“Hi, Mom.”
“Jess, you’re here already.” Her tone held no accusation, but it still felt like one.
Maybe because the topic had been on Jess’s mind all day. “Yeah, not much going on at work.” Only because she had pushed everything from her schedule that wasn’t time sensitive. Her residents and fellows were annoyed, but Jess had never attempted to win the most-likable competition and wouldn’t start now.
“Hi, honey. Did you have fun today?” Jess went to Ella and picked her up. She kissed the smooth cheek, inhaling her scent. Home.
Ella opened her hands and reached out, and Jess gave her a finger to cling to.
With Ella on her arm, she wandered over to the stove. “What are you cooking?” The pot was enormous as if her mom planned to feed her high school track team.
“Vegetable soup. The garden is overflowing, so I thought I’d freeze a few batches for winter. It’s almost ready. Do you want to join me for dinner?”
That would be the perfect opportunity to ask her mom a few questions. At least if they were alone. “Won’t Lena eat with you?”
“No, she wanted to eat alone tonight.” Her mom gave her the look. The look prompting her to spill her guts.
Jess flashed back to her teenage years when she had done something stupid or tried to hide anything. She refrained from rolling her eyes, but it was difficult.
“I’ll set the table.” She switched Ella to her hip and gathered the cutlery, water glasses, and napkins one handed. Another throwback to her teenage years, but now she did the job without sulking because she was grateful someone had cooked and she didn’t need to. Maybe it was time to say things like that out loud. “Thanks for cooking, Mom. I really appreciate your homemade meals.”
Her mom carried two ceramic bowls filled with steaming soup to the table. She sat down with a wide smile. “I can’t remember hearing that from you before. You’re welcome.”
They both dug in, and for a few minutes, the sounds of spoons dipping and contented sighs transported Jess to her childhood years.
“Mom, how did you do it? Balance your career and motherhood?” Jess held the spoon out of Ella’s reach to let it cool.
“Mmh, I guess I was lucky. I had just gotten a secure position at the university and took a year off. You were an easy baby, and your dad worked long hours, so I had time to write my first book. That sold well, not only in academia, and the university was more than happy to get me back afterward. Later I scheduled my lectures and office hours around your daycare and school. But we were a very privileged family. Money was never a problem for us, and we could hire people to clean, cook, and run errands.”
“It all sounds so easy.”
“Well, I glossed over the exhausting details.” Her mom smiled and took a sip of water. “You never asked me that before.”
“I always took everything for granted. Hot meals when I arrived home, clean laundry, help with my homework. I never wondered how you fit in everything with a career.”
“And now you’re looking for a way to handle it yourself?”
“Yes. I’m tired all the time, and I don’t know if it’s remnants of my illness or everything else.”
“I was constantly tired for five or six years. It got better once you started school.”
Jess grimaced. That wasn’t an enticing prospect. “What else did you gloss over?”
“I often felt alone. I loved your dad, but he was focused on his work and we barely saw each other, mostly just on weekends. I don’t know if you remember, but in the early years, he worked on Saturdays too.”
Those Saturdays had been the highlight of Jess’s week. “I remember he took me with him sometimes. He always told me to stay in his office and paint something, but I snuck into the exam rooms and hid while he talked to patients. He had such a calming presence. I loved to listen to him.”
Her mom shook her head with an indulgent smile. “I’m glad I only learned about that years later.”
“You know, when I was a teenager, I always wanted to be a parent like Dad. Relaxed, fun on the weekends, always patient. He always had time for me in the evenings.” With the eyes of a single mother, these memories took on another shape as if someone had removed the colorful filter. “But he was home less than I remember, right? Did he help you with the day to day stuff?”
“Your question says it all. He was always there for you, and he helped some. But if you want to know if it was an equal partnership, no. I did most of the mundane work, and he did the fun parts. I’m not hung up about it, but maybe you shouldn’t look at your dad or me as examples. Different times, different circumstances. What do you want? What kind of parent do you want to be?”
That question left her speechless for a moment. Jess ate a few more bites of soup to gain time, then put the spoon down. “I thought I knew, but…I really have no clue.”
“Jess, honey, before your first day at school, you showed me a list of things you needed to learn in order to become a doctor. Before you started college, you had all your coursework mapped out for the next four years. Why do you have plans and contingency plans for everything but didn’t think about this before you got pregnant? Or during your pregnancy?”
“I wish I knew. I always thought I had more time, and everything would fall into place naturally.” Jess ran her hand through her hair. Her mom was right. This lack
