Jane replied, “All we had to do was treat them like thieving scum, and they pay attention to what we say?”
Nikki said, “I get the impression it helps to have something to back it up with, but that’s the basic idea, yes.”
I said, “The way Lakki explained it, they don’t think it’s worth negotiating, if you’re so weak that they can just steal your stuff anyway.”
Jane said, “You want us to scrounge you up an eyepatch? You might as well look the part.”
“I don’t think it would help, besides, we’re fifty light-years from the nearest parrot, at least. Have we figured out who’s in charge of our guests?”
Lakki replied, “I did. Do you want me to bring him to interrogation?”
“Yes, please. We might as well get this over with.”
Nikki asked, “What do you have in mind, Hon?”
“They want to deal with an asshole. I think I can handle that.” Her eyes got big. She said, “You know he has to be breathing when you finish, right?”
“He’ll be breathing. I doubt he’ll even be bleeding. I do hope he needs different drawers.”
Lakki asked, “Do you want me to go in with you?”
“Thanks, but no. I want his attention on me alone.” Sean came out and nodded. “He’s all ready for you, Boss. I’ll find a mop.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Sean. Let’s see if it’s deserved.” Everyone ran for the observation room. Apparently, they thought it would be quite the show. I strode in, saying, “What have you come to waste my time about, you mangy son-of-a-rat?”
He started in, “I have a cargo of fine goods that a primitive such as yourself might have use for.”
“All of it chock full of trackers and spying devices, I have no doubt. I have the best walnuts, in quantities like you’ve never seen, and all you have is trade junk? Give me one reason not to space your rat behind right now.”
He replied, “Not trade goods. These are marked for the home market. No trackers.” I didn’t even have to force my laugh.
I said, “You believed them when they told you the home-market stuff doesn’t have trackers? You’re even more of a moron than I thought.” I decided it was time to get his attention. I grabbed him by the front of his uniform, and slammed him into the wall, high enough his feet didn’t touch. “I’m through messing around. Make me a serious offer, or get back on your junky little ship and get out of my sky.” I smelled something, and sure enough, he had lost his whiz. I shouted, “Get Sean in here with that mop, so this dung-eating moron can clean up his mess before I throw him off my ship.” Sean took a few seconds to show up. I had to think Dingus or Jane was coaching him, so that it wouldn’t look like he had been waiting. Sean came through the door, and said, “You need a mop, Boss?” I replied, “The little big-shot here can’t hold his water. I probably should make him lick it up, but for some reason, I’m feeling merciful today. I hope it passes soon.”
I threw him in the puddle. “That’s got some of it. Now mop the rest.” He decided he’d had enough. “Now listen here, you barbarous monkey, I’m not mopping your decks. You’re not even fit to mop mine.” That is where I ran into a bit of a problem. A Squirrel, looking cross-eyed at the Ruger growing out of his nose, looks hilarious. It was all I could do to stay serious. I said, “You messed it, you mop it. Or, I can make a bigger mess, and get your second in here to clean it.” He mopped. When he finished, I said, “Since you obviously are wasting my time, I’ll get my people to load you bunch up and send you on your way.” I turned and left. I locked the door behind me, and went into the observation room. I said, “Dingus, give him long enough to get good and uncomfortable in his wet clothes. Then go in, and tell him you’re there to take him back to his ship. He should be ready to give you a good offer at that point.”
Lakki said, “That was more like it, Boss. You’ve got his attention.”
I asked, “Pulling my pistol wasn’t over the top?”
She replied, “Not at all. It sold the whole thing.”
I said, “It dang near blew the whole thing. He sure looks funny, with his eyes crossed.”
Nikki said, “I wondered what that look was. I thought you wanted to pull the trigger.”
“Nope. I was doing all I could to keep from laughing out loud at how silly he looked with his eyes crossed.”
Dingus said, “I think you got his attention, this time. He’s convinced you don’t care what kind of cargo he’s carrying. He’ll be glad to get out of this with one bag of walnuts.”
Lakki perked up. “One bag? How many do you have?”
I replied, “I don’t know for sure. Charlie said they were trading jerky for them, and the Squatch like jerky, so I would think they have quite a stock.”
Lakki asked, “You mean like three or four bags?”
Dingus said, “Probably closer to three or four tons.”
Lakki said, “My translator malfunctioned. It sounded like you said tons.”
Dingus replied, “I did.”
Lakki looked like she was about to faint. Jane caught her before she went down. When she came back to her senses, she said, “I had no idea you people were so rich. I’m so lucky to be working here.”
Jane said, “We may be rich by your standards, but those nuts are
