Because of You

alone, so she let rip in those pages. She often stayed up late at night filling up endless notebooks rather than sleeping. She’d been known to fall asleep on her desk at school because she was shattered. She had never fallen asleep in English though. She would fall asleep in useless classes like Maths or Chemistry. Or Politics. Pointless lessons, where words or drawings didn’t seem to matter. She liked the patterns that formulas made in Maths, but not enough to keep her awake.

Most of her friends were forever looking at their tiny phone screens, but not Minnie.

‘Cha, put that daftness down for a second and look at mi face, eh?’

Minnie preferred everything to be outward, flowing from her own imagination on to the page. She was a sender rather than a receiver. A creator. Originator.

Minnie had never taken a selfie in her life.

She didn’t want to be the focus of any attention.

She didn’t need to see photos to know what she looked like.

She looked like Minnie.

Minnie with the broad open face, huge dark brown eyes and skin the colour of a perfect new acorn. She had a high forehead with a button-broad nose which was covered with currant-bun freckles. She had a wide, full mouth with what her mother called ‘enviably even teeth’ and ‘lips that everyone wants to kiss’. Her hair was a bit of a trademark, a veritable fountain of reddish-brown curls, which gave zero tosses about tidiness.

In a moment of crazy abandonment, Minnie had asked her mum to bleach the top part of her hair from her ears up, like a wild Mohican. It took hours to lift her natural colour out, but she had a topknot of pure yellow straw until she added the bright orange dye on top. When it was dry, it fell down over the dark hair like a creamy curly topping on a carrot cake. When they saw the result mother and daughter ran around the room, clapping with glee, they loved it so much.

But that was all way before she knew she was pregnant, before she knew … everything.

When she was Minnie Parker, no question.

When she knew who she was.

Not like now.

Minnie stroked her tight belly, took a deep breath in an effort to steady her erratically thudding heart, and she strained to write:

Dear Mum,

Bean is so ready to be born. It isn’t time yet, but I’m about to burst, and I’m getting too tired too quick, so she better come soon.

I say ‘she’. I don’t know. I told them not to tell me. The nurse said, ‘Oh what a lovely healthy-looking little …’ and I started to do lalalala really loudly so I didn’t hear what came next. Lee was laughing so hard he did that snorting thing, then he joined in with the lalala and so did the nurse and know what? – Bean was jumping about inside. I reckon she was giving it the full lalala too. I call her ‘she’ because that’s my normal. Girl power, eh, Mum?

Oh God, how much did we love the Spice Girls?!

So, this is the

soundtrack to My Weird Life

, OK?

Spice Girls on a daily basis – you

The Specials and Bob Marley on a daily basis – Grandad Zak

Madonna – Nanna Doris

Gaga – me

Rihanna – me

Kate Tempest – me

Katy Perry – you & me

Pink – you

Green Day – you and me

Beyoncé – you and me

Adele – you and me

Cardi B – me

Skepta – Lee

Best Best Best Thing right now: Janelle Monáe – there are no pretenders to this kween’s throne.

Btw, talking about Girl Power, you able to catch up with the news? On #MeToo? That American film producer is done, guy!

Ever seen a man look more like a predator than him? No. I saw the first girl who blew the whistle, Rose something, in an interview. Her face, Mum.

she’ll never be all right

she has to haul the hate around

she’s packing disgust

worst of all, it’s mainly for herself

she loathes what she did

what he did

and what he did made her loathe herself

i can’t even forgive him … how could she?

there’s no way out for her

except a tiny crack of light

where all her sisters are

where i am

where you are

saying come on Rose

tell it all

put him away

but telling means

Rose has to set fire to herself

so we can all keep warm

and safe

she’s not Rose

she’s Joan

So that got me thinking about how some people sacrifice everything so that other people can live better.

and that’s you, mama

the judge decided THEY were the victims

and me

but I know what you did

i know how you lugged your secret about

all on your own

to protect me

worried and guilty and heavy

you sacrificed your honesty

and for an honest person, the

most

honest

that was a huge forfeit

with a huge price

but when you come home

Bean will be here

i will tell her all about you

she will know you

my mum

her grandma

look at what you did to be a mum

how much you wanted it

how lucky am i?

to be so longed for

but today – i am understanding something

in a way I couldn’t ’til now

i will be a mum soon

and like you did

i feel her moving about inside

i know

that if Bean died now

i would be out of my mind

she mustn’t die

she must live

or i will die

i already love her too much

i’m scared, mum

what if – i have your same genes and it’s an inherited thing?

then

i remember

because i do forget

that

I DON’T HAVE YOUR GENES

i have hers

the ‘victim’s’ genes

and SHE DID have a living baby

so …

at this exact moment

however much i love you

and i do

i have to say

i’m glad she was my mum

there

said it

PLEASE PLEASE understand

it’s just about Bean

right now i want the best chance for her

I want everything to go right

i know you will get it, mum

because you get me.

i wish you were here

not just for me

for you

and for Bean

she’s getting ready, mum

she’s got to be strong

i can hear you

telling me it will be OK

come on, Minnie Moo

come on, Bean

come on, life

i love you, mama

for EVERYTHING you are

i can see all the memories in my mind:

i am in your arms

i am three and