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14. And he is generous: just last month he set aside a new fund to put up statues of himself all over New Tharn, to replace all the smashed ones of the Duke.
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15. Floyd – I know we’ve discussed, but … don’t you think your coverage of the King seems just a little biased? Does all this have anything to do with that villa? And just why has the Bison King been inclined to do so many favours for you? – ES
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16. And frankly, I’d only ask for a geographer’s opinion if I wanted to know which brand of colouring pencil to use.
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17. At the time of writing, the region is perfectly clement, but that won’t stop every single inhabitant of the place offering you their own grim weather forecast at the drop of a hat. It’s very repetitive.
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18. At least, it does to people who enjoy betting on fights in the Bison King’s Super Monster Arena, right Floyd? – ES
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19. Some Orcish scholars claim that Orcs were the original inhabitants of Mittelvelde, and that their land was subsequently carved up by successive waves of invaders – a tragic hangover of the propaganda inflicted by the Duke of Night on her once-noble subjects. Also, without wanting to sound rude, how scholarly can one really expect Orcs to be?
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20. This is almost certainly a spelling mistake, and they mean ‘Defiler’.
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21. Really. That’s the best cover-up for overhunting you could come up with? – ES
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22. Endlessly correcting people’s language too. I spent the best part of an hour arguing with one about the definition of the word ‘haste’.
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23. There used to be an eighth classification – Halblets – for the people of Rannewicke, before it was determined that they were in fact just Humans who were a bit short.
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24. Floyd, I’m not sure Goblins are what you think they are. – ES
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25. Frankly, I won’t miss them when they’re gone. Creepy bastards.
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26. It roughly translates as ‘Party Time’
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27. Apart from Orc families, I presume? – ES
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28. A likely story.
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29. Oh for fuck’s sake, Floyd. You have to be kidding, right? You can’t seriously think … OK, never mind, it’s almost funny how much you’ve missed the obvious here. – ES
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30. Whatever you say about the Bison King, you can’t deny he’s made the carts run on time. I respect that.
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31. Please don’t learn this the hard way, like I did.
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32. That’ll be his secret police, then. – Eliza
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33. It’s only half a groat to throw rocks at an Ogre stooped in a muddy cage, but you’ll feel a bit bad afterwards.
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34. It’s a protest song, Floyd. – ES
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35. And I really mean big – the elephants out there are preposterously large.
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36. Except in Fysteros, where of course anything goes. You could show up there in a tracksuit if you were gauche enough.
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37. Unless you get rinsed by a fraud, that is. After the incident with the Dwarven rhino thing, I got sewn up by a local chancer posing as an Archmage, who was making up spells as he went along. I ended up with two arses for a fortnight, until a genuine Wizard charged me 80 Bison Groats to correct the work.
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38. Maybe the Orcs might have better medical technology if the Bison King hadn’t taken literally everything from them? I dunno, just a thought. – ES
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39. They’re actually really keen on Turkish Delight, if you ask them. – ES
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40. A further warning: Dwarven hugs are awkward. For a start, the height differential results in a very difficult chin-to-crotch dynamic, and then they go on for ages. Not just a moment or two too long – an entire minute or more, in total silence save for the occasional companionable grunt.
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41. Yeah, it was weird that. Wasn’t anything to do with you, Floyd, was it? – ES
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42. Which you may or may not expect.
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43. It largely depends on whether you’re able to wake from your feast-slumber before your hosts begin packing the next meal into your mouth.
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44. So named for its sign, a graphic illustration of an Orc getting brained by an unsmiling knight, which has taken on a controversial air since the end of the war.
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45. It’s worth bringing some air freshener, as Blozzh seem to fart constantly and the tunnels are pretty close. Nobody enjoys retching on bat guff, after all.
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46. The tour is truly relentless, and guides tend to have no filter whatsoever. As far as they’re concerned, it’s inconceivable that anyone could not be obsessed with mining. Expect to take in hours of degree-level knowledge of techniques for ore extraction, slag disposal and heat transfer (some of it in song), as well as chillingly detailed ‘fun’ anecdotes about every industrial accident over the last few decades.
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47. A Dwarven bookie will 100 per cent ask if you fancy ‘a little flutter’ on the outcome of a fight. It will be funny the first time.
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48. They’re much safer on the edge of the plains, where the Bison King can look after them, than in the dangerous depths of the wood.
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49. Eliza – can you find a nicer way for me to describe him before we go to print? Cheers.
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50. My advice: just write whatever you want on the paperwork to get it over with, then do what you like once you’re down there. Nobody ever checks what you wrote at the start.
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51. During my stay I met a
