I held on to Clay with one arm, while reaching for the journal with my other hand. I brought the book around his back, squeezing him as gently as I could.
“I’ll never forget you,” I whispered, and kissed his soft cheek.
That’s when I ripped it.
I did it fast, all in one go. The blue energy blew back and everything around me began to disappear.
“I’m always with you, Annaka. You’re always worth the wait,” Clay whispered to me as he faded away for the last time.
I looked out the window of the tree house and saw the stars above my head fizzling away. Blue energy was seeping from the ground like fog. I closed my eyes, holding back tears with my fists clenched, resenting the world for being as cruel as it was. For taking away my co-pilot.
When I opened my eyes again, I let my fists go. Everything was back to normal, the stars rested above my head, and I could feel the hard wooden floor of the tree house beneath me.
I was back in reality without my best friend.
“He’s gone,” I cried aloud. “He’s gone.”
Chapter 24
One of the last stages of grief is depression. And when I lost Clay, it felt like I skipped over all the other stages. After Clay died, I lost track of time, I lost track of friends, I lost track of family. I felt everything and nothing all at once. It was like feeling numb, but on fire all at the same time. I spent most nights crying myself to sleep. Mom thought I was going through delayed grieving for Grampy. But of course, I couldn’t tell anyone the truth except Tia.
Tia tried her hardest to keep me in good spirits, but she understood when I didn’t always get back to her. I had dealt with two deaths so closely to each other and was reliving that pain all over again. My entire life felt like one big cycle of grief and it weighed on me. It was so heavy.
So it made sense that one day when I was in bed feeling so far away from the rest of the world, I didn’t even notice Tia walk into my room.
“Hey, hey,” she said. “It’s two o’clock and you’re still in bed?”
“Hi.” I blew my nose. “What’s up in the world of Tia? Coming to visit her depressed best friend?”
“You really think I’d miss your birthday?”
That caught me off guard. I didn’t even know what day of the week it was, let alone when my birthday was. “I’m glad one of us remembered.” I rolled over.
Tia came close, sat on the edge of my bed, and held me. “How are you feeling?”
“It hurts,” I said into her shoulder. “It hurts more every day.”
“I know.” She kissed my forehead.
I had kept the journal. It was completely torn in half, but I’d kept it anyway. I spent so many nights trying to put it back together in the garage, but nothing worked. I had been hopeful for a bit, but eventually the hope faded away, just like he did.
“I dream about what happened almost every night.” I choked up. “But I can’t change anything. If I’d just listened to Clay, if I’d just done things a little differently, then he’d still be here. With me.”
“Hey, hey,” Tia calmed with her voice. “You were doing what your heart told you to.”
“My heart was wrong.”
“I’ve heard that before,” she replied. “It just means you’re human.”
I sighed. “Maybe.”
“Anna.” She paused. “Sorry, Annaka. You’ve been in your room for a month now. I know it’s hard, but we have to try. Is this what he would—”
“No,” I interrupted. “He would want me to live my life. He would want me to go to school, become an A+ student, and to strive for greatness no matter what obstacles come my way.” I looked away. “But he isn’t here, Tia. Clay isn’t here to tell me that himself. And it hurts. It hurts so bad.”
Tia noticed the ripped-up journal on my nightstand. She went over to it, examining all of the pages that had fallen out.
“There’s a lot in here, eh?”
“Yeah,” I replied. “He knew all of it, inside and out.”
“And you want to keep it?”
“I don’t know.” I sat up. “I don’t know if I can. It just, it hurts looking at it.”
“Ahh, I see.” Tia set it down. “Have you ever thought of giving it a proper burial?”
I couldn’t bury the memories. They were all I had. All those entries, all those times we spent jumping back to them. All the nights we stayed up, hanging out in the dark place like a second home. I couldn’t bury them. If I did, that would make all of this real, like when I touched Grampy’s urn.
“I can’t,” I said.
Tia could tell how hard it hurt when I said that. “Oh, Annaka.” She gave me a hug. When she pulled back, she tried to change the subject. “Why don’t we do something tonight, birthday girl?” She smiled.
I didn’t feel like I was in any shape to go out. “Like what?”
“We’ll have a girls’ night. We don’t need a plan. We can just go wherever the road takes us. The skies are going to be clear tonight. Let’s take advantage!”
The last few weeks had been mostly rain, and I had spent most of it in my bedroom. It would be nice to maybe get some air, get away from these four walls for a bit.
“Do you want to?” Tia pressed.
“I think so.” I nodded. “Text me in a bit, and I’ll let you know.”
“Whatever you want.” She gave me one more big squeeze before getting up. “I gotta head to work, but I’ll text you once I’m off. Okay?”
“Okay.” I continued to lie in my bed, and looked over to the journal. I knew I had to get rid of it, but I wasn’t ready to let go, no matter how hard
