Once her toast was ready, she poured two cups of coffee and sat, putting as much space between them as she could. She stared straight ahead as she ate her meager breakfast. Her stomach was hurting but the toast soaked up the excess acid rumbling in her gut.
Staring vacantly with an aching heart, she balled up her empty paper towel. “I want to know what happened. The aliases and the Zavarians and how you got here. I assume it all ties into what I learned about you last night. Right?”
He nodded. His eyeballs were ping-ponging around.
She held in a breath and slowly let it out as she decided to jump in and ask exactly what she had to know. “Then answer one thing first and we can work backwards. Are you an alcoholic?”
Chapter 13
HE LIFTED THE GLASS of water to his lips, drank all of it and set it down. “I don’t know.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means I don’t know.”
“Jim… freaking talk to me. Be honest. Be open. Acknowledge this was fucked up. I opened your bedroom door and thought you were dead. It took a moment to see you breathing. Never mind how bad this place looked and smelled. I could have choked on all the disgusting crap I found, Pastor Jim.” Oh, the sarcasm and anger. It was growing, percolating and would soon bubble over. How dare he do that, look like that, and let her worry about him by not contacting her and when she asks him why, he said he didn’t know and stopped talking.
“But you drank alcohol all alone for days straight in this apartment? I’m not misinterpreting that?”
“Yes.”
“The night of the shooting when I came over, you were doing this. You were also drunk when you had sex with me and I guess I didn’t fully realize how drunk you really were?”
“Yes.”
“Do you drink every night?”
“No.”
“Every weekend? Certain days?”
His hands streaked through his hair. “No. Nothing regular.”
“Then explain it to me. Or I’ll leave right now and I swear to God, you will never see me again.”
He cleared his throat. She waited, tapping her toe. “Okay, Jim. This was fun, yeah. I can see that’s all it meant to you. A drunken hook-up that didn’t leave. Or… what? You had sex and casually remembered it was fun? Whatever. It all started because you were drunk and I didn’t realize it. Not really. Even though you told me. So I can’t fault you there.” She got to her feet and started to pass him.
His hand snaked up and grabbed her, and he half pulled her to him while rising to grip her better. He buried his face in her hair. “Don’t go. Don’t leave me. You… you’re all I feel connected to right now. The only purpose I have in life. I—”
Her body jolted with instant warmth at his desperate words. And she worried again. He sounded like he did that night in the hospital. Like he had nothing left to live for.
But calling her his only purpose in life?
“I what?” she pressed.
He grasped her wrists and held her back to stare right at her. “You haven’t heard everything. You’ll probably leave when you do. I don’t want to tell you the truth. But I will. I’m being totally honest when I say I don’t know if I’m an alcoholic. It scares me stupid that I already am, but I ignore those feelings and pretend I’m not. I rarely have a bender like this and once I’m sober and over it, I clean myself up and pretend it never happened. That’s not exactly right, but I manage to push it out of my head. You know how I compartmentalize things.”
“I think so.”
“Well, that’s what I do. I’m not lying. It scares me, no, it terrifies me. I don’t want to be addicted to alcohol.”
“What happened? Last time we were together things were so good. Or was that the reason for it? Your guilt or whatever made you decide we shouldn’t be doing this…”
His eyes sparked with the first sign of life today. Surprise. “It wasn’t about you. You had nothing to do with the cause this time.”
“Jim, what caused it then?”
“My father showed up.”
“Your—your cult-leading father? Oh, my God. How did he find you? Why did he come? When did you last see him?”
“I last saw him when I was seventeen and he found me living with the Zavarians. This time he spotted my name and picture in the news because of the—”
She almost smacked her head as she interjected, “The church shooting. And since you kept the Zavarian name, he knew it was you.”
“Yes. I wanted to change it. But that name symbolized the only legitimate family I had. Once I entered public school, it became my legal name. Changing it now would require transferring my degrees and all the work I’ve done to become a pastor. I’ve filled my role as Pastor Jim Zavarian until it’s all I know anymore. The name feels as real to me as my hands. And until you, that’s all I had to be proud of.”
Kayla shuddered and she asked, “You mean, until Kathy?”
“No, Kayla. Not Kathy. You.”
She tilted her head as heart skipped. Damn him for getting to her. “Okay, Jim I’m staying. You said enough to draw me back in. But I am still teetering on leaving forever if you display more hesitation or give me half answers. No matter how hard my questions might be. You have to be there with me. You have to quit with all the mumbling and avoidance of the answers. You have to tell me honestly without postponing your replies indefinitely.”
She pushed him back to sit and simply squatted in front
