As she fell through the layers of pleasure, she heard Jos’s words. “Oh, Evie, I love you.” She could not express it in the moment, but she knew without thought that she felt the same and her heart was full of joy.
Eventually, in the early hours, Evelyn lay in Jos’s arms. Jos was asleep now, Evelyn listening to her regular breathing, feeling the rise and fall of her chest. She was sleepy herself, exhausted and satisfied, but before she fell into slumber herself she had time to reflect that she was at home for Christmas after all. This was her home now, wherever Jos was.
*
When Evelyn awoke, Jos was already out of bed, doing something in the kitchen. Evelyn could hear her moving but could not work out what she was doing. After a few minutes, Jos’s head appeared around the bedroom door. She smiled when she saw that Evelyn was awake.
“Good morning, beautiful,” Jos said.
Evelyn smiled. “Good morning. What are you doing?”
“I thought I would make some breakfast. I hope you like scrambled eggs.”
“I do. And thank you.”
“You’re welcome. My reward shall be a kiss,” Jos replied. She came to Evelyn and bent to place a tender kiss on her lips. Evelyn reached for the back of her neck and held the kiss for longer.
“You should be careful, or it’ll be you I’m having for breakfast and the eggs will burn,” Jos said, as she pulled away gently.
“That wouldn’t be so bad,” Evelyn said.
“No, it wouldn’t,” Jos replied. She retreated in the direction of the kitchen, while Evelyn luxuriated in the warm bed. She was comfortable here, with Jos. It was a shame she had to return to the Graingers’ today, even more of a shame that she had to keep this happiness a secret.
As they ate breakfast together on the settee, Evelyn in Jos’s dark satin robe and Jos wearing just her trousers and an undershirt, Evelyn pondered this further. Although a huge part of the previous day’s joy came solely from being with Jos, she could not deny that some of it also came from being around friends who knew how they felt about each other, of it not being a secret. However much of a thrill came from keeping something so exciting as a secret between them, she was much happier when people knew. Besides, being able to share her feelings for Jos with others was something she relished the chance to do. She wanted everyone to realise how wonderful Jos was.
“Jos?” she said eventually, as she finished her eggs and put the plate aside.
“Yes?” Jos replied. She had finished her own breakfast and was now nursing a cup of tea.
“I was just thinking. Do you really think it would be so bad if I told Lilian about us?” Evelyn saw a degree of tension creep into Jos’s posture.
“Why do you want to?” Jos asked.
“I don’t know really. It’s just that, well, it’s so wonderful to share it with people, like we did yesterday. And I don’t like keeping it a secret.”
Jos wished Evelyn had not spoken. The morning had been so perfect, after the perfect day before, and now Evelyn’s words risked ruining it. It wasn’t Evelyn’s fault of course. She was right. But Jos was scared. Not of Lilian, but of herself. She did not really care what Lilian and James Grainger thought. But yesterday had been almost too perfect.
She cursed herself for feeling it, but she could not help it. Sharing her relationship with Evelyn with her brother and her closest friends had felt like the natural thing to do. She’d been pleased with how happy they seemed, how glad for her. But now that they knew, she felt a real pressure. What if something went wrong between them? It was by no means guaranteed, however strong their feelings, that things would work out. She knew from experience that good things usually went wrong for her. By telling people, she’d made a commitment. And she knew that Evelyn saw it that way too.
Telling close friends was, of course, one thing. But as soon as Lilian Grainger knew, everyone would know. She feared what the snide comments would do to Evelyn, knew she would have to be the one to protect her. She feared the warnings people like Lilian would feel compelled to give. What if Evelyn believed them, or if Jos could not protect her? In her mind she saw their relationship collapsing like a house of cards. She saw herself in the ashes of the relationship, clinging to her love for Evelyn, but ultimately betrayed by the world. Evelyn would not mean to do it, but it seemed so likely, this love seemed so precarious.
Her fear made her words more harsh than she had intended. “You can’t tell Lilian. You need to understand that Dorothy and Clara and the others are not the same as Lilian.”
She saw the confusion in Evelyn’s face and hated herself for it. But then, Evelyn did need to understand. “I don’t mean to sound angry, I’m sorry. But there are things you don’t understand, Evie.” She’d tried to sound kinder but now she realised that she was at risk of being patronising. So she stopped speaking and waited for a response.
Evelyn appeared to be trying to choose her words carefully. “It’s not that I don’t understand,” she began, slightly defensive. “It’s that I don’t see why it matters if I tell Lilian.”
“You live with Lilian,” Jos returned, thinking that was the most obvious answer.
“I don’t
