Currency
Mundane currency is bog standard – little embossed brass coins and plastic sheets with unsmiling politicians printed on them. Once in Whimsicalia, you’ll be looking to swap your money for Faeyrie groats, forged by Klatterling smiths from exotic gold alloys. Coin denominations are tricky: the system was complicated even before the war, but when the Mundane government tried to press the Wizardes to adopt the metric system as part of the ceasefire agreement, they doubled down on their currency’s complexity out of spite.
WHAT’S IN A GROAT?
43 grabblers make a gilly-farthing
Three-and-a-half gilly-farthings make a large-farthing
17 large-farthings make a short-farthing
4 short-farthings make a whammo
7/12 of a whammo is a groat
DAILY SAMPLE COSTS
BUDGET: Less than 1wh,3g,1(s)f,6(l)f,2(g)f,21g per day
Attic bunk in a witch’s cottage – ???[37]
Cauldron-taxi from Greeblewhoz to Chumbleton – ???
Jumbo bag of Mr Nincomplod’s Fabulous Fizzy Bee Arses – ???
Hour of levitation tuition – ???
MIDRANGE: Between 1wh,3g,1(s)f,6(l)f,2(g)f,21g and 4wh,2g,2(s)f,12(l)f,1(g)f,14g per day
Dungeon-level suite at Greeblewhoz – ???
Wizarde’s fee for a 200 mile portal jump – ???
Nine-course meal in a magical inn – ???
Ticket to see the Pranslemead Grozzlers play Grunche – ???
TOP END: More than 4wh,2g,2(s)f,12(l)f,1(g)f,14g per day
Penthouse at the Smoking Spider country club in Crickledale – ???
Overnight berth on the Greeblewhoz Express – ???
Endless food and enchanted cutlery – ???
Full magic tuition at Greeblewhoz (comes with scarf) – ???
Don’t Forget to Pack …
Family heirlooms
There’s no getting around the fact that at some point – especially if you dress as well as me – you’re going to end up fifteen minutes into a conversation with a Wizarde who has mistaken you for another Wizarde. If you want to avoid the awkwardness of explaining that you’re a non-magic user, it’s worth having a small family heirloom on hand which you can pretend has a magical backstory going back generations.
DON’T MISS: GREEBLEWHOZ MIDWINTER BANQUET
While most of Greeblewhoz’s nightly feasts are off-limits to visitors due to the fact that they can get … quite political, the famous Midwinter Banquet is open to tourists. Running dusk till dawn on the longest night of the year, this utter gut-buster has been known to defeat the appetites of visiting giants and is the pinnacle of Wizardely hospitality. Here’s a sample menu from last year:
6 p.m.
An intimidating number of hors d’oeuvres: Bogbert fancies, vol-au-vents from a never-emptying tray, enchanted salmon, ‘imp bollocks’[38]
7 p.m.
Pre-dinner desserts: warlock creme, gremlinflower sorbet, wibblyplip pudding, sausage & mash panna cotta, the custard hose
7.45 p.m.
Opening speech by Headmaster Candleflash
8.15 p.m.
The pumpkin course: pumpkin soup, pastries, bread, sweets, stew and fritters
9 p.m.
The weird pies course: glitter gravy, roast beast, steak and Brattleperk’s, frog larynx, pumpkin
10.30 p.m.
Opening speech by Headmaster Candleflash will probably end
11 p.m.
The magic meat course: steamed giant spider legs, greased gryphon eggs, dryad salad, ghost venison
11.15 p.m.
First-term performance reviews for all students, and presentation of this year’s potential Chosen Ones, as well as house prizes
11.59 p.m.
Minute’s silence for the fallen
Midnight
Space reserved for dramatic reveal of Dark Wizarde masquerading as teacher
1.30 a.m.
Comedy roast of Dark Wizarde[39]
2 a.m.
Starters begin anew: salamander caviar, flying chicken wings, Professor McBungus’s Tap-dancing Fungus, jurgle soup
2.30 a.m.
Traditional midwinter roc roast with all the trimmings
3 a.m.
Final course of cheese and fruit
4 a.m.
An entire bucket of sausages is slapped in front of each guest
5.30 a.m.
Guests retire, Bogberts begin clearing up the worst of the sick
Indigestion remedies for horses
Despite the limitless healthcare resources offered by the magical arts, Wizardes only really know how to ease digestive complaints in the human part of a Centaur. If you want to make some very firm friends among the half-equine community, stock up on horse drugs. Recreational ones, too.
A knife forged from a horseshoe
Apart from the whole affair with the lingering aftermath of a global conflict, Mundania is a relatively safe place to visit. Even so, you wouldn’t want to visit a planet swarming with guerrilla-trained magical creatures and not take a cold iron blade, would you?
Manners and Etiquette
Mundanes didn’t forget everything
While the Forgettening may have erased Mundanes’ specific memories of the war, it did nothing to lift the profound trauma dealt to their subconscious minds. As such, exclamations like ‘Hey presto!’ and ‘Alakazam!’ will not only alarm people, but may prompt a PTSD response, while describing an idea as a ‘wizarde wheeze’ will get you punched in the face in broad daylight.[40]
Don’t try to free the Bogberts
Dressed in rags and stooped from constant labour, the Bogberts horrify many travellers, and I’ve lost track of the number of times well-meaning backpackers have tried to start slave revolts on their behalf. It never works, however. The Bogberts were enchanted with a spell so that they simply need to toil on others’ behalf, and are in fact happiest in Crickledale, where the Dark Wizardes make no pretence of offering them civility or decent living conditions.[41]
Don’t make Deathwish/Miller jokes
Wizardes love to make jokes drawing on the former enmity between supporters of the Girl Who Did Not Die and the acolytes of Baron Deathwish. This once-deadly feud lost its meaning during the war against the Mundanes, and even became a source of jovial competitiveness. Indeed, it all seems a big laugh until you, a tourist, decide to chip in. Then, no matter how good your punchline, the room will fall silent and you’ll find ranks of scar-riven faces staring at you with eyes that have watched comrades burn alive. You wouldn’t know: you weren’t there.
4. SUGGESTED ITINERARIES
1. BEST OF BOTH WORLDS:(6 DAYS)
Lundowne to Pranslemead
If you’ve got limited time but want to see the full contrast of Mundania’s dual worlds, this tour is
