It had literally taken only one verse of Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye to get the crowd sprinting out of the building to find a hotel room. Thankfully, Assjacket didn’t have a hotel and the stimulated horde had to leave town if they wanted to alleviate their symptoms with any amount of privacy.
Of course, the desperate dash out of the community center was a comedy of errors. The Tennessee Man-Titty Thespians blacked a few eyes of the other patrons with their braless bosoms in the race to find relief. Several of the vicious gossipers, who I was fairly sure were unacquainted, were swapping spit with each other as if their lives depended on it. Served them right for talking smack about the Assjacket Community Theatre. I choked with laughter as I watched a Thespian dive straight through a glass window since there was a backup of humping Shifters at the door. Honestly, singing was a handy weapon that I’d never used all that much.
As far as gaining nards from it… I’d have to say I didn’t. However, I was no longer searching for my magical hairy beans. I had something even better. My va-jay-jay was far superior.
“Should we find our people?” Fabio suggested, wiping a stray tear of laughter from his eye.
“Yes,” I said, quite proud of myself. “I’m worried.”
“Hey,” Zach said, pulling me back as Fabio marched toward the dressing rooms. “I want you to sing for me.”
I raised my brow and crossed my arms over my chest. “I need to sing to get into your pants?”
“All you need to do is breathe in my direction, and I will happily give you my pants and anything else you want,” Zach replied with a wink. “I just thought it would be fun.”
“Deal,” I replied, grabbing his hand and following after Fabio. “As soon as you love yourself, I’ll sing to you.”
“Getting there,” Zach informed me with a lopsided grin. “I can truthfully say I like myself.”
Life was good and definitely getting more interesting.
Chapter Thirteen
Bob was bald, unibrow-less, and as pale as a ghost.
Roger wasn’t faring much better. His nose twitched a mile a minute, and his body trembled.
Sassy flew around the food storage/dressing room on her broom in complete agitation while Mae Blockinschlokinberg screamed like a banshee and her icky minions stood off to the side taking pictures.
Zorro was nowhere to be found.
“When I told you I couldn’t be fired, I meant it,” Mae Blockinschlokinberg snarled. “I will take you down along with this terrible little town.”
“Not so fast,” Zach growled as he strode into the room, interrupting the vicious dressing down in progress.
Fabio stood in the shadows by the doorway and watched with a furious expression on his face. The insane, disgustingly dressed woman didn’t even notice him.
“It’s about time,” Mae Blockinschlokinberg snapped at Zach and me. “You’re late. You will be fined a thousand dollars for your first infraction. Second infraction will garner both of you a body boiling in a kettle full of snakes. Am I clear?”
“As mud,” I snapped, wiggling my fingers and giving Bob a nice full unibrow and a headful of hair. “The audience left.”
“WHAT?” Mae Blockinschlokinberg screamed so loudly I slapped my hands over my ears. “I paid a large sum to humiliate you people and create great art. You will reimburse me and add it to my salary.” Reaching into the pocket of her muumuu and whipping out the check that Roger had paid her, she shoved it in his face. “Write one for three hundred thousand, rabbit. This one is no longer acceptable.”
Sassy divebombed Mae Blockinschlokinberg and grabbed the check from her hand. Stuffing it into her mouth, she chewed and swallowed it. “You snooze, you lose, Mae Blockinschlokinbutthole. I ate your salary.”
“Spit it out,” the heinous woman screeched.
“Can’t,” Sassy told her with a laugh. “In an hour or so I could probably return it, but not sure you’d want it then.”
Mae Blockinschlokinberg advanced on Roger, hissing and spitting with fury. He squeaked and shrank back in fear. Zach moved quickly to cut her off, but to everyone’s surprise, Bob stepped up. His face was bright red with anger, and he huffed and puffed. With each exhale, his fluffy unibrow fluttered. In his distress, Bob began his shift, but not completely. His two front beaver teeth popped out and his tiny hands became furry with claws. In any other situation, I might have giggled. Right now, I was as proud as I imagined any mother figure would be.
“You go, Bob,” I yelled, giving him a thumbs up. “You’ve got this.”
Bob nodded and puffed out his little chest. His unibrow twitched and he gnashed his teeth. “You are out of luck, Mae Blockinschlokinshitbrick. We have no more checks, and it takes months to order a new batch with all of the paperwork and the lack of enthusiasm from the Assjacket Postmistress.”
“Wait,” Sassy said, hovering in the air on her broom. “I thought I was the Assjacket Postmistress. Am I? I can’t remember.”
“You are,” Bob confirmed with a wince. “You’re doing a wonderful job.”
“Thank you!” Sassy said, beaming. “I didn’t even remember that I had the job. Someone probably sent me the contract and it was in Canadian. Not to worry. I’ll get right to work as soon as I figure out what I’m supposed to do. Cool?”
“Lovely,” Bob replied.
Mae Blockinschlokinberg was boiling like she was going to blow. I considered zapping earplugs into my friends’ ears and singing again. It would be a hilarious and humiliating payback to see Mae Blockinschlokinberg and her posse hump each other, but something else was wrong here. There was a distinct lack of fabulous in the room.
“Where’s Zorro?” I asked, glancing around.
Mae Blockinschlokinberg smiled. It wasn’t pretty. She pulled a piece of paper from her pocket and waved it in the air. “He quit. Left a note and left town.”
“Bullshit,” Zach said, narrowing his eyes dangerously at the woman. “Zorro would not leave Assjacket without telling us.”
“Well, he
