I wouldn’t say that, of course, but I’m pretty sure whatever I did say would go down about just as well as that. I think digesting the news would be like digesting a bunch of angry lobsters live and whole. Or barbed wire. Or anything sharp.
It would be bad. Really. Bad.
I have no idea how I’m going to tell Granny, but I already know I’m not going to tell Philippe. I’m going to have to quit my job. How am I going to find another one? I think you have to disclose if you’re pregnant or not, and I can’t get any kind of severance or unemployment pay if I quit. I know Philippe won’t want me to quit. He’ll try and talk me out of it, and I’m afraid he’ll know something is off. That I’ll let it slip. I’m going to have to just up and leave and not come back.
If I tell him, he’ll feel kind of responsible for raising a baby, and by kind of responsible, I mean financially. Maybe he’ll think he should do the token minimum and be in the kid’s life, but I don’t want that for my baby. So this was a surprise. So I’ve only truly known about it for a few minutes. So my cheeks are wet with tears, my whole body is trembling, and I feel like I’m going to throw up. But I still want this baby. The horror I felt the minute I saw two blue lines appear on the plastic stick was rivaled only by how much love I felt a second after—a heck of a lot of it.
I have no idea how I’ll raise a baby alone. I’m not ready. I had no plans for this. But I know I’ll make it work, whatever it takes. I never felt like I was number one or two or even three or four in my parent’s life. I know they love me. I know they must because they took care of me the best they could, but I also know they brushed me off whenever possible. Family vacations weren’t a thing because to them, vacation meant them going somewhere nice and me going to Granny’s. But going to Granny’s was the best time of my life. She was always there for me in ways they weren’t. She always got me, and she always made me know there was nothing I could do that would make her not love me. She was the mom my mom just never could be. Not that I’m not grateful to my parents or that I don’t love them. Because I do, and I know they love me too, but it just wasn’t the way Granny loved me. The way she loves me still. Or the way I love her. With her, I was always just accepted unconditionally. I felt like she was my kindred spirit or whatever. I was an old soul, and she was young at heart, and we just fit.
I want to love this baby the way she loved me. I don’t want my child to grow up knowing one of his or her parents doesn’t love him or her and didn’t really want him or her. I don’t want him or her to have a father who is just in it out of obligation. I don’t want him or her to feel like I often did growing up.
Like I was a mistake. Like my parents never meant to have me. I know I was a surprise too. They never had any more kids because they never wanted kids. They did try to explain it to me in nicer terms whenever I asked for a brother or sister. They said they were too busy with their jobs, and that they wanted to focus on their careers. It was better when I was older and could look after myself. They didn’t want to go back to diapers and sleepless nights. They were happy with our life as we were.
I very slowly peel myself off the floor. I throw the pregnancy test in the trash can, wash my hands and my face, and exit the bathroom.
I can hear Granny moving above me. She’s singing something soft, and even though I can’t hear the words, it’s comforting. The scent of cookies drifts down to me, and I imagine going upstairs and curling into Granny’s warm arms the way I have since I was a child. I imagine her taking away the hurt at the thought of quitting my job and never seeing Philippe again. Yes, it does sting. Yes, somehow, along the way, I guess I developed some sort of feelings. Yes, they might be the opposite of hate. And yes, they might even be close to something tender. I want her to take away the uncertainty of not having a job, of bringing a new life into the world.
I just want her to tell me that everything is going to be okay.
I know no matter how disappointed, stunned, or even angry she might be, in the end, she will. She loves me. She’s my hero, my role model. And she’s the strongest, sweetest, most amazing lady in the entire world. She taught me how to be brave, how to be kind. She gave me her wisdom and her strength, and she loved me. Always.
I know no matter how hard or rough things get, everything will be okay. It always has been before. And it will be again. Even if my heart feels a little bit broken, Granny will show me how to knit it back together again. At least, I hope so.
CHAPTER 16
Philippe
Though it’s up for debate, I’m not actually an idiot.
I know that not everything is right between Sutton and me. I can’t just turn off what happened a month ago at Jennifer’s wedding. I can’t just shut
