2. YOU’RE A WIZARDE:(57 DAYS, OR LESS IF YOU’RE RUBBISH)
The Full Greeblewhoz
This once-in-a-lifetime experience is extremely expensive, but worth every penny you can scrape together if you truly want to live the Wizardely life.
— TESTIMONIALS —
… and another thing, that stoat place was a bloody rip off. Dark Repast?? We queued for two hours just to sit and watch some git in a cape look miserable while drinking soup. Waste of time. Pranslemead was a bit better, but still pricey. Grinning sods saw us coming, I reckon. Five large-farthings for a cup of tea and a sandwich? Unbelievable. And I swear that talking salt shaker gave my change in gilly-farthings, too. And don’t talk to me about those fucking alligators. That bloke wants locking up. As for the Grunche, it’s a disgrace to call that a family sport, to be frank. Some of the language in the stands was shocking, and I had to cover my youngest’s eyes and ears when their lead drangle got done by the Hammer. And all the time the fans were just braying and chucking sweets at each other, as if there weren’t people starving in the real world. Honestly, I can see why everyone on the M-side can’t stand this lot.
— Extract from testimonial by Jez Blither, father of three[47]
DAY 1
It all starts with a bat sent to your boarding house in Lundowne, inviting you to Greeblewhoz through a one-way, single-use portal. When the time comes, just climb into whichever fridge, washing machine or cupboard is emitting an ethereal blue glow, and take the jump. You’ll arrive just outside the grounds where, as well as tourists like you, the annual intake of kids will be assembling. This can be a bit awkward if you’re in your forties, so find the other ‘mature students’ (i.e. other tourists) as quickly as you can and begin the process of becoming an inseparable band of chums. Don’t get too attached yet, though: at the gates you’ll be tested for your magical potential, and if you’re found to be a dud, you’ll have to say an early goodbye.[48] This can be a bummer, especially as you will have paid the non-refundable tuition fees up front, but it is what it is. Presuming you do pass the test, you’ll be invited into Greeblewhoz’s main hall to enjoy a lavish welcome feast, during which Mr Grinnywithers will determine your house by giving you a horrid bony handshake.
DAYS 2–56
The next eight weeks of education will be some of the most challenging of your life, but also some of the most rewarding. You and your new chums will experience discouraging monologues from haunted paintings, fiascos involving the misuse of devastatingly powerful artefacts, and ritualistic persecution at the hands of the official School Bullies. But you’ll also befriend members of staff, to the extent that they’ll break the law repeatedly to help you out of a tight spot – so it all balances out. Late in term you’ll probably get your first chance to use magic in anger, as the Academy’s grounds will no doubt suffer an incursion from some kind of disgruntled monster. Once upon a time these incidents would have been real crises, instigated by malevolent agents of Baron Deathwish. These days they are largely drills with paid monsters, but they’re still thrilling to take part in. You’ll also probably get the chance to go on a field trip to the Mundane world: these tend to involve intense observation of military installations from a distance, without being seen by anyone.
Floyd’s Tip
It’s worth noting that the war changed more than just the curriculum at Greeblewhoz. The once-jovial ghosts that walked the halls were weaponised into hunter-killer apparitions to guard against Mundane commandos, and still patrol the grounds in shrieking, loping packs. Meanwhile, the castle’s main keep remains scarred from blast damage, and the quadrangles are filled with sombre statues of fallen students. Nevertheless, the Greeblewhoz spirit remains undaunted: each night, the students and staff gather for feasts in the Great Hall, which inevitably descend into heated political rallies where magically created food is destroyed in defiant rituals.
DAY 57
At the end of term, as the snow begins, it will be time for the Great Midwinter Banquet, with fun, feasting and brutally uncompromising performance reviews for all students. For many tourist students, this is where the fun has to come to an end. Be warned: if you haven’t shown during your first term that you’re either a potential Chosen One or at least an exceptionally powerful potential paramilitary asset, you’ll be quietly asked to leave the premises by one of the larger members of the faculty.[49] If you’re deemed worthy, however, you get to stay and enjoy the party – during which you will probably want to have a long hard think about whether you’re ready to abandon your former life and become a Wizarde.
3. THE SECRET WAR:
An Elephant in the Room Safari
This tour is forbidden by the Mundane authorities, so be warned: if something goes wrong, you’ll be arrested, and no earthly government will be able to help. For the bold, though, it’s an eye-opener.
DAY 1
After arrival in Lundowne, transfer by coach to the melancholy northern market town of Skagsbury, where you should head to a defeated-looking pub called the Totally Normal Horse[50] and start asking around for Spooky Joe. Joe is an ageing ex-Greeblewhoz staffer and Whizzbang Lane survivor who went AWOL after the war, unwilling to rejoin Wizardely society but unable to defect to the Mundanes. Now he lives here, in deep cover as a homeless man, on a mission
