7. Check alignment.
You need to check with the PWS that they are totally aligned with this change. If there is a part of them that objects to this change, that part could sabotage this process and kick the person right back into the negative emotion.
Therefore, go inside, and ask if there are any parts of you which have any objections to the proposed change.
“Does any part of you object to letting this operate as your primary style in dealing with this emotion?”
You may need to make a list. After each objection ask, “Are there any more parts which object?” If so, go back to step 5.
The next step is to find out each part’s intention – its higher purpose – so that it may be satisfied in a more appropriate way. In NLP it is presupposed that all behavior has a positive intent. That is not to say that the intent is ethically or morally correct. The intent relates to the circumstances at the time and the resources the person had available.
A frequently asked question concerning this presupposition is, “What about a person who sexually abuses a child? What is the positive intent behind that?” Most abusers were abused themselves; the adult’s behavior, however horrible, could be an unconscious attempt on the part of the adult to experience love or even to give it. This may seem sick – and it is – but it is true to experience. Having worked with several abusers I found that such intents are common. Part of the person wants something which is currently denied them. Having very few strategies available, anything might be better than doing nothing.
A PWS was dealing with her fear of giving up stuttering. It is a major issue with her. The intent or purpose of her stuttering is that it serves as a means of stopping her from being successful. Because if she were successful in her career then she would be going out and meeting new people, traveling the country and even the world giving presentations. Although she is a superb, fluent public speaker when in her empowerment state, she knows that is a problem because to her, being successful means she will be “out there” and being “out there” means that she is in danger. So she retains her stuttering behavior to protect her from this danger, which is (a) failure and (b) the possibility of getting hurt. Indeed, the word she used to describe that fear of success was “terror.” So the part of her which has the intention of keeping her safe needs to maintain the stuttering because that will prevent her from being successful and thus will protect her from failure and being hurt. Paradoxically, staying safe means continuing to stutter – and that causes more failure and more hurt. The person thus experiences incongruence – they are at odds with themselves; their behavior doesn’t get them what they want.
When working with these kinds of issues, it is important to generalize to elicit the higher positive intents of those objecting parts which are rooted in hurt. Have the PWS associate fully into the objecting part before questioning it. The more they feel the part, the easier for the unconscious mind to provide answers. It is simple to do. Just ask the person:
“What is the purpose or intention of that part?”
“What is it trying to do for you?”
“What does that part want for you that is important?”
“What would that part have to give up which is important to you in order for you to align your life with this higher intent?” This question elicits the secondary gain of the behavior. They will need to find another means of achieving that intent before the part will allow the change.
This line of questioning will get you the higher positive intent. Just keep repeating these questions until you reach something really positive (and very abstract). Once you have found this overall mission, ask the person to find a more acceptable way to achieve it without the negative emotions. Tell the PWS to let that part know that as an adult they now have the ability to protect themselves from harm without having the negative emotion. By telling them that they now have adult resources for protection, you are in effect reframing the objecting part.
How could my client protect herself from the fear of failure and from being hurt without stuttering? Well, when she is living in her “empowered state” (which is a powerfully religious state) she feels safe and protected and there is no fear of failure. She then needs to apply this state widely to other aspects of her life.
8. Put into your future and install.
Finally check that the change will hold. Ask the person to imagine themselves in the future living with the benefit of the new resources.
“Given that you have now got rid of those inappropriate emotions, how will your life be different in the future?”
“By leaving those old emotional evaluations in your childhood where they belong, how will it be moving into the future?”
“Is this an appropriate way for you to move through the world?”
“Imagine these new resources supporting you in the future. How is that for you? Do you need to make any adjustments?” Continue to add resources until the person is satisfied with their future way of being.
Having the means for dealing with stress is of utmost importance for the PWS because for them stress is an ever-present reality. Learning to fly into a calm, with a more appropriate set of emotional
