"Okay." Felix eyed me. "Be careful," he whispered.
They quickly left and now I was alone – except I wasn't. And that was the problem. Each step Felix took out was slow, hesitant, lingering. He was worried.
And, without looking, I knew Tom was watching me.
I had to do something besides sit there. So, I decided to join the others in the kitchen. I stood and then I heard a whisper.
"LeAnna."
I paused.
"You're mad at me. I didn't mean to get you sick. If I would have known I – "
I cut him off as I walked away. Heartless. That's how I felt. That's how I looked. But it's what Felix wanted. And I dared not fail him now.
"Please," he said as his last attempt, but I continued my way to the kitchen. There I sat. And stared at whatever was in front of me. At that moment, it was a fruit bowl with a spotted banana.
What else can I do? I wondered.
"LeAnna, how does meatloaf sound?" Ella asked. She was trying to engage with me. But she didn't know the world I was in. How lost I felt.
"With peas and mashed potatoes," Sarah added.
I forced a smile.
"Want to help?"
"I – well I'm still weak from the virus. I think I need to lay down for a few moments." It was much more than that. But I couldn't explain it. Ella accepted that I needed rest and sent me away.
I slipped from their presence and tried to sneak past the living room.
"Don’t do this to me. Please say something."
I didn't have to look at him to know what he looked like. He was the same depressed Tom he had been for weeks. Dark. Cold. And probably tears in his eyes.
I continued and pulled the blinds once I got to my room. I needed it to be dark. I felt miserable on the inside. I crawled on my bed, pulled the covers over my head and whispered, "I'm so sorry, Tom."
But being in bed was useless. I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned. I stayed in the covers. I got out of the covers. But nothing worked.
Just then – (and it had probably only been thirty minutes of torture, in the darkness alone. Sleepless.) – the door cracked. Light sped in. And someone walked across the floor.
"Why are you alone in the dark?" Felix asked.
"I don't know." My lie was becoming true. I wondered if I was getting sick again. Maybe I needed to quarantine for the next few months. That idea didn't sound half bad.
"Did he bother you?" His voice rose to a level that was defensive and angry. What bothered me was how quickly he jumped to the conclusion that because I didn't feel well it had to be because of Tom.
I ripped the covers off. "Tom didn't do anything. It's what I'm doing to him."
His expression changed. "Anna, what are you talking about?"
"I ignored him like you wanted. He tried to talk to me, but I acted like he wasn't there. I could feel his depression, I could feel his eyes."
"It's okay. He will get over it."
"But how? He already looks so sick. He won't eat."
"I don't like the way you care about him." Surprisingly, his voice was calm. He was calm. And he stared at me without showing any emotion. So, if he was mad, he didn't show it.
"I care about people. All people. It means nothing. I just hate being mean. Can't I just talk to him from a distance, as friends?"
With the same calmness, he said, "No." But I knew he meant business. Felix wasn't going to budge. Not if he could help it.
He came to me. "I will make you forget him."
I stared at him. He climbed next to me and leaned over me.
"What are you doing?" I sat up, pushing my head against the headboard.
"Kissing you." He pressed his lips to mine. His mouth opened and he bit my lip. I wasn't used to this. And Felix had never tried to kiss me like that before. I tried to follow his lead, but it was difficult – it felt awkward.
His hand touched my stomach and I jerked away.
"Don't do that."
"Don't do what?"
"It's not good to kiss me like that."
"I won't let it go anywhere. Trust me. "
"Sometimes things happen."
He turned over. "It's not like we were even doing anything."
"I'm just saying to be careful."
"I already know. And I don't need you to tell me."
"But I'm at risk."
"You're not at risk. Don't make it sound like that. I'm a Christian, you know."
I was done talking to him. But I knew I wasn't going to give in to that type of kissing. It wasn't right. And it could lead down dangerous roads. Meaning that there were plenty of pregnant teenagers in the world for a reason. But there was a godly way – plan, strategy, design – to keep that from happening. Because it's the innocent things that become disastrous in the end, there are certain boundaries that need to be made and established.
"Kissing like that is okay," he said gently. Persuasively.
I got up from the bed. "Actually, I don't think laying next to you is that appropriate either." And I left the room.
When I did, I saw Tom on the couch. He met my eyes quickly. Jason was sitting in his lap.
"Is Felix in your room?" Jason asked.
"No." I realized I was lying. "Well, yeah. But – "
"I saw you and Felix taking a nap in there the other day when I came in."
I walked over to him and bent down. So, I could be intimidating.
"We were not napping together, Jason. Felix had just come in to wake me."
He looked up. "Moma didn't like it when I told her."
I grabbed his arm. "What do you mean? What did you tell her?"
Now he thought it was funny and started laughing.
"Looks like you're in trouble," Tom said.
"It's not true," I snapped.
"Oh, you're going to
