Actually, I know you can already do this. You have experienced the “telephone voice” phenomenon. You know the scenario: you’re in the middle of having an intense argument with a loved one. You’re hearing things coming out of your mouth (and you’re not blocking now!) or from that other person’s mouth that they would never say to a stranger (they save those kinds of things for the people that they love most! It’s their way of testing to see if you will keep on loving them if they do this to you!). So you are raising their voice, feeling really angry, upset, frustrated. and then the phone rings. You take a breath, pick up the phone, and then calmly and politely answer it. “Hello.” You speak with a calm, professional telephone voice. The context suddenly changed and you instantly flew into a calm!
Creating a calm state
You may fly into a calm when by yourself, when speaking to a pet or to somebody you are comfortable with. Reflect on those times and ask yourself what enabled you to be calm, relaxed and speaking fluently. What beliefs, values, memories, decisions and attitudes go with that calm state and speaking so fluently? The answers will give you the mental frames of mind that permit you to fly into a calm. As these mental frames come to conscious awareness, trust your unconscious mind to give you even more reasons for you to fly into a calm in all situations.
Your ability to fly into a calm is already a resource; you only need to make it a key item in your repertoire. You probably need to practice, so that it becomes stronger, more powerful, and so that you can access it in a split second when you need it.
OK, I admit that for a person who blocks it may not be quite as simple as that in those extreme contexts where they go into a panic before speaking. However, let’s not dismiss this process too soon. You may be surprised at what you can do. For sure, you have nothing to lose but some time practicing.
First, pay attention to that state of calm that you know you can achieve. Think about a time when you really demonstrated the power of your telephone voice (or something equivalent). Be there again, seeing what you saw, hearing what you heard, and feeling what you felt.
What enabled you to step out of the angry and yelling state to the calm and cool state where you said, “Hello!”? What beliefs, values, decisions, intentions empowered that response? Why didn’t you answer the phone with your angry voice? Why didn’t you yell at the person calling in? Your answers to these questions will help you identify the key aspects of how you can fly into a calm, so that you can generalize the strategy for use in other contexts in your life.
As you clarify each factor, amplify it to find the optimum value for best results. It is also important to establish a trigger – a word, a symbol, a special touch – that is associated with this ability to change your emotional state at will. In NLP this is called anchoring (see Bodenhamer and Hall, 1999, Chapter 13). Consider:
What would be a good anchor or symbol for total calmness?
What sound, sight, and sensation would remind me of this state?
Now practice stepping into it, setting that link to some trigger, breaking state, and then using the trigger to step back into that place where you manage your emotions.
4. Finding your calm state.
Create your best representation of a confidently relaxed state. The best way to do this is to recall a time when you were really relaxed in a calm and centered way.
Ask yourself:
What kind of relaxation do I need or want for speaking fluently in all contexts?
How can I feel calm and confident and relaxed whenever I speak?
What kind of a relaxed mind and emotions do I want or need in a given situation?
Although you might think that their relaxed state involves lying on the beach on a sunny day, that is not really appropriate for the workplace or for those times that typically trigger blocking. A relaxed state is not about going limp or crashing out. There are other kinds of relaxation which would serve you better as a possible resource. You need to have a relaxed state which:
has the qualities of alertness, mindfulness, readiness, or whatever would make you resourceful when you typically block
gives you the sense that you are in control of the situation, that nothing will faze you or distract you from your purpose.
Relaxed alertness means:
Your breathing is easy, you are no longer obsessing and your mind is at ease.
You have a calm confidence in your ability to speak fluently, a relaxed attentiveness in listening fully to the other person.
You are not concerned with whether or not he/she may be judging how you speak.
It is also important that you can say “Yes” to being in this calm state (see Chapter Six).
The relaxed energy of readiness and eagerness to speak calmly gives you confidence because you are aware that your mind-body system knows how to perform optimally. It also means that when you are tested by life and slide into a block once in awhile, you are able to accept those everyday frustrations without judging yourself.
Imagine going to that place and
