(I mean, this would 100 percent be a concern in real life because in real life fake Castor would still have the wide, lumpen torso of John Travolta and a big, loose face like Vincent D’Onofrio in Men in Black, and, yes, Pollux would absolutely scream and scream at a skin-suit demon made from his brother’s mutilated body strolling into interrogation room 2 like, “How do you do, fellow brother?” But in this movie, IT’S JUST THE REAL NICOLAS CAGE. POLLUX WOULD BUY IT. I PROMISE.)
Instead, and I’m getting reports that this is actually the only way, you could drop Sean Archer into a secret prison and not tell anybody about the fact that he took his face…off, not even the guards there, so he just has to fend for himself with the face and bangs of the most hated guy on earth inside of a lawless cage filled with murderers who hate that guy extra because he 69ed all of their sisters. This is way better than the two guys talking in a room idea!
Sean is in prison now and a mean man in a little hat is yelling at him. “YOU ARE NOW A CITIZEN OF EREHWON PRISON, YOU BELONG TO NOWHERE.” Erehwon is nowhere backward, so kindly reanimate my corpse from where it lies in front of the Mirror of Erised and kill me again.
It turns out, in EREHWON, all the prisoners have to wear giant metal knee-high boots because they make it very hard to walk and also, “This entire prison’s one big magnetic field. Your boots tell us where you are.” This is kind of the signature thing of the prison, and it’s pretty fucked up, but, silver lining—those inmates are stacked. They should do a THIGHS OF EREHWON calendar to raise money for more cattle prods!
Sean gets bullied by a mean prisoner in the lunchroom, and at first he just lets the guy whale on him, but then he remembers to be Castor Troy and be good at fighting. To make sure everyone knows he’s Castor Troy and not an FBI agent with a face, bangs, chest hair, voice, and height transplant, he starts screaming, “I’M CASTOR TROY! I’M CASTOR TROY! WOOOOOOOOO!”
That is what he’d say. He always said that.
Meanwhile, back at the lab, the real Castor Troy wakes up without a face. (I’m sorry, they just left him there without a guard? The world’s most wanted supercriminal and freelance dickhead? Not even a night nurse or a drip sedative?) He touches his raw skull, confused for one second, and then is like, “Ohhhhhh, I see what they did.”
You do???????????????????????????
Castor phones his henchmen and has them kidnap the doc and bring him back to the lab.
Doc: What do you want?
I DON’T KNOW, DOC.
DOES HE SEEM TO BE MISSING ANYTHING IMPORTANT?
Back in prison, Sean is finally getting the goods from Pollux.
Pollux: We’re gonna blow up LA, bro, it’s gonna be cool. [Not a good enough reason, IMO!]
Sean: That bomb you built belongs in the Louvre.
Pollux: Oh, well, I guess the LA Convention Center will have to do, giggle giggle.
Oh, great! Now Sean can get out of here and save LA just in time! Oops, he has a visitor, so the guards take him to a metal room and lock his boots to the floor. Who’s it gonna be? Tito, I hope!
OH, it’s only Castor Troy, wearing Sean’s face! And, bad news, he killed the doc. He killed Tito. He killed CCH Pounder. Now there’s nobody left who knows that they took their faces………….…OFF! Sean’s stuck in boot prison till death!
Castor’s like, “I have got to go, I’ve got a government job to abuse and a lonely wife to fuck,” and, I’m sorry—did they change your dick too? Because I am over 70 percent sure that she will notice!
Okay, now Castor Troy is just running WILD all over Sean Archer’s life, and aside from the part where he aggressively hits on Sean’s teenage daughter, which I cannot type about because I had to flush my brain down the toilet, it’s tough to find fault with any of it! Sean sucked, and Castor is fun, and what does he really do that’s so bad? He defuses his own bomb and becomes a national hero! He jokes around with his employees and is nice to them for once! He takes Sean’s wife on an actual date night (he made lobster, tiny artichokes, and spaghetti) and rocks her world in the sack! Okay, that is rape, actually, and I am moving it to the “bad” column. But everything else—pretty cool! What has the real Sean ever done that is actually helpful? Seriously?
For some reason, they show the news on a giant screen at the prison, so Sean has to sit there all day and watch his greatest nemesis be way better at his life than he is. He has got to get out of there.
Here’s his escape plan, which he appears to make up and execute on the fly: Sean asks a guard for a cigarette, then gets himself beat up and sent to shock therapy. They take your metal boots off when you get shock therapy, which he knew somehow, and the shock therapy protocol is that once a guy is done getting shocked they just throw him on the floor next to the shock therapy chair. So Sean gets in there, and they’re just finishing shocking the last guy—a guy who hates Castor because Castor had a “sex sandwich” with his wife and sister. Sean knows how to use the sex sandwich to his advantage because they teach you that in the FBI. As they’re strapping him into the chair, Sean says to the guy, “I didn’t fuck your wife, I didn’t fuck your sister, so let’s get out of here.”
The guy, who one second ago was unconscious and twitching and foaming at the mouth, is healed by the holy knowledge that Castor Troy did not have a
