I looked at him confused but had a feeling I knew all too well what he meant and wished he wouldn’t go any further.
“Before we leave here together I wanted to get something out there and clear the air. I guess you already know how I feel about you but I wanted to say it. I love you Cate. I’ve been in love with you for a long time and its okay if you don’t feel the same way about me. I just didn’t want to leave it in the air anymore.”
I sighed and sat down on one of the dining chairs. I leaned my head in my hand.
“You don’t feel the same?” He asked sadly.
“It’s not that. I do care about you a lot and yeah, I have thought about you romantically and if this was seven months ago, I’d say you had a pretty good shot but it’s not.”
“You’re saying you don’t want to try something with me because of what’s going on.”
I nodded. “I just don’t think there’s room for love in the world.”
He looked irritated, “Of course there’s room for love.”
“Not for me there’s not.”
“Cate, I think…”
“Ian,” I said cutting him off. “I’ve thought about it a lot and love would be great but there are too many risks. There’s too much to lose and I don’t want to get into that with all that’s going on.”
He nodded, “Damn. I wish I met you before this shit happened.”
I laughed. I stood up and gave him a hug.
“You’ll get your chance when’s it’s over,” I said in his ear.
I didn’t see his face but I knew he was smiling. He kissed me on the cheek.
“I got to go,” He said.
“Bye, be safe,” I said.
He nodded and headed down the stairs.
If I had known how things were going to go, I think I would’ve handled the situation differently. But hindsight always leaves you with regrets.
Chapter 5
I rested most of the day though I didn’t try to sleep. I kept my phone in the kitchen so I’d stop driving myself crazy looking at it again and again.
Natalie came by a few times and walked Milo with me. She still kept conversation on the surface and light.
Emma asked me what happened with Natalie and why she was on her own. When I told her I didn’t know, she suggested that maybe Natalie killed her family in a crazy rampage and that’s why she wasn’t being more forth coming about what she had been through. I laughed at the absurdity of the suggestion which Emma didn’t appreciate.
Emma went to have dinner with Aaron and his mother. She told me she wouldn’t be back until morning. I wanted to ask her why she didn’t just move in with Aaron but kept my mouth shut.
I heated up some soup on a camp burner and ate it in the darkening dining room. I gave Milo half a can of dog food that he gulped down.
After I finished eating there was a knock at my door. I got up and answered it. Tom was standing in the doorway with a grave look on his face. I immediately felt my heart sink to my stomach because deep down I knew what was coming.
“Tom, what are you doing here?” I asked.
“Cate, can I come in?”
I nodded and moved to let him by.
He cleared his throat, “I don’t…I really don’t know how to say this,” He began.
I crossed my arms and asked, “Tom, what is it?”
“Ian was attacked,” He began. “He, umm, he didn’t make it.”
“What?” I asked feeling like I must have misheard him.
“Ian was killed,” He stated, making his point very clear.
I don’t really remember what happened next. My body felt like it had been hit by a bus. My mind felt scattered and lost. I know at some point I broke down and started crying.
I’m not sure when Emma came back but the next thing I do remember is sitting with her in my room. We weren’t talking; she was just sitting with me and stroking my hair.
Natalie came in sometime later and Emma told her what happened. She didn’t stay. She just looked extremely upset and left the apartment. I vaguely remember calling after her but this may not have happened.
I couldn’t wrap my head around how it could have happened. Ian and I had been on so many runs, been so close to danger and death but we always made it home. We always survived. Irrationally, I blamed Tom for what happened to Ian. He wasn’t strong enough to fight off the dead and that’s why Ian died.
I also blamed myself. If I hadn’t fallen and injured myself, I would’ve been there to help him. Well, if I hadn’t been injured we wouldn’t have come back to the safe haven so we never would’ve been on that run and he’d still be alive.
I slept so much that week. I know Emma and Natalie were there a lot with me but I was not conscious most of the time. I really only got up to walk Milo, though Natalie took him on several walks for me.
I was surprised that Emma had spent so much time with me. She didn’t spend a night at Aaron’s for almost a week. She tried her best to get me to eat but I wouldn’t. She stayed in the bed and read me stories like I was a kid. She was trying to keep my mind off Ian but it didn’t work.
I also know she went to bat for me when Aaron suggested a run. Emma put a stop to it quick telling him I needed time since my best friend had just died. Though a run
