By the time we got back to his house and did our stretching exercises, I still wasn’t ready to go home. I knew sleep wouldn’t come.
“Tired yet?” he asked as if reading my mind.
I shook my head. “It’s okay though.”
I turned to go. He grabbed my wrist and dragged me along the side of his house. We stopped in front of the trellis. It stopped a few feet short of his bedroom window which he’d left open, waiting for his return.
“Come on.” He jerked his chin at the trellis. “Let’s go sit on the roof.”
“The roof?” I tipped back my head, looking up at the gabled roof. How did he propose we get to the roof?
“Yeah, Rebel, the roof. It’s closer to the stars. Trust me,” he said, noting the way I chewed on my lip, worried about how in the hell he expected all five foot three inches of me to get on the roof. “I’d never let you fall.”
It was the way he said it, like he’d die before letting me fall, that had me doing as he asked. Sometimes I thought I would follow this boy to the fiery pits of hell if he asked me to. And sometimes that scared me. I didn’t want him to have that kind of power over me. It was the reason I pushed back so hard, not wanting him to give an inch, knowing he’d take a yard.
Getting onto the roof was no easy feat but Jude stayed true to his word and now here we were, lying on the roof under a sky full of stars, our knees bent, feet planted on the cedar shingles. And all we’d had to do to get here was climb up the trellis, tightrope walk across the drainpipe, and scale the stone wall then pull ourselves up and onto the roof.
“Next time we should use a ladder.”
“Where’s the fun in that?” Jude asked and I laughed.
From this vantage point, the stars looked so close it felt like we could reach up and touch them.
Everything was changing and I hated it.
“My mom is dying, Jude. She’s going to die.” He didn’t even bother trying to deny it. He couldn’t because he knew it was true. She was going to die and there was nothing that anyone could do about it.
Jude reached for my hand and clasped it in his and we were silent for a while, lost in our thoughts, our gazes focused on the stars and I couldn’t tell if it really happened or if my eyes were playing tricks on me but I could have sworn I saw a falling star in my peripheral. When I turned my head, it was gone.
“What happens when the stars fall, Jude?”
“I’ll put them back in the sky for you,” he said, sounding so confident. As if he had that kind of power. As if he were a god, and not just a seventeen-year-old boy. “I’d do anything for you, Lila.”
“Anything?”
“Anything.” There was no hesitation in his response, not even for the briefest moment. He was so sure of himself. How brave and how foolish he was to make a statement like that. What if he couldn’t deliver? What if I asked him to give me the sun and the moon and all the stars? What would he do then?
“Okay. Then kiss me,” I challenged with false bravado, like this was one of our dares.
“You want me to kiss you?” he asked as if he wanted to make sure he’d heard me correctly. And this time I heard the hesitation in his voice. Maybe he didn’t even want to kiss me and I’d just made the biggest fool of myself.
“Lila,” he prompted, his voice low and husky. “You want me to kiss you?”
I shrugged one shoulder like I didn’t care one way or the other and pressed the palms of my hands against the shingles to stop them from shaking. “Do you want to?”
He was quiet and made no move to kiss me. I stared at the night sky, too scared to see what I might not want to. He hadn’t even said yes. God. How much more could I embarrass myself?
He was only nine months older than me and I never used to notice the difference in our ages but now I did. While he was going to parties and drinking beer and letting girls kiss him and give him blow jobs, I was sitting at home watching my mom die.
I wanted to go back to my carefree days when nothing scared me. I wanted to be reckless and daring again. And I was determined to do it with or without him.
“Fine.” I pushed myself up on my forearms. “If you won’t kiss me, I’ll find someone who will.”
The words were barely out of my mouth and then I was caged in his arms, his face so close to mine, all the edges were blurry. This wasn’t like the times we used to wrestle. My body was humming and I could feel the trembling in his arms as he used them to brace himself so he wasn’t pressing his full weight on me.
“You’re going to fall off the roof.”
“Worth it,” he said.
And what I heard was that I was worth it. He’d willingly fall to his death for me.
His soft breath mingled with mine and I could smell his sweat and the fabric softener his mom used and the scent that was just him. The scent that made me slightly dizzy. I was so lightheaded that I might have floated away if he didn’t have me pinned to this roof.
“Am I your first kiss?” he asked quietly, studying my face in the moonlight, his gaze darting from my eyes to my lips where it stayed.
I pursed my lips, not wanting to acknowledge it and shook my head. “No.”
He smirked. “Yeah, I am.” He shifted so he was leaning on one forearm and lightly ran his fingertips over my lips. So
