I floored it all the back down the main road. I didn’t know what to do or where to go. I didn’t even know where Clay was; he had just disappeared. The journal was sitting on the passenger side, almost torn apart.
“Come on, Clay!” I yelled while trying to focus on the road. “Give me something. Give me anything. Please.”
I couldn’t lose my best friend. I could feel my throat begin to clog up.
“No. Not now.” I tried to calm myself down but it was only getting worse. An anxiety attack is like quicksand—the more you struggle, the deeper it pulls you down. I could feel myself sinking into it while on the road. It was the worst possible time to have an anxiety attack.
Suddenly I heard a groan from the passenger seat.
“Ohhh God.”
I looked over to see Clay holding his stomach. Blood was still pouring from his mouth.
“Clay! Shit, are you okay?” I managed to ask.
“No,” he whimpered. “I don’t know what’s happening.”
I knew I had to stay focused. I had to get him back to the house, and repairing the journal would repair him. But when I looked over again I noticed the blue energy rising from him like fog.
“Clay, what’s happening?”
“I don’t know. But you have to hold on. Keep driving.”
I gripped the steering wheel as hard as I could, but that did nothing to keep my mind grounded. The wheel faded into nothing, and so did the seat I was sitting in, along with the rest of the truck. I was floating and Clay was nowhere to be seen.
“Clay? Clay!”
Gravity kicked in like it had been waiting for me, and I fell on my butt.
As I was catching my breath I could feel something, someone, pull my hair.
“Ow!” I closed my eyes, and when I opened them I was back on my grandparents’ front steps. “What the fuck!”
“Annaka!” my grandmother scolded. She was braiding my hair. “Who taught you language like that?”
“Nan?”
“Me?! You know I don’t use that language.”
“No. I mean, why are we here?”
I looked at my hands, and saw I was a little girl again. I didn’t know what was going on—why did Clay take me back? Was I still driving the truck in the present? What caused this sudden shift?
“Don’t be foolish,” Nan said. “We live here.”
“No.” I stood up, grabbing my hair.
“Wait! We’re not done.” Nan tried to grab me to sit back down, but I slipped her grip and ran up into the tree house. What was happening? I looked out the tree house window at the lake. There were pleasure boats and warm sun. It was like any other summer day.
“Why are we back here?” I asked aloud. I climbed back down the ladder and saw Nan had followed me and was waiting at the bottom.
“Aren’t you gonna let me finish your hair? We can’t have you running around looking like that!”
“The journal,” I said to myself. I had to find it. It had to be in my room, where it always was. I ran past Nan and made my way inside. When I opened my bedroom door, I spied the journal on the bed. Yes!
But when I picked it up, the book began falling apart in front of me.
“No. No. No! Clay? Where are you?”
The bedroom faded into the dark place. The only thing that remained was my closet door. It was open a crack and I could see a blue glow seeping from inside.
“Are you in there?” I asked, approaching the door.
I pushed it open and the light blinded me.
When I opened my eyes again, I was sitting at a table with Laura, Taylor, and Lucy. We were all young. I looked across the table to see Tia at the front.
“Happy birthday, Tia!” Jonathan came in holding a cake.
“Oh no.” I put my head in my hands. Was I trapped in the memories?
Jonathan began cutting the cake and placing pieces in front of each of us.
“Aren’t you gonna eat, Annaka?” he asked me.
“I’m not hungry,” I replied.
I put my head down. How was I going to get out of this? Without the journal, without Clay, there was nothing I could do.
“Oh, come on,” Jonathan was saying. “A little cake won’t hurt anyone.”
When I looked up, Jonathan was gone. So was everyone else. The table stayed, and on it was a slice of birthday cake. I was surrounded by darkness.
“Clay, if you’re there,” I said, “please bring me back.”
“Oh my gosh, Annaka. You’re still going on about that imaginary friend?” I could hear Tia laugh, but she wasn’t there. I could hear the other girls laugh too, and I felt alone. I didn’t respond. I just sat there in front of my cake.
“What were you freaking out about?” I heard my grandfather’s concerned voice as the table and cake disappeared.
“Because I’m pregnant.” Mom’s voice filled my ears. “It’s true!” I heard Mom’s cries in the darkness. “All I do is let you down. All I do is let everyone down. I am such a fuck-up. I just ruined everything!” Her words echoed.
“Shhh,” I heard Grampy reassuring her. “You can never let me down.” His humming fill the air, and I couldn’t help but cry. I shut my eyes, hoping I could escape this darkness. But all I heard was Grampy humming away. Tears ran down my cheeks.
Eventually my grandfather’s humming turned into Aunt Annaka’s humming.
When I opened my eyes, I was in the hospice again.
“Oh no, not this one.” I shut my eyes. “I hate this one so, so much.”
Grampy and Annaka couldn’t see or hear me—this wasn’t my memory—but I could see Grampy crying as he held on to Annaka’s arm, screaming her name.
“Annaka! Come back, Come back, please. Annaka. Please.”
I closed my eyes and I
