“Got it,” Zach said, no longer smiling. “However, I still have no idea what’s happening and why all these people are here.”
Fabio peeked from behind the curtain and out at the full house. “I don’t recognize any of them. It’s bizarre.”
“They’re not Assjackians?” I asked, wildly relieved that the revolting assemblage wasn’t from these parts.
“Not even one,” Fabio said.
I looked around. “Where do you think Bob and the gang are?”
“Let’s check the dressing rooms,” Fabio said.
“There are dressing rooms?” Zach asked, confused.
Fabio nodded and beckoned us to follow. “Of course, there are. They double as food storage for the Shifter daycare the rest of the year, but we use them as changing rooms when we do shows. It works out nicely. Lots of applesauce and cookies if you get hungry.”
“Wait,” I said, pulling both men to a halt. “Mae Blockinschlokinberg had to have done this to get back at Bob. She was furious about being fired so she invited the who’s who of the community theatre world to demolish the reputation of the Assjacket Community Theatre. My guess is that she’s going to force us to perform.”
Fabio gasped and leaned against the wall. “Is there even a show to perform?”
Zach laughed. It held no trace of humor in it. “Hell to the no.”
We stood in silence and plotted.
“We have to get rid of the audience,” I said.
“You’re right. Want me to pull a fire alarm?” Zach suggested.
“No,” Fabio replied. “Once they realize it’s a hoax, they’ll come right back in. Those man-titties are out for blood.”
“Well, crap,” I said, trying to think of something else. “We could try poofing them away, but there are an awful lot of people out there for the three of us to poof.”
Zach nodded. “Plus, we have no clue where they came from. Don’t even know where to poof them back to.”
“We could send the Tennessee Man-Titty Thespians to a clinic for breast reduction surgery,” I said, then slapped my hand over my mouth. “Sorry, that was mean. They might be lovely people.”
“They’re not,” Fabio assured me with a chuckle and a bit of a naughty gleam in his eye.
Crap. I hope he didn’t make the knocker removal a reality. I’d feel terrible. Mean or no, if they loved their man bosoms, they should be able to keep them.
“Any other thoughts?” Zach asked.
“Yes.” Fabio looked at me as a smile began to pull at his lips. “Go sing to them, Willow. Send them on their way. If you truly want nards, this will earn them for you.”
My eyes widened and I laughed. Fabio was as dastardly as Mae Blockinschlokinberg, but in a much more hilarious and creative way.
Zach gave me a confused look. “I thought you couldn’t sing. When Roger asked, you said you couldn’t.”
“Actually, I said I shouldn’t sing,” I reminded Zach. “I can sing, but the results are kind of…”
“X-rated,” Fabio finished my sentence.
Zach’s brow raised with interest, and he waited for an explanation.
“Dryads descended from Sirens,” I explained hastily. “If I sing, I can make the entire crowd uncomfortably… umm…”
“Horny,” Fabio supplied as my face heated in embarrassment. “And if they’re horny and have even a shred of decency, they’ll skedaddle on out to scratch their itch in private. It’s a win-win. If I used magic, I’d be tempted to pop the Tennessee Man-Titty Thespians bosoms like ticks due to Willow’s outstanding idea. But I suppose just because they’re vulgar, braless, rude and wearing berets doesn’t mean they should be disfigured. However, it would be greatly satisfying, especially since the bastards panned my last show.”
Fabio had a little bit of Sassy’s talent for colorful rants. Zach and I were speechless for a brief moment.
Finding my voice to reinforce Fabio’s decision not to pop the man-knockers, I complimented him. I didn’t want to be responsible in any way for deflated bosoms. “I think that’s very big of you to let the thespians keep their boobs.”
“Yes, I agree,” Fabio said with complete sincerity. “You’ll sing, then?”
“It’s safe for you to do that?” Zach asked, worried, yet still intrigued by my newly discovered talent.
“Yep,” I replied. “It’s my choice if I want them to be aroused by me or by others.”
Zach’s ears had perked up along with his interest. “And what happens if you choose yourself?”
I wanted to melt into the floor. Zach’s father was present. This was all kinds of weird.
“Umm… I don’t know,” I admitted. “Never tried it.”
Fabio backed away and pretended to find something on the wall fascinating. Of course, he could still hear us, but it was the polite thought that counted.
Zach turned to me and pressed his forehead to mine, his hands resting on my hips. “I’d be willing to be your first test case,” he said, sending tingles all through my body.
“I believe that could be arranged,” I replied, wanting to jump his hot bod and kiss him senseless.
However, now was not a good time.
“Raincheck?” I asked with a lustful glint in my eyes that matched my warlock’s.
“Definitely,” he replied. “Soon.”
“We done here, kids?” Fabio inquired with a huge grin.
“Umm… yes,” I said with a giggle. Snapping my fingers, I conjured up noise-canceling earphones for Fabio and Zach. Making them horny was counterproductive to our plans. “Put these on,” I instructed. “This won’t take me but a minute.”
“My Goddess,” Fabio gasped out, his eyes still filled with tears from laughing. “Never seen anything quite like that.”
Zach shook his head and grinned. “I’m going to have to get some extra sessions with Roger to wipe that out of my brain.”
Slapping my hands on my hips, I glared at the dummies and tried not to laugh. “They’re gone. Right?”
“Definitely gone,” Zach said, scrubbing his hands over
