“I’m not punishing myself,” she argued vehemently, pulling at the robe, trying to tighten the sash. Pepper felt incredibly vulnerable and wasn’t sure how to stop his words. They hurt in a strange way.
For a long moment, he stood in front of her, waiting for her to stop trying to pull away. To pay attention to what he was about to say. “You’re punishing yourself by pushing me away, Pepper. You love me. With all of your heart, you love me. I know it, so don’t try to deny it.”
Pepper stared, that pit in her chest aching harder now, and remained stoically silent.
His fingers dove into her hair, loose after her bath and her long sleep. “You think that finding comfort with me would ease your pain and you want to wallow in your pain as punishment for what you perceive as your fault. But it isn’t working. Denying yourself isn’t painful enough, is it?” His thumb slid over her hair in a gentle caress. “So, you hurt yourself more by not eating. Not enjoying life the way you used to. You are punishing yourself by eliminating anything that used to bring you joy.”
He was right! Pepper hadn’t realized she was doing so but…! “You’re wrong. I’ve moved on and am just…”
“You won’t even let the sunshine come in through your windows, Pepper. Remember how you told me that you didn’t care about the thin windows in this building because you loved the sunlight so much?”
She cringed at the reminder and glanced towards her windows with the drapes closed. Her shoulder lifted, dismissing the observation. “I had a headache the other day. The sunlight hurt my head.”
He shook his head. “Ah, love, if that were the only issue, I’d take you at your word. But you’ve pushed me away. And I allowed it because I blamed myself.” He paused and moved closer. “You see, I’ve been punishing myself as well. Which is why I recognize your efforts. I can love you. I can make you feel better and you don’t think you deserve to feel better. So you push me away.” He sighed. “I let you because you make me feel better, Pepper. You make me feel as if the sun is always shining. Just a glance from your beautiful blue eyes can soothe the all-consuming hatred I felt for myself because I wasn’t there to protect you and our baby. So, I let you push me away.”
She closed her eyes, squeezing them tight as she began, ever so slowly, to absorb his words. “I don’t… I don’t need you,” she muttered, but her lips trembled with the lie. Deep down inside, she knew that he was right. She was punishing herself by denying herself his presence, his love, and his comfort. Because being with Dimitri made her feel better.
“Maybe you’re right,” she finally replied, sighing and pulling away, grateful when he let her this time. “Maybe, I am punishing myself. But…” she wiped away another tear. “But if I…If I don’t feel bad, then am I forgetting our baby? Am I just dismissing her from our lives? From my heart?”
He shook his head. “I worried about that too. But I don’t think so.” He shoved his hands into his pockets and turned away, hiding his expression. “Will you ever forget her?” he asked.
Pepper didn’t answer for a long time, just stared at him, searching through the words that she wanted to say but couldn’t. “No,” she finally admitted, that simple word echoing between them.
His eyes held hers and she could feel the tension. “I won’t either. She might not be alive in this world,” he said carefully. “But she will always be alive in our hearts. And I want…” he paused and Pepper saw the need, the hunger in his eyes. “I want to go on living, Pepper. I can’t stand to see you hurting like this! I can’t imagine a world without you in it and, if you continue like this, you’re going to kill yourself. That will be wrong. So damn wrong and I can’t…I just can’t let you do this to yourself.” He didn’t hesitate now. Instead, he walked over and pulled her into his arms, lifting her off of her feet.
“Pepper,” he sighed as she wrapped her arms around his neck, finally returning his embrace.
She clung to him fiercely. “I don’t think I can forget.”
He lowered her feet to the floor and touched her chin, lifting her face. “Don’t forget, love,” he told her sternly. “Forgive, but don’t forget.”
She looked up into those dark eyes of his, wondering if he was right. “I don’t know if I can.”
He cupped her cheek, stroking her cheekbone with his thumb. “You’re one of the strongest women I’ve ever known. You can do anything you put your mind to.”
With a sigh, she leaned against his chest, closing her eyes as she listened to the strong, powerful thump of his heart. For long moments, they stood like that and then her stomach growled loudly. It was all the more startling because she hadn’t paid much attention to her body for a while now. “Did you say something about dinner being ready?” she asked.
“Yes. Dinner is ready. Come.” He led her over to the small table that had previously been heaped with used clothing. “I also had Nancy come over and collect some clothing and designs while you slept. She said that you’d been working too hard lately and that she thought you were a bit out of control.”
Pepper looked down, about to tell him that she wasn’t really in the mood to eat anything, but stopped. His words echoed through her brain. Forgive herself? Could she do that? And was she really trying to slowly kill herself?
She looked down at her fingers, bare except for the diamond
