I traced his squared jawline with my fingertips. He grabbed my fingers and guided them to his mouth, sucking on them while his hand coasted down my thigh. “Why do you still carry that ultrasound picture in your wallet?”
“You went through my wallet too?”
I shrugged, no apology in my voice when I answered. “I was looking for clues. I don’t know who you are. Why do you keep that photo?”
“I guess it was another reminder of everything I put you through.” He stroked my hair so gently it hurt. “Of how much I’d failed you. It’s one of the many reasons I left and the reason I stayed away for so long.”
Giving up all pretenses of watching the movie, I buried my face in the crook of his neck and placed my palm over his beating heart. How could this man with his strong arms and broad shoulders and a heart the size of Texas have failed me? But he had.
“You said you came back. Why didn’t you talk to me?”
“It was about eighteen months after I left you. It was right before Christmas.” I would have been six months pregnant with Noah. “By chance I saw you coming out of that bakery you like and you were carrying shopping bags. You were with Sophie. And I sat in my truck and watched you through the windshield and I told myself, ‘If she sees me, I’ll go and talk to her. If she looks my way, if she gives me a sign...’ Then you guided Sophie’s hand to your stomach. Your very pregnant stomach. For some reason, I hadn’t noticed it. I guess it was because of the dress you were wearing. You had a denim jacket over it.”
I remember that day. I was wearing a dark blue maxi dress under a fleece-lined denim jacket. Sophie and I had been shopping for baby clothes.
“And you smiled. It was the same smile you used to give me when I made you happy. But I couldn’t remember seeing you smile like that in so long. Not even when we were at the ultrasound. Your smile had been more worried than joyful. Like you knew, somehow, that something would go wrong.”
Oh, my heart. I couldn’t bear the thought of Jude sitting in his truck, having to witness my happiness when he’d played no part in it.
“And it was that smile that made me leave you again. Because you looked happy. You’d moved on. You did what I’d hoped you would. You found happiness without me. And it hurt so fucking much and I wanted to hunt down the man who had claimed you and ask him if he knew how fucking lucky he was. So I drove away and I told myself I could live without you. I told myself I’d done the right thing by leaving.”
My eyes drifted shut, trying to block out the thought of what could have been. If I hadn’t been pregnant with Noah. If only he’d come back sooner. So many what-ifs. But you couldn’t think like that. I couldn’t imagine a world without Noah and never wanted to.
Jude took my hand in his and entwined our fingers. I took a deep breath and inhaled his scent, breathing him in.
I knew there was a lot more to this story. A lot he wasn’t telling me. Jude wouldn’t have taken it as well as he was pretending he had.
“What happened after that?” I asked, mentally preparing myself to hear the answer.
He winced. I squeezed his hand, encouraging him to continue. “Guess I wasn’t doing as well as I thought.” He laughed like it was a joke but I couldn’t join in. He pulled his hand away and scrubbed it over his face.
I lifted my head from his shoulder. “Jude. What happened?”
He shook his head. “A lot of shit happened, Rebel. A lot of shit that you don’t need to hear about.”
I wasn’t letting him off that easy. “If there’s even the slightest bit of hope for us, we have to be honest.”
He stroked his jaw then nodded, acknowledging that I was right. “I don’t remember it that well. I was at a party in Oceanside.” He side-eyed me. “There was a shitload of drugs there. Let’s just say I had a bad trip. I ended up in the psych ward at the VA hospital in San Diego. And in some ways, it was the best thing that could have happened. I started getting counseling. It helped. A few months later, Tommy Delgado… do you remember him?”
“Of course. I sent him care packages.”
“Yeah, you did.” He smiled at the memory. Jude used to tell me that I sent the best care packages and all his Marine buddies were jealous, so I started sending them care packages too.
“Anyway, me and Tommy were hanging out one day and we heard on the news that a major earthquake had struck Nepal, near Kathmandu. The damage was catastrophic. Thousands of lives lost and thousands injured. And we just looked at each and said, ‘Let’s go.’”
“Just like that? You decided to go to Nepal?”
He laughed. “Yeah. Just like that. We gathered a team of eight former Marines. Three of whom were medics. And we went in on a wing and a prayer.”
Now, this sounded exactly like something Jude would do. “And what did you do there?” I asked, fascinated by his story.
“Anything we could to help. We formed a search and rescue team. Dug people out of the rubble who were still trapped. Transported people to safety. Then we stayed and helped clear the debris. When we came home we decided to set up a veteran-led not-for-profit disaster relief organization. We lead teams of volunteers into towns and cities across America that were hit by natural disasters.”
“Wow. That’s amazing. And that’s what helped you through the bad times?” I guessed. Because I could see Jude doing that. I could imagine him leading a team and going into situations that most people
