OK, so first things first. Do you remember all those rumours we kept hearing about … West? You know, the Cowboy World those backpackers swore they’d visited, but we could never find?
Well … I found it. And you won’t believe it, but they were right. You do just have to keep walking west, from anywhere, and you get there. It’s really hard to explain – it’s not like normal west, you see – but it makes sense when you’re doing it.
Unfortunately, I seem to be in a spot of bother here. And I promise you, I really do, that it’s not my fault this time. Or rather it is my fault, but it’s not anything I’ve done since I got here. Stop, Floyd, you’re rambling!
Right. Well. The problem is, while the backpackers had it right on one front – this place certainly is West – they were talking complete shit about the cowboys part. I was hoping it would be, you know, ten-gallon hats and gold mines and things, right? But it’s not. This isn’t Cowboy West at all. I think it’s— [inaudible]
Oh fuck, Eliza. I think this is the Bad West. Like, where I nearly ended up at the end of the Mittelvelde trip. The Elven West.
The big giveaway, I suppose, was the Elves. Antlered gits. I saw them on the sixth day, to the west of course, and I tried to walk away from them. I kept trying, but whatever I did, I just found myself walking west, right towards them. And now they’re here. Or I’m there.
Either way, there’s a whole shitload of Elves here, in a cave, and they want a word with me.
I know I always used to scoff at what you said, Eliza, about this whole Worlds business being an experiment of some kind. Well, I’m sorry for that. As it happens, I’m afraid you might have been absolutely right.
I think it has been an experiment. Or rather, a test – wasn’t that what you called it? – and they’ve been watching the whole time. And now, Eliza, I believe the Elves have drawn their conclusions.
And if that’s the case, then I strongly suspect this is goodbye. I’m not going to ask you to come and bail me out, because you’ve done that enough. And besides, for once, I’m not sure I deserve the help. So just … finish the book, and if you are inclined to be kind, try to make me sound like a bit less of an arsehole.
Oh, and since I won’t have to deal with the consequences now, you can tell the Bison King I always thought he was a total c—
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FOOTNOTES
INTRODUCTION
1. Well, that’s a professional way to start the book off, Floyd. – ES
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2. Not to mention your vast inherited wealth and sprawling old boys’ network, hey? – ES
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EDITORIAL NOTE
1. I’m a retired diplomat, thanks. And I’ll thank you to remember that I appeared on Noel’s Dog Food Challenge for charity.
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2. Entirely unfair. Those pirates were desperate for smokes, and there has only been the one civil war – which I thought we had agreed not to mention???
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3. Cheers for that.
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CHAPTER ONE: MITTELVELDE
1. Fysteros has – in my view – become little more than a cheesy, blood-soaked parody of itself at this point. I mean, honestly, there’s just no need for that much violence, even if it brings the cash in. How do they keep finding new pretenders to the throne at this point? What’s in it for these people?
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2. Often literally, if you take the opportunity to stay with Dwarves. They’re obsessed with hiding gems.
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3. Floyd, you realise putting this in quotation marks just makes you look like a bigot? – ES
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4. And their hoards increasingly comprise cheap watches looted from other unfortunate tourists.
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5. Please, though, forget the cheap Fysterosi ‘slayer ranches’: a chance to fight a dragon for the price of a mid-range meal may sound enticing, but when you’re handed a length of chain by a jaded knight smoking a roll-up and given two minutes to go mental on a heavily sedated alligator, you will feel nothing but shame. Believe me.
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6. Of course, there are plenty of dullards in exile who question whether the Bison King was ever truly ‘good’ in the first place. However, since his troops wore silver armour and fought Orcs in obsidian mail, (and especially since he was kind enough to offer you use of a summer villa in New Tharn, right? – ES) the ethics of the situation seem pretty bloody clear to me.
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7. Just for the record, Floyd, this is not even the first time in this, the first chapter of your guidebook, that you’ve given the thumbs up to the looting of dead bodies as a leisure activity. – ES
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8. They say Yattan-Gur means ‘final liberator’ in Orcish, but by ‘they’ I mean Orcs, so do take it with a pinch of salt.
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9. With the Elves slowly vanishing from the world, and the Dwarves increasingly focused on digging holes, the Forces of Good pretty much boiled down to the Bison King and his vassals this time round.
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10. Again, the Orcs say the mace was a piece of powerful healing technology and call Grimlakk ‘the traitor general’ – it’s a sobering indictment of just how badly brainwashed they were by the Duke.
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11. Given that it’s basically a big theme park built by what amounts to slave labour, perhaps? – ES
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12. They also grow an awful lot of weed here, so it’s a popular hangout for Wizards.
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13. This is partially
