SOUND:
THRU TO THE WAITING ROOM. SALT IS PACING UP AND DOWN.
SALT:
This is damn peculiar.
ALEXA:
Stop pacing, you’re making me nervous.
BRUNO:
I wonder what lizards eat.
ALEXA:
Shut up, Bruno.
SALT:
I mean, what the Hell is going on here? Where is everybody?
ALEXA:
Just relax.
SALT:
I’ll relax when I’m back home. Right now, I’m worried.
BRUNO:
He’s making me worried, Alexa.
ALEXA:
You don’t have to be worried, none of us have to be worried. We just have to... do what we came here to do.
SALT:
You know, Bruno’s right.
BRUNO:
I am? What am I right about?
SALT:
What are they eating? Do you smell any food?
ALEXA:
Just because I don’t smell it, doesn’t mean there isn’t any. This is a big house. Who knows where the kitchen is?
BRUNO:
The Lorrimers are rich, yes?
SALT:
So?
BRUNO:
So, they have... refined tastes. Subtle flavours. That’s why we can’t smell it. Lobster, I bet. You know they scream when you put them in boiling water?
SALT:
No offence meant, Bruno, but that’s the dumbest thing I ever heard.
ALEXA:
Dumber than lizard people?
SALT:
And lobster don’t scream. That’s the sound of steam escaping from under their shells. (HE’S GETTING REALLY JUMPY NOW) No, this is wrong, all wrong...
SOUND:
HE RATTLES THE DOOR HANDLE.
SALT:
Look at this. Locked. The door’s locked. We’re prisoners.
SOUND:
THRU TO THE DINING HALL. A RAUCOUS PARTY IS GOING ON, 20 OR SO GUESTS, AND A LOT OF DRINKING, BUT NO FOOD.
NED:
(CHUGS HIS DRINK)
SOUND:
HE SLAMS HIS CUP DOWN.
NED:
Damn, that’s the stuff!
MOMMA:
I’m sure I brought you up with better table manners than that, Nedrick.
NED:
I’m sorry, Momma, but you don’t now how much I look forward to these shindigs. You can’t get quality like this anywhere else. The stuff they serve on the Hill tastes like ass.
MOMMA:
Nedrick, language! (TO SAM) Samuel, tell your brother!
SAM:
He’s right, Momma – it does taste like ass.
NED:
(LAUGHS)
MOMMA:
(SIGHS) Why do I even bother? Nedrick, for pity’s sake – it’s dripping all down your shirt! Go and change!
NED:
But, Momma-
MOMMA:
I said go and change! And when we’re done I expect your attire to be as clean and crisp as it was when we sat down to dine. If I have to force you to use a napkin, young man, I will.
SAM:
I think she means it, Ned.
SOUND:
NED RISES FROM THE TABLE.
NED:
Goddammit, Momma...
MOMMA:
I may be old, but I’m not deaf!
SOUND:
NED LEAVES.
MOMMA:
Where did I go wrong with him, Samuel? He’s had the best of everything in life, and yet I’ve produced stools with more personality.
SAM:
(CHOKES ON HIS DRINK)
MOMMA:
Nedrick doesn’t possess your character, your moral fiber.
SAM:
Hm.
MOMMA:
He screws anything that moves, be it man, woman or child. I suppose that’s why I haven’t completely disowned him – I see so much of your father in him.
SAM:
You’re too hard on Ned, Momma. I mean, he arranged this party for you.
MOMMA:
Hogwash. You know as well as I do, he had Mr Cicero do it all for him.
SAM:
Are you enjoying it?
MOMMA:
(ENTHUSED) Thirsty for more!
SAM:
Then what are we waiting for?
SOUND:
THRU TO THE WAITING ROOM.
SALT:
This is all wrong. It’s wrong, it’s wrong...
ALEXA:
Look, Salt, you’re here to serve food to rich sons of bitches, just like the rest of us, and that’s all! No conspiracies, no aliens, just catering! Now stop this, I can’t take it any more!
SALT:
Why do you think we’re the last ones in here?
BRUNO:
We just are.
SALT:
You want to be a writer, Bruno, start by growing an inquisitive mind! They know who I am, and they saw me talking to you two!
ALEXA:
I don’t know who you are, and you told me!
SALT:
Don’t you realise, I’m too dangerous for them to let me live?
ALEXA:
I need you to breathe, Salt, can you do that for me?
SALT:
I’m not crazy!
ALEXA:
I know, I know. (A BEAT) Are you on any kind of medication?
SALT:
If there’s nothing wrong, Alexa, why did they lock the door?
BRUNO:
They think we’ll steal stuff.
ALEXA:
Bruno’s right. The simplest explanation-
SOUND:
THE DOOR IS UNLOCKED FROM THE OUTSIDE.
SALT:
This is it!
ALEXA:
Don’t do anything crazy, Salt. Nobody’s going to hurt you.
SOUND:
THE DOOR OPENS AND CICERO STEPS IN.
CICERO:
OK, the three of you follo-
SALT:
(ROARS MANIACALLY AS...)
SOUND:
...HE THROWS HIMSELF AT CICERO. THEY BOTH CRASH TO THE GROUND.
CICERO:
(REACTS IN PAIN)
ALEXA:
No!
SOUND:
SALT AND CICERO STRUGGLE.
CICERO:
(AS THEY FIGHT) Get the hell off me!
SALT:
He’s got a gun! Help me, he’s got a gun!
ALEXA:
He doesn’t have-
BRUNO:
Shit, he does have a gun! Shit!
SALT:
Get it off him!
BRUNO:
Give me that!
SOUND:
HE PULLS THE GUN FROM ITS HOLSTER.
BRUNO:
Got it! Stand up, both of you!
SOUND:
SALT AND CICERO STAND...
SALT & CICERO:
(GROANING)
SALT:
Give me the gun, Bruno. Give it to me.
BRUNO:
No way.
SALT:
Fine. (TO ALEXA) Now do you believe me? If there’s nothing happening here, why does he have a gun? Huh?
CICERO:
I’m security. I always carry a gun!
ALEXA:
Give him back his gun, Bruno. (TO CICERO) I am so sorry about this, sir-
SALT:
You took my phone, I want it back!
CICERO:
I don’t have it any more.
SALT:
Then take me to it!
CICERO:
It’s been destroyed.
BRUNO:
Why?
SALT:
Because they can’t risk me informing the world about what’s happening here!
CICERO:
Informing the world? Who the hell are you?
ALEXA:
You see? He doesn’t know you!
SALT:
It doesn’t matter! The Lorrimers – I want to see them! I want to see what they’re really like!
CICERO:
That’s impossible.
SALT:
Tell that to the man with the gun.
CICERO:
(AFTER A PAUSE) You won’t like what you see.
SALT:
I guarantee that’s not true.
CICERO:
There’s a control station. I can see what happens everywhere from there.
SALT:
Perfect! Let’s go! Alexa!
ALEXA:
I’m staying here. I’m not going to lose this job for you, Salt!
SALT:
It’s already too late for that. Now, come on!
SOUND:
THRU TO THE DINING HALL. THE ASSEMBLED PARTY ARE GETTING RESTLESS.
SAM:
(ADDRESSES THEM) Ladies and Gentlemen, in
