DAY 1
After arrival in Lundowne, check into the Queen’s Arse, a midrange hotel with poky rooms smelling faintly of cigarette smoke. Dinner is a heaving plate of grey curry with overboiled rice, after which you will collapse into a heavy sleep.
DAY 2
After a dismal fried breakfast, stop by the Department of Magic to admire its whimsical, multicoloured facade. The Forgettening altered the Mundanes’ brains to make them unable to fully perceive it, so you’ll be free to chortle at their baffled, uneasy expressions while you take plenty of snaps. When you’re done, head to what used to be the Ape and Statue pub at the head of Dead Toad Road to begin your transfer to Whimsicalia.
WHY WON’T MY MINIBAR OPEN?
Those in the Mundane government spared the Forgettening are constantly paranoid about the possibility of Wizarde terrorism, and have passed regulations to ensure that cupboards, chimneys and other spaces commonly used as portals by Wizardes remain boobytrapped and bound by chains. So if your fridge won’t open, it’s for your own safety.
DTR
For centuries before the secret, magical ‘Platform Zero’ was built at Empire Cross Station, the cobbled medieval alleyway known as Dead Toad Road was the main permanent portal between Mundane Lundowne and its Wizarde quarter. Accessed through two pub back rooms – one at the Mundania end and one at the Whimsicalia end – it was a place where Wizardes went to shop and dally in the atmosphere of the city, and where many of Lundowne’s magically gifted youngsters would get their first taste of the astonishing world awaiting them. Now, however, Dead Toad Road has a markedly different atmosphere. The pubs have been built up into a pair of heavily fortified, opposing checkpoints, and the alley’s shops now ply their trade under the watchful eyes of armed guards, temporarily freed from the Forgettening in order to keep the peace. For tourists, travelling legally from one world to the other means traversing the checkpoints at DTR.
You’ll need to have plenty of documents with you, which you should arrange via your travel agent at least a month prior to departure. If everything checks out, the customs process – including security interviews, random searches and intimidation by dogs – can be over in as little as an hour. It will take a while for the customs Warlocks at the former Broom & Bogbert to process your entry application, so take your time to enjoy some shopping for magical goodies.[42] Once entry is granted, head to your lodgings – a spare room in the mansion of a quirky magical academic, complete with a talking suit of armour and some kind of lovable ghost.
DAY 3
Today is all about shopping and as much sightseeing as you can fit in. Lundowne’s Wizarde quarter is fairly pokey, but there’s still more than you can see in a day: the bunworks on Spunsugar Street, the trinket market in Abnorm Alley, and the statue of Miller and Deathwish in Cracklebrak Plaza are all must-visits, though. When dusk falls, you’ll travel out to the suburbs to have dinner with the Bozzlebees, a family of ordinary Wizardes. They’re a large and light-heartedly rambunctious clan, so expect plenty of tomfoolery and levitating cutlery during the meal – just don’t crush the mood by remarking on any of the empty chairs and untouched meals.
DAY 4
After a long lie in on day four, your hosts will conjure a one-use portal to Chumbleton, where you’ll check in to one of the guestrooms at the Talking Hat. Take the afternoon to explore the town and its environs – but do hire a local guide.[43]
In the evening you’ll board a chartered flying bathtub, headed to the Bolderbiff Trust Magical Nature Reservation in Albionus’ northern highlands. At the reservation you’ll be hosted by the titanic gamekeeper Bagfists, who looks after the park from a dilapidated cottage that he shares with his Nine Tame Alligators.[44] He’ll lead you on a magical night safari, and you’ll be able to experience the reservation from a trailer affixed to the back of his Majestic Flying Tricycle.[45] If you’re lucky you’ll see Taszrak and other exciting hybrids, while you’re almost guaranteed to spot a Blunderback and endless herds of shitty Gurbos. When the trip’s over Bagfists will serve you steaming bowls of his famous spider-claw stew, and regale you with fireside tales until you get sleepy and/or too worried about the alligators.
(DON’T) FAKE IT TILL YOU SNAKE IT: STAYING SAFE IN CRICKLEDALE
Despite the ceasefire, Dark Wizardes won’t fraternise with Mundanes and are deeply suspicious of tourists. No matter how tempting it is, however, do not in any way pretend to be a Wizarde in order to be accepted here. There was a horrible incident a while back, where a famous offworld illusionist put on a heavily publicised gig in Crickledale, claiming he could bamboozle the Dark Wizardes with his mind-blowing close-up magic. He was fed to a large grey snake.
DAY 5
It’s time to say bye to Bagfists on day five, after he tricycles you over the mountains to Crickledale. The territory of the Dark Wizardes was never previously open to tourists, and even now its denizens are frosty to off-worlders. Still, in deference to the growing number of visitors, a guest house called the Strangled Stoat has been set up, where you can soak up the gloomy ambience of Crickledale and even share a Dark Repast with the naughty Wizardes themselves. You’ll probably be glad to leave in the morning, but you’ll be glad to have seen it.
DAY 6
Your trip comes to an end in the blissful Wizarde town of Pranslemead, where you can experience the heights of Wizardely culture. The local theatres are sure to have some incarnation of the Miller Cycle on stage, and these performances are superb fun for families who enjoy audience
