“I think I should apologize.” Her mom’s sad smile underscored the realization that Jess had misinterpreted a major part of her childhood. “We always tried to keep our problems away from you.”
“And I’m grateful for that. But if I had opened my eyes, I could have seen all the work it took. I guess I was blind and naive. And this might sound conceited, but I always achieved everything I set out to do. Track team, med school, getting the dates everyone else was envious of. I was the youngest cardiologist in our hospital to specialize in the TAVR technique. I thought I could do everything.” Heat rose into Jess’s cheeks. Yes, that did sound conceited, privileged, and terribly shallow. When had she turned into a woman she couldn’t respect anymore?
“And you can do everything, but maybe not in the exact way you imagined. Change is a part of life. It’s not too late to ask yourself where your priorities in life are and how you want to proceed.”
That was frighteningly close to what Lena had said to her. Jess nodded. “And I need to look at how my decisions impact others. Mom, is taking care of Ella too much for you during the day?”
“At the moment, no.”
Jess could leave it at that. She had an answer that could quiet her guilty conscience, but she owed it to her mom to dig deeper. “But for how long? What about in a few months or a year?”
“That’s a long time from now, but you’re right. We need to talk about it. I’m tapping into my energy reserves. It’s not a problem for now, but I can’t say how long they’ll last. But you know I’m happy to take care of Ella anytime. I love her as much as I love you and would do anything for my girls.”
Tears pooled in Jess’s eyes, and she blinked them away. “Thank you, but I don’t think it’s a great idea we’re both running around depleting our reserves. I have to find an alternative. I thought I had, but…” She grimaced. She didn’t want to go into her discussion with Lena with her mom. She wasn’t sure she understood enough of what had happened.
“I’ll support you, whatever you do. This alternative… Are you talking about the offer you made Lena?”
“She told you?” Jess froze with her spoon halfway to her mouth. “What did she say?”
“Not much. She told me you offered her a job as a nanny. Why did you do that?”
“I thought she’d love working with Ella. And I trust her, more than anyone but you.” Jess sighed. “I offended her, but I’m not sure why. How is she?”
“When I saw her this morning, she was hurt and confused. She’s even thinking about moving.”
“What? Why?” The spoon fell into the bowl, and hot soup splashed on Jess’s hand. She couldn’t care less about that.
“So she can avoid you. Or so she said.”
“But…she loves the garden house and the work with you. Why would she give all that up to avoid me?” Jess’s heart clenched. Had she driven Lena away?
“You need to ask her that, not me.”
“Do you think she’d talk to me?” The thought that she wouldn’t, that it was too late, hurt as if a knife twisted in Jess’s stomach.
“Yes of course. Lena needs a little time. And unlike you, she likes to talk through her problems, not stew over them silently.”
Since when did her mom know Lena so well? But she was right. Time was something she could give, even if it would take all her resolve not to run to Lena right now. “I’ll give her time, and then I’ll apologize. Maybe we can get our friendship back.”
“Is friendship all there is between you?”
The memory of waking in Lena’s arms flashed in her mind, followed by the picture of sitting at her feet on the ottoman in her bedroom. Jess couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt so seen and cared for, but she’d fled like a coward. She’d feared she was getting in too deep, too fast. “Maybe not. But I don’t know if I can offer her more. I’m not the best I can be at the moment.”
“But maybe you don’t need to be more now. She seems to like you as you are. You can always grow together.”
Jess leaned back in her chair. “Maybe.” Another thing to put on her mental list of things to consider. Even if she wasn’t her best self, would she have something to offer Lena might want? Would Lena be able to see past her failings and weaknesses, or would she reject what little Jess had to offer? And where could she find the time for a relationship when she wasn’t even able to care for her child alone?
Lena ripped open the large envelope and poured out the contents on the kitchen table. Her former roommate had forwarded anything in her letterbox indiscriminately. She could imagine far better plans for the evening than sorting mail, but she had learned the hard way that procrastination didn’t help paying her bills.
Junk, Chinese takeout menu, junk, a bill she already had paid, junk, pizza menu. Lena sighed in relief. For once, she seemed to be on top of things. She picked up the pizza menu to add it to the recycling stack and recoiled as if she’d uncovered a snake about to bite.
The white envelope with her typed name and address looked like nothing special. But one glance at the sender was all it took to freeze her with panic.
Her mother had written her. Again. Hadn’t she understood Lena didn’t want to keep in contact? She’d never replied to any of the letters and had ignored all phone calls. What more
