“Tell me. What happened to our son?”
“He died!”
The tears streamed down Julie’s face and she doubled over as if she’d been kicked in the stomach. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t process what she was saying.
“The baby died?”
Julie wiped tears from her cheeks but they were replaced by new tears. “Don’t you see? If you had found me we still wouldn’t have had our little boy.”
“How? What happened?”
“I can’t go through this again.” She started pacing. “I have lived this for ten years.”
“And for me it’s the first time. Don’t I deserve to know, Julie? Can’t I grieve with you?”
She stopped pacing and weighed his words. Then she took a deep breath. “I hated you for a long time, Hunter. I hated you for being such a mess and forcing me to leave for the sake of our child. I thought I was doing the right thing. How could I raise a child when I could hardly take care of myself? And you? When I found out just how bad things were, there was no way you could have been a good father. You know that’s true.”
“What happened, Julie? Tell me. It’s okay. You can tell me.”
She shook her head. “It’ll never be okay, Hunter. I thought I’d made myself numb just to move on. But it still feels like yesterday. I can still feel the weight of him in my arms.”
Hunter’s whole body shook as he took a step forward. She didn’t move, so he took another step.
“Come here. Sit with me on the grass.”
He led her to a grassy area and they both sat down. He waited for her to stop sobbing.
“I went into labor,” she said, already looking rung out from crying. “I had dreaded it for months not because I was afraid of going through labor but because I knew it would be the end of my time with him. Every day while I was pregnant I loved having that little boy growing inside me. I wanted him. But I knew I couldn’t keep him.”
She sniffed back a few tears and he reached out and held her hand.
“You have no idea how guilty I felt, Hunter.”
“For wanting him?”
“Because I blamed myself. There I was in labor, crying and dreading every moment of it because I knew it was the end. I was going to have to hand him over to strangers. I wouldn’t see him anymore.
“The adoptive family had wanted them to take the baby away as soon as he was born, but I wanted to see him. I’d insisted. I wanted to see if he looked like you or me. I wanted to hold him. But the adoptive parents were there and it made it uncomfortable because I was so miserable and they were so happy. And I hated that they were happy. I wanted them to go away. With every push, I wanted to keep him safe in my womb. But when he was born, he wasn’t breathing.”
Hunter watched Julie’s face as she relayed the horror of what she’d experienced. Alone. He held her hand wishing to God he’d been there with her then so she wouldn’t have had to deal with it on her own.
“The doctor and nurses worked hard. The adoptive parents were crying by the bassinet and had each other to hold. I had no one. You have no idea what it was like when they told me he was gone. I wanted to hold him. I cried, but I felt numb. Then the adoptive parents wanted to hold my baby. But the nurses asked them to leave. They got so upset. They refused. It was awful. But the adoption hadn’t gone through so they were forced to leave.
“Then everyone left and I was alone with him. I don’t know what was worse. Failing or being alone. I know they blamed me. I could hear them in the hallway yelling. They wanted a perfect baby. And he was perfect. But he was gone. I spent years wondering if my feelings for not wanting to let him go caused his death.”
“That’s not true. You have to know that.”
“Yes. Now. It took me five years of therapy to accept that I didn’t cause his death. It was a freak thing. But I still blamed myself.”
“I wish I’d been there for you. I would have wanted to be there for you.”
“I got a few precious hours to hold him and look at him. Afterwards, when everything was done, I got a letter in the mail suing me for the cost of my medical expenses and some living expenses they’d offered while I was pregnant and couldn’t work. The couple who were supposed to adopt the baby wanted to be reimbursed. It was like our baby was a financial transaction. Even though the adoption agency said they couldn’t do that, it caused me a lot of stress on top of the grief. I lost it. Dr. Matthews said I had a nervous breakdown. The walls just crumbled.”
Hunter shook his head. “It wasn’t your fault. I don’t know how you could have blamed yourself.”
“It’s grief. I tortured myself. I couldn’t face you. I couldn’t face Caleb or my parents. I couldn’t face anyone or even talk about him. It took a long time for me to work through everything, but I guess I have. As best as anyone can.”
She looked so fragile and he wanted to hold her in his arms and cradle her until the pain of it all went away. He wanted to find the right words to comfort her but he still felt so shaken by everything she’d confessed.
Their baby had died. He’d never had a chance to see his son.
Tears filled his eyes. “What did you name him? Or did they…”
She shook her head. “Like I said, the adoption never went through. It was… A little bit of a struggle because they wanted to bury him. I had no money to do it.
