He ran his hands through his hair, pulling until it hurt, trying to stop himself from punching a hole in the wall. “Fuck! What do you want from me, Hannah? You want me to quit? Have no money? Get a job as a waiter somewhere? Flip burgers at McDonalds? Is that really what you want? Your internship is more important to you than me? Than my ability to support myself, to support you?”
“You don’t support me, Matt. We’re dating. We’re not married. We’re not even engaged! If we were, I’d expect you to come and talk to me, not just try to order me around or manipulate me into doing what you want. And I definitely would hope you wouldn’t just disregard my goals and my dreams for the sake of a paycheck. As though you couldn’t find someone to give you a paycheck anywhere.”
“You don’t—”
“Yeah, I do. I get it. I know it’s not that easy to find a job. But here’s the thing, Matt. It’s even harder to find a job you care about, a job that you love, doing something you want to do. And that’s what Eco Utilities is for me. It’s more than just a paycheck. You don’t even like your job, so it makes more sense for you to find something else. Better yet, find a way to do what you love to do. Come up with a way to surf for a living that’s not on the pro competition circuit. There’s more to the sport than just that. You have a degree in management and marketing, and you work in HR so you know how corporate crap works. Start a company where you take executives on surfing trips for bonding or whatever corporate-speak calls that kind of shit where they pay a crap-ton of money to go on vacation and supposedly do planning so the company can pay for it. Yeah, you’d be teaching a bunch of old, fat dudes to surf, but you’d get to travel, stay in awesome resorts, and get to surf all the time.”
That made him pause for a minute, dropping his hands at his sides, all the fight gone, liking the picture she painted. Could he do something like that? Work for himself? And be able to surf? She made it sound so simple.
But he shook his head. That was stupid. Dreams didn’t come true. “It’s not that easy, Hannah. Where would I get the money to start something like that? Marketing, travel, not to mention equipment. That’s a nice idea, but it’s not realistic.”
“It could be. You could figure it out. But that’s not the real problem. The real problem is that you don’t want to. Or you’re too scared to.” She shrugged a shoulder. “It’s easier to just give up, to coast along and never have to confront anyone or anything.”
He couldn’t say anything to that, because she was right. He could confront the opposing team on the football field, but only because someone else called the plays and told him what to do, who to cover. His responsibilities were defined there. In real life? Confrontation ended with people yelling, people hurting, and no one changing their mind. That’s how it had been with his dad growing up. That’s how it was with Hannah right now. It was easier to just let things go and avoid the confrontation.
“What are we doing here, Matt? What’s the point? I won’t be responsible for you losing your job at the beginning of the summer, but I’m not going to turn down a summer internship at Eco Utilities if they offer it to me, either.”
He raised his eyes to hers again, her face no longer angry or twisted, just sad. Bile rose in his throat, and he fought to swallow it down. “What are you saying?”
She shook her head. “We’re at an impasse. You won’t quit, and I’m not going to destroy my career for a guy who won’t make any compromises for me. Who expects me to do all the bending. That means we have to break up by the end of May.” She lifted one shoulder and let it drop. “What’s the point, though? Why wait? This clearly won’t work out between us, and we’ll have a couple of months to move on and get over this before you’ll be one of my managers again. It’ll be cleaner this way. No wondering what happened or why. We both know what’s happening and why.”
He was going to throw up. “That’s it? You’re just going to break up with me? And you think that you care more about me than I care about you? At least I’m trying to come up with a way for us to work out and stay together. You’re ready to throw everything away at the first problem.” He laughed, but it sounded mean, even to his own ears. “I tell you I love you, and you throw it back in my face. No, Hannah. You’re wrong. If anyone cares more, it’s me. I’ve been in love with you for weeks.”
“Oh, Matt.” She shook her head, tears tracking down her cheeks now. “I’ve loved you since I gave myself to you that first time. But I can’t be with someone who expects me to do everything and gives nothing in return.”
He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. There was nothing left to say. He watched as she moved to the front door, her head down, her hair hiding her face from him. The deadbolt slid back with a loud snick, and she looked at him again, tears still streaming down her cheeks. “I need you to leave now, before you break me more than you already have.”
His eyes burned as he stepped toward her, and the corners of his mouth pulled down no matter how hard he tried to fight it. He cupped her cheek with
