“Hello, beautiful.” I wrapped my arms around her long neck as best I could, soaking in her warmth and affection for me. “I’m sorry I haven’t been a very good horse mum of late, but you know I love you, yeah?”
Sassy seemed content to let me fondle and manhandle her, but she was a fairly affectionate animal, especially with me.
“You want to go for a ride?” I asked her, as if she’d answer. In a way, she did, tossing her head as if nodding.
“All right, let’s go.” I put a bridle on her and then got on bareback. I didn’t ride without a saddle often, but I could, so I guided her out of the barn and toward the path that led to the cottage. I wasn’t in the mood to run with her today, so we stayed at a gentle trot.
It was a cool but sunny day and I tipped my face up to the sky for a moment, soaking in the sun. Ironically, it reminded me of Vegas, and of course, Dax. I’d convinced myself I’d done the right thing, but two days after the breakup, it didn’t feel right and I wasn’t sure why. I loved him, of course, so that was a big part of it, and he’d said he loved me too. Right in the middle of a breakup. Why did guys do shit like that?
Not that it mattered. Things probably would have gone south no matter when he’d said it, because he didn’t know what he wanted, and apparently, neither did I. I’d tried to be patient and understanding about this need to do something more than be an athlete, but while I didn’t necessarily want him to join the military, at least that made sense. Wanting to serve for the greater good. But being a local bodyguard made no sense. It wasn’t a bad thing at all; it just wasn’t Dax. He’d specifically said he was drawn to the military and the FBI because he wanted to somehow make a difference, and that wasn’t what he’d be doing working for Westfield & Carruthers Security.
I felt a prickle of shame that I was inadvertently judging him, but I knew he needed more than that, and deep down he really wanted to fight to make it into the FBI. It wouldn’t be easy because of the time constraints, but he could do it if he set his mind to it. I might have even been a little disappointed that he was taking the easy way out, even though for us as a couple, it didn’t matter what he did. He would need to be in the U.S. and I had to be here.
Didn’t I?
I stopped Sassy and looked around, my gaze traveling from the nearby creek to the cottage and to the spot where Dax and I had our picnic. Our first official date. Tears pricked my eyes as I remembered how romantic and exciting that day had been, how sweet and sexy he was, how good it had been when we were together. How had everything gotten so damn complicated? Couldn’t we just be in love and happy?
Well, we’d been in love, but it was hard to be happy with so much geographic distance between us. Wasn’t it?
There were so many questions and I didn’t have any answers. All I had was a broken heart and a lot of self-loathing because I never should have told that original lie that started all of this. If I’d just kept my mouth shut, or at least stood up to Granddad about his machinations, none of this would have happened. Now I had to live with the results of what I’d done. And I was even more miserable than before.
I got back to work two days later, telling everyone I’d thrown out my back, and then distracted myself with teaching. My astronomy class was fun, at least, while my physics classes were drudgery. I didn’t put my usual energy into them and one lass fell asleep during my lecture. In the past, I would have been both offended and irritated, but I couldn’t blame her. I loved physics and was bored with my speech, so I couldn’t imagine how bored she was.
In between classes, I wandered down the hall to my mentor’s office, hoping he was around. He was in his late seventies now, and only taught one doctorate-level class, but he still puttered around in the lab on occasion or listened in on other classes.
“Isla.” He beamed when I stuck my head in his office. “What are you doing here, lass?”
“I just hadn’t seen you in a while and wondered if you’d like to have a cuppa.”
“Absolutely. Have a seat while I set the kettle on.” He kept a hot plate and a teakettle in his office because he liked tea at precisely three o’clock each day. It was only one-thirty now, but he always made exceptions for me. “So, tell me what you’ve been up to.”
“Teaching. Grading papers. Watching bored eighteen-year-olds fall asleep in class.” I couldn’t keep the resentment out of my voice.
“Well, why are you boring them to sleep?” he countered, not looking at me.
“I wish I knew.” I chewed my lip thoughtfully.
“Are you unhappy here, lass?” We’d known each other for nearly a decade, so he rarely called me by my name or title; usually, he called me lass or love. We had great affection for each other, though I didn’t see him as much as I would have liked lately.
“I’m unhappy…in general.” There, I’d said it.
“Why?” He finally turned to me, his eyes searching out mine.
“I’ve done nothing but study and work since I was a teenager,” I admitted. “I don’t have many friends,
