The future is sort of like the present but more bitchin’. Like, they still mail things by having a literal guy pick them up and carry them from one place to another (LOL), but the mailbox has a COMPUTER ATTACHED, so, impressive. Everyone is wearing wacky pants, the gas station is a robot, and all the cars look like logs of dook. Also, instead of skateboards they have these things that are exactly like skateboards except 400 percent more dangerous. It is just a trip, I tell you.
Marty heads to Café ’80s, which is an ’80s-themed cafe where all the patrons are dressed up in “vintage” ’80s clothes. (Uh, you know people don’t actually wear period costume when they go to novelty restaurants, right? I also don’t dress like a toucan when I go to the Rainforest Café.) Their special today is “mesquite grilled sushi,” which is just crazy, because who has ever heard of such a thing!? Only in 2015!!! Marty runs into Biff, who is old now, but not too old to call Marty a butthead.
Then another Biff comes in! Except it’s not Biff, it’s GRIFF, Biff’s grandson! He looks exactly like Biff, just like Marty looks exactly like his own son, because apparently this universe has that Lady and the Tramp disease where all the boy babies look like the dad and all the girl babies look like the mom. “Genetics.” Hey, I have a question. Who’s the Biff of Marty’s generation? Who’s Griff’s dad? Does he look like Biff too? Or does the Biff skip a generation? Doesn’t anyone in this world ever fucking notice that there are only, like, four guys?
While Griff yells at Biff, Marty takes a sec to get clowned on by Elijah Wood and some other terrible urchin. Just then, Marty Jr.—who is a shambling simpleton, for reasons unexplained—comes in for his afternoon bullying appointment. Griff and his hench-griffs offer the customary 2015 pleasantries, inquiring after Marty’s scrote, etc., and then try to persuade him to do this mysterious crime that’s going to end his days. Old Marty, listening from his hiding place behind the counter, is appalled to discover that his future son is a “complete wimp” who can’t even say no to a large, violent gang of Lost Boys extras with mercury poisoning. For shame.
Luckily, Griff tosses Young Marty over the counter in a murderous rage, so Old Marty is able to do a switcheroo, hop up, and take the place of his wimpy, terrible son. And double luckily, Griff calls Marty “chicken” almost immediately, triggering the ancient warlock’s hex moste foule that causes Marty to morph into ULTRA-MARTY. He now has the strength of both a teenage boy and a chicken.
Marty punches Griff in the tooth and then steals a little child’s hoverboard, which she probably got for her birthday, and zooms away. The hooligans chase him, but Marty is the lithest and craftiest hoverboarder of them all, so he wins. Then, the character of Griff, along with this entire save-Young-Marty-from-making-a-horrible-mistake story line, is abandoned and NEVER SEEN AGAIN.
Instead, Marty goes to the antique store and buys a sports almanac, determined to take it back to 1985 so he can become a billionaire and eradicate chickens. Doc is like, “BRRRRLLRRLBBLBBBLLBLBBLLLBLLBLBL, YOU DILDO, NO SPORTS ALMANACS IS THE NUMBER-TWO RULE OF TIME TRAVEL!” (The number-one rule of time travel, as far as I can discern from time travel movies, is to never, ever use it to correct any of the catastrophic sins of history, such as by killing Hitler or giving a machine gun to every enslaved person in the antebellum South, but instead mainly just try to pass your history report and hornily scam on babes.) Marty, however, does not care about the fabric of space-time; he cares only for diamonds and rubies.
Just then, the cops find Jennifer’s corpse in the garbage, scan her DNA, and get the address where Future Adult Jennifer lives with Marty and their garbage kids. They drop her off there, which is hella dangerous, Doc explains, because if she meets her future self it could “unravel the very fabric of the space-time continuum.” It was totally worth it to bring her, though! And thanks, by the way, for having literally two female characters in this entire movie—one of whom spends it either comatose in the garbage or yapping about wedding dresses, and the other who’s trapped in a sham marriage being abused by a sweaty gargoyle for sixty years.
Old Biff overhears Marty and Doc talking about the time machine, so he follows them to Jennifer’s house and then steals the DeLorean, along with the sports almanac, while Marty’s just wandering aimlessly around in the street for no reason. Biff drives back to 1955—he doesn’t understand basic words and phrases, but he can intuit how to use a ramshackle time machine?—and gives the sports almanac to Young Biff so that Young Biff can become Rich Biff. Then Old Biff comes back to 2015, puts the time machine back, and sneaks away like everything’s cool.
Now, here’s my question. If Future Biff gives the sports almanac to Past Biff, and Past Biff uses it to get mega-rich, then doesn’t Future Biff turn into Rich Biff? How does he go back to the same regular Hill Valley where Doc and Marty are searching for Jennifer? Wouldn’t he instantly transform into Rich Biff? And doesn’t that Hill Valley not exist anymore? And, like, at some point in the Rich Biff timeline, shouldn’t Rich Biff have to travel back to 1955 to give the almanac to Young Biff? But where would Rich Biff get a time machine? TIME TRAVEL DOESN’T MAKE SENSE, AND I THINK WE SHOULD MAKE IT ILLEGAL.
Meanwhile, at Jennifer and Marty’s house, Young
