sounded like some sick joke. She was the one who took me away from my hometown and then hauled me back and expected me to pretend everything was normal. This wasn’t normal. Grampy
