I drift to my bed and sit down.
I feel so full and good. Things with Nate don’t make sense, and he’s certainly not a pragmatic choice, but even so, it feels right. Maybe he’s not the right guy for my entire life, but he could be the right guy for right now. For this small phase in my life, Nate might be the perfect person.
My heart skips a beat when I recall what he said about how he can teach me things. I want that. I want him to guide me into more experiences like the one we just shared. I felt so safe with him. I was so certain he was going to take care of me. I never thought I would skip a condom, but with Nate, it made sense. I calculated my dates, and I just wanted him so badly.
After our first time, I didn’t think it could get any better. Then tonight, it was better. It makes me giddy to think of what else is out there. What else can Nate show me?
And in a way, it’s really hot that we’ll have this secret hook-up situation. I don’t feel used or exploited, since clearly Nate takes my feelings into account and wants me to be honest and communicative. At the same time, his priority is clearly going with the flow and doing what makes us feel good. I can get on board with that. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t have to be uptight and the perfect planner all the time. I can enjoy a few weeks of scandalous hook-ups with my landlord.
Just then, Nate walks out of the bathroom. He crosses towards me, and I look up at him, a smile on my face.
“Dinner?” he asks. “What do you feel like?”
I shrug. “I only have pasta and soup here, but we could order in?”
Nate nods. “Burgers and fries?”
At that moment, a burger sounds absolutely divine. I didn’t realize how hungry sex could make me. “Yes! And a chocolate milkshake.”
Nate grins. He leans down and kisses me hard on the lips. “Great, I’ll order.”
He disappears into the living room and returns with his phone. He places the order, and then we sit on the bed and chat about random little things. He tells me about a project he’s working on, and I tell him about my classes.
When the food arrives, Nate and I move to the living room, and we eat on the couch. I feel so free and full, in more ways than one.
Nate helps clean up and then takes out the trash. He comes right back though.
“How are you feeling?” he asks. “Not freaking out again?”
I roll my eyes. “I didn’t freak out, it just took me a second to adjust.”
I sit back on the couch. He sits down next to me and tugs my legs so that they’re lying across his laps. It’s so easy and comfortable. I wonder if it’s always this easy with someone you’re having sex with, or if it’s just Nate.
I banish that line of questioning from my head. I don’t want to think about having sex with anyone other than Nate. Not right now.
I lean my head against his shoulder. “It’s just a little scary, going from having no sex to having sex all of a sudden. And with you, of all people.”
“Of all people?” Nate wraps his arm around me. “What does that mean?”
“Just that you’re the guy I had a crush on,” I say. “Not the guy I actually thought something could happen with.”
Nate laughs. “I thought I didn’t stand a chance with you.”
“Well, here we are.” My cheeks burn. It’s still crazy to me that while I was crushing on him, he was harboring feelings as well.
“Did you like what we just did?” he asks.
I smile and tip my head back to look up at him. I graze his beard with my finger. “Yes, couldn’t you tell?”
“I just wanted to check.” Nate shrugs. “I know it’s all new for you.”
I nod. “Thank you for checking.”
We sit like that, content to just cuddle for a while.
Eventually, my eyelids get heaving and my head begins to droop. Nate senses this, and he carries me into the bedroom. He pulls aside my duvet and sets me in bed. For a second, I think he’s going to leave, and I’m surprised by the pang of sadness this thought causes.
Then, my worries are calmed when Nate climbs into the bed next to me. His large body occupies the space behind me, and I find myself pulled into his warmth. It’s so nice to feel his firm chest at my back that I wonder how I ever slept any other way.
I know this can’t last forever. I graduate in a matter of weeks.
But now that I’ve had a taste of Nate – more than a taste – I know I’ll want more. And that’s ok. I’ve come to terms with my desires not being exactly practical in this one instance.
All I know is I can’t just forget him and move forward as if nothing happened like I thought I could earlier. No, Nate has awoken a thirst in me that I can’t deny.
And I’ll keep seeing him until that thirst has been quenched.
Chapter Eighteen
Nate
I wake up just after dawn. I’ve always been an early riser, but it’s been a long time since I’ve been this happy to open my eyes to the sunlight.
Cynthia is a warm bundle that fits perfectly in my arms.
I lie still for a while, just listening to her steady inhale and exhale. I’m at peace with everything that was said last night. I made my position clear, and she was able to admit her own feelings. We’re both on the same page now. We’re going to see where this goes and just enjoy our time together.
I feel a twinge of regret. I’m starting to know where I want this to go, and I’m pretty sure I
