Evelyn’s reply alarmed Jos. If Evelyn was considering moving out of Lilian’s house, there was surely only one place she could be considering as another option. However strongly she felt for Evelyn, she was not ready for that level of commitment yet. She needed her own space. This was everything she had tried not to fear. Of course Evelyn would expect commitment. Relationships between men and women followed that pattern. They would meet, court, marry. Evelyn was looking for the equivalent of marriage, trying to fit their relationship into the world she was familiar with. Jos began to feel panic growing inside her, however much she was furious with herself for it. She struggled for something to say and, finding nothing helpful, stayed silent. Bitterly, she saw concern growing in Evelyn’s eyes.
“I don’t have to live with Lilian.” Evelyn had clearly been waiting for a positive answer from Jos and, not getting one, was now trying to explain herself. “I have a small amount of money, I can pay rent. I wanted to ask you about finding a job in London anyway, so I don’t have to live with Lilian. I want to spend time with you, I don’t want us to be a secret.”
The fear broke in Jos. Was this what happened when she told a woman she loved her? The very next morning that woman wanted to live with her, depend on her? It was why she tried so hard not to love. She was not fit to be depended upon. She would ruin it somehow. “Look, Evie, I can’t marry you. I’m not a man. We can’t do that. I can’t fit in with what you expected to happen in your life. If that’s what you want, I’m the wrong person for you to find it with.”
Evelyn looked taken aback and Jos regretted the force with which she’d spoken the words. “I’m sorry, Evie. I’m just going to end up causing you pain. I should have seen it before now.”
Evelyn looked lost and confused. She looked hurt and Jos saw tears rising in her eyes. More than anything she wanted to reach out and hold her, tell her everything would be all right and reassure her of her love. But she could not because she did not believe everything would be all right. She never had. She was destroying the best relationship she’d ever had before it had even started. How could she claim everything would be all right or reassure Evelyn of that?
“Last night you said you loved me,” Evelyn said plaintively.
“I know,” Jos said, forcing herself not to repeat that damaging sentiment.
“And I love you,” Evelyn said, her tone more desperate now.
“I don’t think you’re sure of that,” Jos said, regretting it immediately but not taking it back.
“But I am,” Evelyn protested. Her tears were flowing now. Jos hated herself and wanted to wipe them away.
“Well, I’m not,” Jos said. “It’s not good for you to be with me, Evie, and you won’t understand why. I think you should just go back to Lilian’s and forget about me.”
“I can’t just forget about you.” Evelyn sounded horrified. “I mean it, I love you, Jos. I want to be with you all the time.”
“You must have heard my reputation, Evie. I don’t have long relationships with women, I always ruin it. What makes you think you’re any different?”
Evelyn stared at her in silence. She knew she’d struck the fatal blow. Slowly, Evelyn got to her feet and went into the bedroom. A short time later, she emerged fully dressed. She turned wide eyes on Jos, clearly hoping for something. Jos forced herself to look away.
“I don’t understand,” Evelyn said, her voice full of sadness.
Jos’s heart broke. “No. That’s the problem.”
Without another word, Evelyn left the room. Jos listened to her descending the stairs, heard the door open and close. Evelyn was gone and Jos had done nothing to stop her because it was far better for Evelyn that she did not.
Alone, her own tears came because she knew alone was what she would always be.
Chapter Nineteen
Evelyn was blind with grief as she made her way back to the Graingers’ house. It was the only place she could think of to go, the only place where she could lock herself in a room and sob. The only place where she could dwell on her own stupidity and work out what she was supposed to do next. Her first, panicked thought was that all she could do was return to West Coombe, that London held nothing for her now.
She managed to restrain the obvious manifestation of her emotions long enough to make it to the sanctuary of her bedroom. Once there, she collapsed onto the bed and cried until the pillow was soaked with her tears and her throat ached. Still, she did not understand.
So few hours had passed since Jos had said she loved her, it was such a short time since she had known she loved her in return, since they had shared such happy intimacy. She could not believe anything that had led to that had changed. Yet, suddenly, Jos was angry with her, she was cold and apparently uncaring. Was this what Suzanne had warned her about? She’d been told to stay away from Jos. Perhaps those warnings were now coming true. Had Jos been leading her along, using her? The thought hurt more than anything she could imagine.
As the tears stopped and she lay still, exhausted, she remembered how she’d also been told Jos had demons, that women usually wanted to save her from herself, but that she was actually worth a chance, worth a risk. Surely Clara, who had told her that, knew Jos better than she did.
There was Vernon too, who had told her about Jos being terrified of losing everything good. Since their parents’ death, Jos had blamed herself whenever things went wrong, was terrified of ruining her own happiness. Had Jos had seen her chance to
