SALT:
Huh?
CICERO:
This is you, right? Here at the bottom? This is your name?
SALT:
Mm-hm.
CICERO:
(READS) “Ying Kit-Ma”. (DUBIOUS) You’re Chinese?
SALT:
(SULLEN) Eurasian. Half-breed. I’ve been a victim of prejudice all my life.
CICERO:
Is that right? OK, fine. Back with the others, go on. Shoo!
SOUND:
SALT SHUFFLES OFF INTO A GROUP, ALL CHATTING.
ALEXA:
Close call, huh?
SALT:
(STARTLED AND, OF COURSE, GUILTY) What? I, uh- no. I don’t know what you mean.
ALEXA:
That “Eurasian” bullshit. You might fool Cicero, but not me.
SALT:
I’m not trying to fool anyone.
ALEXA:
(SPEAKS IN CHINESE)
SALT:
Uh...
ALEXA:
Like I said, bullshit.
SALT:
You’re not... one of them?
ALEXA:
Do I look like one of them? My name’s Alexa. Alexa Chun, not Lorrimer.
SALT:
Right. Can I trust you?
ALEXA:
I don’t know. Can you?
SALT:
I’m not who I said I was.
ALEXA:
Huge surprise.
SALT:
My name’s Isaac Salt. I’m a writer.
ALEXA:
What kind of a writer?
SALT:
I have a website.
ALEXA:
That kind of writer.
SALT:
I bring people the truth.
BRUNO:
The truth about what?
SALT:
(STARTLED) How long have you been standing there?
BRUNO:
You’re a writer? I Want to be a writer.
SALT:
(WHO DOESN’T CARE) Good for you. Look, can everyone just- keep quiet, OK? I don’t want to get thrown off this boat before we reach the island.
BRUNO:
What’s going on?
SALT:
Listen, uh... what’s your name?
BRUNO:
Bruno Andrenyi.
SALT:
OK, listen, Bruno. I am here on a- a secret mission.
BRUNO:
You mean like a spy?
SALT:
Kind of like a spy, yeah.
ALEXA:
I thought you said you were a writer.
SALT:
I am a writer, I said I was like a spy. Kind of.
ALEXA:
Are you going to cause trouble, Salt? I’m not leaving without getting paid.
SALT:
You’ll get paid, just- do whatever it is you’re here to do.
BRUNO:
And what are you here to do?
SALT:
Just- It doesn’t matter. Don’t worry about me.
ALEXA:
OK, we won’t. Maybe we’ll get this Cicero guy to worry about you instead.
SALT:
OK, OK! I have a website.
ALEXA:
You said that.
BRUNO:
Is it sexy?
SALT:
What? No, what’s the matter with you? It’s the one place in the whole world you can get the truth.
ALEXA:
“The truth”, you keep saying “the truth”. The truth about what?
SALT:
You wouldn’t understand.
ALEXA:
Oh, that’s right. I have different skin and I’m a woman, of course I wouldn’t understand.
SALT:
I didn’t mean that. I didn’t mean it to come out like that, Alexa. It was Alexa, right? It’s just that there’s a lot of stuff on my site that people have a hard time believing.
BRUNO:
Example.
SALT:
Stuff about the Lorrimers – and what kind of people they really are.
ALEXA:
Everybody knows who they are. They’re rich, they’re white and they screw around. Probably have bastard kids all over the world. Why do you care so much?
SALT:
Because they’re not who you think they are. Not what you think they are. What you were saying about different skin? Well, their skin isn’t like anyone’s. They’re part of the Reptilian Elite – an alien race who control humanity.
ALEXA:
(BARKS OUT A LAUGH. THEN, SUDDENLY) Oh God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realise you meant it. Are you, you know... “special”?
SALT:
This is for real, Alexa. These things – they’ve been keeping us down for millennia, and nobody talks about it. Because it’s too fantastic.
BRUNO:
We’re working for lizards?
SALT:
We all are, Bruno, one way or another. And this is my one and only chance to prove it. I took the place of the real Ying because I had to be here today.
BRUNO:
You don’t look like a Ying.
SALT:
Yeah, somebody let me down on that.
ALEXA:
Do what you want, Salt, but don’t cost me my job, OK? I need this. (A BEAT) What are you going to do?
SALT:
Once a year, all the members of the Lorrimer family meet on Seagull Island.
BRUNO:
For their mother’s birthday, everybody knows that. She’s like ninety or something.
SALT:
More like ninety thousand, ninety million. No, they meet to discuss the progress of the plan – world banks, a vast all-powerful computer program with access to every bit of information about us, the ultimate subjugation of the human race!
BRUNO:
I don’t know what that word means – “subju...”?
ALEXA:
It means to take over.
BRUNO:
I thought he said we were already took over.
SALT:
That’s not important!
ALEXA:
You said it was important.
SALT:
Look, when they’re together, they drop their guard, They show their true faces.
ALEXA:
(A SARCASTIC DRAWL) So we’re going to be waiting on lizards.
BRUNO:
Do they wear masks, like in Mission: Impossible?
SALT:
No, it’s like some sort of perception filter- mind control. We won’t see them like that, but once they think they’re alone, they’ll revert. I mean “change”.
BRUNO:
I know what revert means.
SALT:
I’m sorry, I just don’t know how good your English is, I don’t mean to offend anyone.
ALEXA:
Except the lizards.
SALT:
That’s right. And after we’ve done our jobs, and Cicero’s paying everyone, I’m going to slip away and film them on my phone, upload the footage to my site, and within seconds every person on the planet will know the truth.
ALEXA:
You mean every person with a computer.
SALT:
Well, that’s everyone that matters.
ALEXA:
That’s crazy. You’re crazy.
SALT:
You’d be surprised how often I hear that.
ALEXA:
I really wouldn’t.
SALT:
Then I’m crazy. Once we arrive on the island, can I go be crazy without you telling Cicero or anyone else?
ALEXA:
(A PAUSE, TO MAKE UP HER MIND) Fine! Just... if you get caught, stay away from me.
SALT:
It’s a promise. You may not know it Alexa, Bruno – but today is the day history is made!
CICERO:
(CALLS OUT TO THE GROUP) One last thing before we dock, people! If you have cellphones, hand them to me. They’ll be returned to you on the way back. Let’s start with you, Ying.
SALT:
Yeah... sure.
SOUND:
HE SLAPS HIS PHONE DOWN INTO CICERO’S PALM. CICERO MOVES ON.
CICERO:
(GOING OFF MIC) Who’s next? Come on, people... Somebody has to have a phone, I want to see it...
ALEXA:
(OVER CICERO’S DEPARTING LINE) What are you going to do now, Salt?
SALT:
Keep my eyes open. Tell everyone what I saw.
ALEXA:
And they’ll believe you.
SALT:
One way or another, Alexa, I’m coming back with proof.
NARRATOR:
It may be of small comfort to him, but Isaac Salt is right about one thing, and one thing only – if people knew the truth about the Lorrimers, they’d find it too incredible, too shocking to accept. And despite the high opinion he has of himself, that includes poor Mr Salt himself.
SOUND:
BOAT BG OUT.
MUSIC:
Fangoria theme comes up.
ANNOUNCER:
We’ll return to Fangoria’s Dreadtime Stories – after these few words.
NARRATOR:
If you had
