“Mmmm.” He sighed. “Gotcha.”
“No, Jake …” The patter of feet was followed by little hands slapping at my thigh. I looked down at the little girl wrapping herself around her daddy’s leg.
She stretched on tiptoes, reaching for him.
Jake released me and scooped her up. “Ready for some eggs?” He looked at me. “Coffee is on the table. Could you put her in her chair?”
“Come on, Sari.” While I settled her at the table, Jake filled our plates and poured coffee.
“Marisol called,” he said once we were seated. “She wants to see you, if you’d be okay for a visit this afternoon.”
“You told her about us?”
“Well, the short version. The one where I’ve seen you a few times, leaving out the juicy bits.”
“Ah. I see.” I contemplated him for a moment. “I’d like to see her, but Dara and I have plans this afternoon, and I have an early flight in the morning.”
“She’ll be disappointed, but I’m sure she’ll understand.”
“About earlier …”
He shook his head. “Leave it, Mar. Please.”
Round and round we go. Every time we took a step forward, something forced us back. That brief moment of optimism had flickered but was soon shattered by reality.
Chapter 21
I sank lower in the leather seat, staring at the city lights glittering through the curtain of rain pattering against the windshield. The wipers swept back and forth across the glass, a pattern building in my foggy brain. Squeak. Thunk. Squeak. Thunk. Squeak.
Jake’s drumming on the steering wheel didn’t help. Nor did the punctuation of heavy sighs coming from his direction.
My temples ached, my head bobbing in time. Last night’s wine overindulgence and lack of sleep, added to this steady influx of mindless noise, created a soporific effect that even the three cups worth of caffeine coursing through my veins could barely overcome.
“Mar?” The drumming stopped for a blissful moment, Jake jabbing my shoulder with his finger. “Are you listening?”
“Hmmm?” I rolled my head to the left. “What?”
“I asked if you’re spending Christmas in Toronto with your parents.”
“No.”
“Big plans, though, right?”
I hugged myself, picturing the upcoming holidays. I’d had plans, until Christophe dumped me. “No.”
“Are you cold?” He fiddled with the heating controls.
“No.” I tugged the cuffs of Jake’s sweatshirt down over my fingertips.
“You’re quite the conversationalist this morning. Are you still drunk?”
“No.”
Jake rolled his eyes, but the corner of his mouth twitched as he placed one hand over mine. “How is it an amazing woman like you isn’t booked up over the holidays?”
“I was,” I said, bowing my head, “but now I’m not.”
“Ah.” His lip curled. “Guess that was a stupid question. Why, out of every guy in the world, did it have to be a douchebag like him?”
“It really it bothers you.”
“Fuck, yeah. Out of the thousands of guys in Vancouver, you had to pick Dean’s skeezy cousin? And now you say, ‘But Jake, we were broken up.’” He shuddered. “It makes me want to puke.”
“Well, join the club. I’m sure you haven’t been celibate, either. What about Lianne? You’ve had her company.”
Jake grimaced. “I haven’t had Lianne, but thanks for that sickening confirmation of what you’ve been doing in my absence.”
My mouth dried, taking on that woolly after-the-party feeling. “Surely there’s been someone.”
His knuckles whitened as he focussed on the road. “Yeah, because working, preparing research data, and raising a deaf toddler leaves me loads of time to fuck around.”
I fought the urge to apologize. We’d broken up, hadn’t we? I’d never promised anything to this man, because he never promised anything to me. “I didn’t set out to hurt you. You know that, right?”
“Maybe not, but it still bites.” He flipped on the signal and turned into Dean and Dara’s picturesque neighbourhood, not even glancing my way.
“We can still talk. You have my number. Anytime you need to talk, call me.”
“Talk. Fuck, yeah, that’s what we need. More stupid, meaningless chatter. That’s not nearly enough for me, but good to know you’re all about the talk.”
Maybe it wasn’t enough, but it was all we had, considering in a few hours I’d be winging my way to the opposite coast. I pried his right hand from the wheel, entwining our fingers and squeezing, but he shook me off.
Jake pulled into the driveway, the SUV gliding to a halt. He bowed his head, running his hands up and down the steering wheel. “I’m sorry for losing it. This can’t be how we end this.” He looked at me, his brows lowering, drawing tighter, his entire expression relaying an echo of my own pain. “I’m trying to make this right.”
“I appreciate that, but I’m not convinced you’re ready to be in a serious relationship. I can’t uproot my life or put my needs on hold while you figure it out.” Leaning across the console, I kissed him and brushed my fingers over his lips, lingering for a moment. “I love you, Jake. I always will, but this isn’t our time. I’m sorry.” I exited into the drizzle and opened the back door, waving to catch Sari’s attention, signing as I said, “Bye, sweet girl. You be good for Daddy. I’ll miss you.”
Sari waved, giving me a toothy grin.
“I love you, both of you.” I closed the door and, keeping my head down, hurried toward the house.
“No.” Jake caught me by the elbow and stepped into my path. “You don’t get to say that and walk away.” His embrace surrounded me, and he hunched, burying his face in the crook of my neck. “Did you mean it?”
My breath hitched as I clung to him. “So much it hurts,” I whispered.
“Come for the holidays. Stay with me and Sari.”
Oh, if only it were that easy. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea. It’s painful to leave now. The holidays would only dig us deeper.”
“So what? This is home, Mare.”
“It’s not fair to any of us. Not to you or to me, and it’s especially unfair to Sari. I can’t be popping in and out of her life.”
“No, but if you
