I decide that I’ll have to be honest with Cynthia. I’ll be upfront about who I am: an older man who wants to have mindblowing sex with her, but has sworn off serious relationships. I’ll give her tonight and tomorrow to mull things over, and then I’ll reach out so we can talk. I refuse to play games with her. I’ll say my piece. She can take it or leave it.
I grit my teeth. I need her to take it. I want her so badly that my body is physically aching.
I turn off my light and close my eyes, but it’s a long time before I actually fall asleep.
Chapter Eleven
Cynthia
I daydream all day at school. It’s not like me, and my friends notice. Becca keeps trying to whisper to me in our western medicine history elective, but I keep zoning out. I’m not even focused on the lecture, which Becca clocks right away.
After class, she grips my arm as we wander through the quad.
“What is up with you?” Becca whispers. “Are you stoned or something?”
She giggles because she knows I would never be stoned, especially during a school day. Then again, stranger things have happened. Like me losing my virginity to my forty-year-old landlord. I confirmed his age. I figured based on a time he referenced his twenties that he was about that old, but I needed to know his exact age, so I did a little internet stalking. I felt like an idiot. But at least he was around my rough estimate. I don’t know what I would have done if Nate turned out to be fifty-five.
Then again, what difference does it make? He’s still Nate. And I still wanted him, no matter his age.
“I just didn’t sleep so well last night,” I say.
I stare straight ahead at the brick administrative building. Becca needs to grab a copy of her transcript so we walk up the steps.
It’s not totally a lie. I was up late thinking about Nate and wondering if I should text him and going over every single detail of our liaison. The last image I had before I fell asleep was his face, giving me a concerned smile as he left.
Strangely enough, once I closed my eyes, I fell into a deep and undisturbed slumber. I suppose sex tires a body out.
Becca gives me a quizzical look and hums to herself. She clearly doubts my excuse. Becca knows me too well. She’s seen me pull all-nighters to write papers and show up to class the next morning as focused as ever.
I hang back in the lobby as Becca strolls up to the secretary to fill out her request form.
I wonder if she can tell. Maybe there’s some sort of scent that sexually-active girls give off. Or maybe I look different or walk different, now that I’m not a virgin.
I certainly couldn’t detect anything different about Becca back when she lost her virginity freshman year, she had to tell me. But maybe it’s obvious. Maybe I’m carrying some leftover lustful energy.
I shake my head and adjust my backpack on my shoulders. I need to focus on my schoolwork. I’m done with classes for the day, so I resolve to go to the campus coffee shop with Becca after this. I’ll get an iced latte and focus on studying for an upcoming exam and give myself a break from obsessing over Nate.
Although I’m starting to think it might not be a switch I can turn on and off. I certainly tried to pay attention in my lecture, but every few seconds, I just kept wondering what Nate was up to. And if Nate was going to call me. Or if I should call him.
“Ok, got it!” Becca’s announcement startles me from my thoughts, and I jump.
Becca shakes her head as we exit the administrative building. “What is going on, I’m seriously worried?”
I chew on my bottom lip as we head towards the coffee shop. The hardest part is, I want to tell Becca. She’s my best friend, and we share everything. She knows why I don’t date, and my whole non-eventful sexual history. She’s always supported me, and I know she would be happy for me as long as I was happy.
But I’m also terrified to tell her. If I tell her, all of a sudden, this thing that belongs to just me and Nate won’t be ours anymore. It will be general knowledge. It will be open to the judgment of others.
I know Becca won’t spread the story around or anything, but I also know she’ll voice her opinion. And I’m terrified of what she’ll say.
I can’t even predict her reaction. She will be excited that the sex was a postive experience, first and foremost, but I also think she won’t understand the age gap. She will say that Nate was taking advantage of me. She will decide it was a wild first adventure, but now I should seek out guys my own age.
And maybe she would be right. The logical part of my brain tells me that there’s no future with Nate. That me and him don’t make sense. We’re in totally different phases of life.
I’m just not ready to listen to the logical part.
However, Becca is staring at me as we walk across campus, and I know I have to give her something. Becca can be sensitive, and I don’t want her to think I’m mad at her or freezing her out.
I look up at the bright blue sky. It’s the warmest day we’ve had in a while, a reminder that spring is eventually going to fade into summer. After that, I’ll be long-gone. I’ll move forward with my life, and Nate Ramsay will still be here, in his house.
I turn back to Becca.
“I met this guy,” I say.
Becca’s eyes go wide and she lets out a squeal. She’s genuinely surprised, which means she didn’t suspect my daze had anything to do with romance.
“Tell me everything,” Becca says.
Her fair hair
