My mom sighed. “You’re right. I’ll have to change our diet.”
“Good luck with that,” Gideon said, not lifting his head from his phone. He was flying back to New York tomorrow but it looked as if he’d never left the office. His black button-down was cuffed, a Rolex on his wrist, legs clad in dark denim, with expensive leather loafers on his feet.
Guess he’d gotten the life he wanted but did he look happy? With Gideon, it was hard to say for sure. He and my dad had never seen eye to eye and I sensed that he resented having to be here at all.
I took the tray of steaks and burgers off the counter and carried them out to the charcoal grill that I’d fired up earlier. The grill sat on the flagstone patio just off the porch, a temporary reprieve from Brody Fucking McCallister.
Tuning him out, I focused on the T-bones I was grilling. It was so strange being back here. Our house hadn’t changed—a rambling stone farmhouse with a gabled roof that sat on three acres. I could almost envision Lila streaking across the back yard in a sunshine yellow sundress, her hair falling out of the braid her mom had put in it. Bare feet. Suntanned skin. Green eyes vivid.
My childhood memories weren’t even my own. Every single good one included Lila.
“Who’s that man?”
At the sound of the boy’s voice, I turned from the grill and was met with a three and a half foot replica of Brody McCallister. Hazel eyes peered up at me with a mixture of curiosity and accusation. In his eyes, I was a stranger who didn’t belong on his grandma’s patio grilling steaks. For a moment, I was stunned into silence. I hadn’t known Brody at this age, but I’d be willing to bet he looked exactly like this.
After a few awkward seconds of silence, Lila finally said, “That’s your Uncle Jude.”
Uncle Jude. Fuck me. Every single thing about that sounded so wrong, yet I couldn’t deny it. I was the kid’s uncle.
I looked down at a head of dirty-blond hair as small fists pummeled me. Like father, like son. I heard the asshole chuckling on the porch. Wasn’t surprised he found this amusing.
“Noah. Stop that.” Lila grabbed his shoulders and pulled him away from me. “What are you doing?”
“I don’t like him.” He crossed his arms over his chest and scowled at me. “He’s a bad guy.”
“No, he’s not. He’s one of the good guys.” I couldn’t help noticing that her voice faltered on the words. Even she wasn’t so sure what to believe. It was warranted but it still hurt like a motherfucker. Once upon a time, she used to believe in me. Until I destroyed her faith in me.
The kid was right. I was a bad guy. I crouched so I was eye level with him. Not sure why I did it. Maybe it was a misguided attempt to gain his trust. To assure him that I meant him no harm.
“You look just like your daddy.”
He tilted his head and studied my face, not sure if he should trust me or not. Kids were smart. I remember that from when I helped coach the youth football league in high school. They had built-in bullshit detectors that helped them gauge a person’s motives and sincerity.
“Why are you here?”
“I came to visit my family and to see your grandpa.”
“And to say you’re sorry?”
“Sorry for what?” I asked, curious to know what he thought I had to be sorry about. I knew I had plenty of shit to apologize for, but what did he know about any of that?
“For making my mommy cry. When she looks at your pictures, she cries and I don’t like it.”
My chest got tight and I rubbed it to ease the ache that his words caused. “I’m sorry I made your mommy cry. I never meant to. Your mommy is very, very special to me.”
Without missing a beat, he asked, “Do you love her?”
“Noah.” Lila tried to shush him and steer him away but he wasn’t having it. He stood his ground and looked at me expectantly, waiting for an answer.
Kids. They just get right to the heart of the matter, don’t they? “Yes. I’ve always loved her.” It was true. No sense in lying. Lila had to know that I’ve always loved her. Unfortunately, love hadn’t been enough to fix everything that was broken. Me. I’d been broken. “She was my best friend for a long, long time.”
He nodded thoughtfully like that was something he understood. At the tender age of four, I wasn’t sure how he could. “My best friend is Hayley. I got in a fight at school. And I’m not even sorry.”
I chuckled at that one, my curiosity piqued. “What were you fighting about?”
“I punched Chase. He made Hayley cry.”
“Good man. You did the right thing.”
“Jude,” Lila said, her voice stern but I could tell she was trying to suppress her laughter.
“He was just defending his lady love, right?”
Noah nodded. “Yep. She kissed me.” He beamed. This kid was so damn cute I couldn’t help but smile. Lila’s son. This was Lila’s son.
“Lucky you. It’s good to find your one true love when you’re young. Saves you from having to spend a lifetime searching for her.”
He pondered that thought as I rose to my feet. My eyes met Lila’s and for a moment it was just the two of us, the years falling away, those green eyes holding me captive.
“Jude,” she said softly. And that was all she said but in that one word I heard everything we couldn’t say.
All the years of regret, sadness, anger, and remorse came crashing down on me. I got that familiar tightness in my chest. I took a few deep breaths but it didn’t help. She was still there. Still looking at me. Still making me wish that every single fucking thing could have turned
