“I haven’t been in the mood for that,” she mumbled, plopping down with the basket. “It’s not fun anymore.”
“Enjoy the romantic picnic I was supposed to have with her,” Kristof said, his tone warning before he left us with just her guards.
Both again in love with her. Vitor and Tian watched her always, their eyes following her in that way Kristof used to watch her, as if unable to look away but not knowing it was how he felt. Though I was pretty sure Vitor knew.
Tian, I worried, would rather squash her before giving her his heart.
“May I join you?” I asked, sighing when she didn’t respond. “You didn’t agree to this. I’m not about to just assume I’m welcome, especially after how I acted last night.”
“You can sit,” she agreed, her tone stiff. She started pulling out containers, careful not to get too close to me after I sat. “Why haven’t you been sleeping?”
“I miss my wife,” I admitted, not sure what to say when she flinched. Did she think that was a line? “I really am sorry about last night. It all came out and went wrong.”
She nodded. “I can forgive that as long as you didn’t feel how you were treating me.”
“I don’t, Inez. You are so far from some cheap fling or meaningless fuck to me.” I waited until she nodded, opening the container she set in front of me and diving into the pasta salad since I’d not had breakfast. “Did you know oral sex isn’t allowed to most in Islam? It’s seen as dirty and impure?”
“I didn’t know that and not to sound culturally insensitive, but why bring that up when that’s not your religion? I mean, you pray to Aether, right?” She finally looked at me. “And you gave me oral sex all the time. Like the first day we spent together. So what does that have to do with anything?”
“I’m trying to explain where my head was.”
“Was?” she pushed, focusing on her food. “That sounds like you’re fine with it now, and really, I’m not buying that after you just walked away and have avoided me for two months almost. But sure, okay, go ahead.”
Wow, damn, she was really, really pissed. I couldn’t blame her, but it made me exceedingly nervous which was normally when I said something stupid. “That’s not my religion, but I grew up with it as an influence given where I lived.”
“Okay, I can see that,” she accepted, but kept eating.
“And yes, I gave you oral sex, but I didn’t for a long time. I thought—not because of the religion—but so many believed it was dirty, friends I had, people around me. Humans mostly, but whatever. It wasn’t until I left home that I even saw it. I was at a brothel in Europe and this man was being paid to perform oral sex on ladies of wealth because their husbands wouldn’t.
“It was some dirty secret of the city that everyone kept hush-hush. And they loved it. They went wild for him and I could hear it, see it through the gaps of the curtain. I bought him a drink later and asked him how he could do something so dirty, even for money. He actually laughed at me, asking where the hell I came from that I would have sex with a woman and not make sure she was tended to.
“It was such a difference and I wanted to learn. I was a hundred years old and this whole world of fun opened to me. But even there, whores gave blow jobs and wives would never do something so dirty. Other places, other regions and beliefs and still it was dirty.”
I sighed, running my fingers through my hair to shake out the extra water. Hope filled me as I saw her glance over and watch. She blushed when she saw me watching her and focused on her food again.
“I didn’t want you to be dirty. You’re pure, you’re light, and the woman I love, my wife,” I whispered. I held up my hand when she went to object. “You were also kidnapped and almost died. I spun out. I spun out badly and focused on giving you what you needed because I was worried I’d hurt you again. I feel like the next thing I know, the castle’s built and it’s been weeks.
“And then it was too long. I’d completely fucked up and there was no way you’d forgive me, castle or not. I spun out worse. Each time I tried to get my head together and figure out how to fix this, I spun out worse. And I had moments like you did after the time we tripped up and embarrassed you. I kept thinking if you still wanted me, you’d come to me.”
“Why? So you could walk away again?” she rasped, killing me deep in my soul.
“I’m jealous of Kristof,” I admitted, finally saying the words. “He gave you what I couldn’t and there is some bond there that I kept seeing grow and I felt left behind from.”
She shook her head, wiping her eyes. “And he’s jealous of you.”
“What?” I gasped, almost dropping my container in shock.
She nodded. “He thinks I’d pick you over him and I love you most. I won’t play like that with him because you object, and I’ve told him it’s not me picking you over him. If there are objections to something I do with any of you, I vowed to listen, to not do things or be with people you didn’t agree to. If he objected to something, I would listen to him too.”
“Do you still love me at all after what I’ve done?” I breathed, floored he was jealous of me. He was… Another level.
“You should have more faith
