Castor is at the cemetery visiting the grave of Sean’s son (booooooooring!), when Margaret Cho calls to tell him Castor Troy escaped from Erehwon. But don’t worry, she says, he definitely died jumping into the wawa.
Castor freaks out and insists he has to see the dead body, and Margaret Cho is like, “Even if he is alive, he wouldn’t be stupid enough to come back to the city!” Ma’am, respectfully, who cares??? He is the world’s number-one worst terrorist! You absolutely need to take a couple of hours to find that bod and make sure he’s actually dead!
Wait, no worries—Sean immediately calls Castor on the phone to taunt him and relinquish his one major advantage. “Well, if you’re Sean Archer, I guess I’m Castor Troy.”
Now it is the time for Sean Archer and Castor Troy to face off at last. They took their faces…off, AND THEY FACE OFF. DO YOU GET IT? You know this pun was the entire pitch!
Sean goes to Castor’s friend’s tacky casino loft for a party. He gets super high on pills and tells his crime team that he’s going to get Sean Archer.
“I want to take his face…off.”
“You want to take his face…off?”
“Yes, I want to take his face….…off. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to use the little boys’ weewee room.”
Meanwhile, while Sean is using the little boys’ weewee room, Castor is over at Sean’s house doing some extreme parenting. He sees Danny Masterson (yikes) trying to rape Sean’s teen daughter, Jamie, in the driveway, so he fucking murders him! Heck yes! The old Sean would have cupped his balls probably!!
Then he lectures Jamie on dressing sluttily (actually, he says, “Dress up like Halloween and ghouls will try to get in your pants,” but I assume that’s what he means?), and Jamie is like, “Someone tries to rape me and I’m to blame?” and he’s like, “Fair point, do you have protection?” and she’s like, “You mean like condoms?” and he’s like, “NO, LIKE A WIGGLY KNIFE.” And he gives her a wiggly knife.
Back in the crime loft, Sean is having a sensual extramarital moment with Gina Gershon. “Gina Gershon,” he says, “I’m not the same person you remember.”
Yeah, I know, you have a completely different body.
Gershon decides this is the number-one hot moment to inform Castor (Sean) that he’s the father of her son, Adam, who unfortunately looks a lot like Sean’s real dead son. She’s like, “Adam, I want you to meet your father,” and the kid comes over and Sean, who is very high, has a complete meltdown about it. He grabs this kid and is just crying and screaming, “Michael? Michael? Michael?” Just then, the FBI shoots one million bullets into the building, killing everyone. (“Thank god!”—Adam, probably.)
Sean grabs Adam to rescue him from the FBI (yeah, me, the guy they’re trying to shoot the most—let me carry the kid!) and hides him in a corner of the crime loft.
Sean: Don’t be scared, okay?
Adam: Okay.
Yeah, I’m not scared now. This isn’t scary at all. I’ll just sit here and listen to my headphones while my mom and all her friends are massacred by the cops.
Sean and Castor end up in a face-off on either side of a two-sided mirror.
Castor: I don’t know what I hate wearing worse. Your face or your body. I mean, I enjoy boning your wife, but let’s face it—we both like it better the other way, yes? So why don’t we just trade back?
Sean: You can’t give back what you’ve taken from me.
Castor: Oh, well, plan B, let’s just kill each other.
Then they each have to SHOOT THEIR OWN REFLECTION. Wow! It means something!
Sean kills Pollux, which Castor hates. Now neither of them can give back what they’ve taken from them! Nobody escapes except for Sean, Gina Gershon, and Adam.
Archer’s boss at the FBI, Victor (who is not enough of an FBI boss to be aware of the face/off scenario), is rightfully pissed that Sean got numerous FBI agents slaughtered for no reason and tries to take him off the anti-terrorism team. But since Sean is actually Castor, instead of saying sorry, he just murders Victor by surprising him real bad and then punching him in the chest so he has a heart attack.
A desperate and injured Sean breaks into his own house so he can explain everything to his wife. From where she’s sitting, though, the terrorist who murdered her son is currently bleeding all over her bed. But don’t worry, Sean has prepared an explanation so she doesn’t freak out: “I’m Sean!” Good save!
He tells her to test his blood against fake Sean’s. They might have identical dicks, but they have different blood types.
Sean goes back to Gina Gershon and tenderly promises her, “Whatever happens, I promise Sean Archer is off your back for good.” Are you sure? She shot like twelve FBI agents in that last scene! Those were your friends!
Next there is a signature John Woo slow-motion bird shot with seagulls, and then immediately after there is a signature John Woo slow-motion bird shot with pigeons! Now the seagulls and the pigeons are going to FACE/OFF.
At last, it’s time for the final face/off in the church after Victor’s funeral. Everyone is pointing guns at everyone, and everyone shoots everyone, mostly. Gina Gershon clings to Sean and is like, “Take care of our boy, I love him so much, don’t let him grow up to be like us,” and then she dies. And Sean’s wife is jealous, like that’s her biggest problem right now??
Jamie shows up, and she doesn’t know yet that her dad and his nemesis took
