“I have all the faith in you ever. It’s not about that, but how horrible what I’ve done is.”
She shrugged. “You can’t help the way you feel.”
“No, but I said things I didn’t mean and hurt you. That’s never okay, no matter my objections or what I feel. I didn’t walk away because I disapproved after I saw it. I left because I was jealous you shared something with him you didn’t with me.”
“You idiot,” she whispered, stabbing her food harder than she needed to. “You’re all stupid assholes. No, you are. We’ve shared the same sort of play and naughty just not exactly like that. We started this together, so I get his jealousy of you because our love is deeper; it’s had more time to grow—well, not anymore given you abandoned me basically—but you’re an idiot.
“Instead of being jealous and walking away and breaking my heart, you should have talked to me. All you guys push me to talk, but you don’t with me. Only when shit blows up or it gets to these crazy levels. Kristof did the same. You guys are fairly alike in several ways, so really, it shocks me that you’re not seeing we have the same sort of closeness you’re jealous of the other for.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I don’t know what to do with that,” she admitted as she finished the first container and went to the next one. “I don’t. I’m not trying to make this harder or more difficult for any of us, but I have no idea what to do with that.”
“I don’t know what to do next either,” I confessed. “I’ll do whatever you need, Inez.”
“For what? What are you asking me for?”
“I want my wife back,” I choked out, dropping the container and going to her, cupping her face in my hands. “I want to be next to the love of my life. I want us to be an us again.” My soul shattered when she pulled away.
“I don’t know that I can,” she whispered. “You just bailed, Darius. You didn’t like what I did so you bailed. I don’t trust you not to do it again.” She sighed. “That’s why he said to give you the chance I did him. I’m afraid to let you in or trust you, like I was him.” She shook her head. “I don’t know if that would work the same this time.”
“I’m okay with what you did,” I blurted before she ramped up. “It was sexy. Really sexy. I wanted it. I’ve never had a woman suck me and all I could picture was you giving me that, my wife loving me that much, she would give me that.”
She slowly met my gaze, blinking at me as fresh tears form. “You’re such an idiot if that’s true. You made this so much worse.”
“I know. I spun out.” I tried to think of what to say when she flinched, knowing she could spin out too. “It’s different than when you did. I mean, the traumas were there with what happened, but it was different. Not sleeping made it worse, and I’m fucking exhausted all the time, but at first people kept telling me to leave you alone again and… I’m a fucking moron. I’m sorry.”
She stared down at her food and my chest ached as tears fell. “I don’t know how to fix this. I’m scared I’ll do something you don’t like and you’ll just leave. You could abandon me again.”
“I won’t,” I swore to her, thinking back to her issues with Kristof. “Time will show you. I’m not asking you to just forgive me and we move on like it didn’t happen.”
“You’re not?” she whispered, wiping her eyes. “You said you wanted me back?”
“I do, but I have no right to have you back like we were. I have to work for that.” I mentally crossed my fingers, relieved when she nodded. “Let’s start over and—”
“Start over?” she choked out, giving me a hurt look. “So not married?”
“No, no, I didn’t mean like that,” I promised, reaching for her, but she shrugged me off. “Let me re-earn your trust. I want to work back to being together. Let me show you I won’t leave.”
“How?”
Well wasn’t that just the sixty-four million dollar question?
“I don’t know, but I want to try. Will you let me try?”
She closed up the container and put what she used back in the basket before getting to her feet and finishing her drink. She added it and then gave me a look that was worse than any punch or hit I’d ever taken.
“I don’t know—will you walk away if I don’t say or do the right thing? I don’t think I want to be burned by that stove again.”
I tried to remember how to breathe as she walked towards her guards, muttering she wanted to be anywhere but there. It was like another hit in the gut when they gave me pitying looks before they carried her off.
No, we couldn’t end like this. I wouldn’t let this be the end. It took me two months to lose what we had, but I didn’t care if it took twenty years; I would get it back. I would get her back.
I just had to figure out where to start. It hit me when I looked out at the lake where she’d shot me and I’d fallen for her. I needed to take a page from Inez’s book.
Or look for books that had the answers really. I quickly redressed and packed everything up, knowing I had to get it back to Nick before heading to the nearest bookstore. There had to be a way to mend the hurt and damage I had done. There had to be or at least ideas on where to start.
Otherwise I wasn’t sure I could
