“You’re not at all. I’ve listened to you. Kathy adores you and she would never support you if she detected the slightest hint of falsity in your belief system. Come on. Kathy could never fall for your sermons if they weren’t legitimate and you didn’t speak the truth. Right?”
He let a small smile touch his lips. “I might agree with that.”
“You better agree,” she insisted. No doubts with Kayla. “How did you finally know that decent religions and divine messages do exist?”
“The Zavarians’ pastor. I listened to him. He spoke so simply and sweet and nice that I enjoyed his sermons. Saying prayers for others and asking for light and God’s blessings for several sick church members. It was so raw in its beauty and so profound to me. When the collection tray came around, I expected to hear the obscene call for more money, but none came. Some stuck their donations in envelopes, or folded-up checks. I never knew how much they gave. Some people threw in cash: twenties, tens, fives and even one dollar bills. There was some change in it too. I remember seeing how paltry the tray was. It wasn’t as full as Jimmy’s was, but to me it was the first real wealth because it came from decent donors. Does that make any sense?”
“One thousand percent.” Bombs were exploding inside her head. His choice to become a pastor, for one. Now she saw the roots of it. His need to lead the congregation and the significance of his words to reflect decency, generosity and gratitude. He gave the blessing. Materialism, greed, and selfishness were the subjects of ire in his messages. His books were his oldest companions. His lack of emotional connection extended to almost everyone, including Kathy.
His strange reaction to having sex. Oh, crap, now it made some sense.
“I was never in a situation where the Zavarians treated me like their son. They were more like nice employers. But I had no medical insurance and no last name. They were the ones who got my name changed permanently when they adopted me. Dave paid someone for the paperwork on me. It was unusual for the man to do things like that. And pretty decent of them considering they didn’t really love me. They liked me and they respected my work ethic. I showed my gratitude by working even harder for them. Dave was getting older so I helped him by carrying and lifting the heavy stuff he couldn’t anymore. I honestly believe, however, that I wasn’t very lovable or warm as a child. I don’t blame them for not getting closer to me. I didn’t know how to trust them… because I didn’t trust myself.” His gaze lifted to hers for a split second. It was the first time. “I’m still the same way, even as an adult.”
“You are lovable. In your own way, of course.”
“I wanted to become a pastor to connect to others in a healthy way. When I was younger, I didn’t trust my judgment or how to behave. Because I never really learned those things.”
She gripped his hand in hers. It felt limp and lifeless, but he didn’t let hers go. “Oh, Jim, you were a victim of traumatic circumstances. That’s why you ended up a runaway. The Zavarians shouldn’t have put you to work for them; they should have tried to find out what happened and helped you. All the adults in your life failed you. Some much more than others.”
He let out a small sound in reply.
“I never considered that. But they were better to me than any other people I met.”
“Yes. If only they really had gotten to know you.”
He snorted. “Oh, they did. It wasn’t long before they knew all about me.”
“Jimmy? He found you?” Her heart dropped and she wished his story was over. She pictured the young Jim, a smaller version but just as intense, serious, and wearing glasses. So sad and confused. Unwilling to talk to others unless the subject was something he read, or morsels of wisdom that he grasped from Bible scriptures. He probably had the Bible half memorized after spending most of his adult life reading and studying it.
“Yeah. Jimmy told the Zavarians who he was. And consequently, who I was. I guess he hoped they might join his cult. But one look at their weary, law-abiding eyes and I saw the repulsion. They instantly recognized Jimmy as the leader of a cult and a liar, a cheater and a fraud. Turning to me, they saw the same. Fear and distrust blared on their faces and I knew the truth right then. I knew how wretched and filthy I was in their eyes. They wouldn’t throw Jimmy out in my defense. I left wanting to keep my evil DNA from contaminating them and ruining their lives.”
“You ran away from them?”
“Of course. After what I saw in their eyes.”
“Oh, no. Please tell me you talked to them first. You didn’t just leave, did you?”
“Of course, I did. They didn’t have to ask me to leave. They were decent enough and they didn’t deserve the catastrophe I caused them. They saw it clearly. All the depravity, gluttony, greediness and cheating when they saw my grifter father. They probably felt lucky I didn’t bring that wickedness into their house yet.”
She leaned forward, forcing Jim to lift his head. Resting her forehead on his knee, she didn’t say anything for a long time while squeezing his hand. Then she kissed his leg as she looked up. He looked down at her with a puzzled expression and frowned. “Jim? Oh, Jim, you should have discussed it with them first; they adopted you. They took you in. Maybe it lacked all the warmth and fuzziness you longed for as the son they never had. But it was your home. You should
