I felt Rager with me again, his presence, and saw him when I looked at Pace. Holding our son in my arms, I let myself believe, even though I couldn’t see or hear him, that Rager was with us, fighting.
Cupping Pace’s cheeks in my hands, I repeated what my dad had said to me earlier. “You know how Daddy runs a big loud engine in his car?”
Pace nodded, nearing tears.
“Well inside that engine, there are moving pieces inside it. Things that keep it going. Like belts, oil, and spark. You can’t take any of those away because if you do, the engine doesn’t run. Do you know what that means?”
His dark brow furrowed like Rager’s did when he was thinking. “It doesn’t go?”
“Exactly. The car would stop. So if me and you, and your brothers and sister are those parts inside the engine and we give up, what does that mean?”
He drew in a quick breath, as if he was trying so hard not to cry. I kissed each one of his red cheeks as he whispered, “Our engine doesn’t work?” his attention on my necklace Rager gave me on our first wedding anniversary—a spring car wing with the number 99 in diamonds.
“Yep. We have to keep going and working through this so our engine doesn’t quit. Daddy needs us to keep this going for him so we’re gonna be super strong and do our jobs, aren’t we?”
He dropped the necklace charm from his fingertips. It hit my chest about as hard as his forced smile. “I won’t let Daddy down.”
“You never could, Pace. He loves you so much.”
With our little boy in my arms, I let myself weaken slightly, knowing the only way to win the race would be to fall back and wait for an opening.
TWO DAYS LATER, they were able to decrease Rager’s sedation and allow him to wake up on his own. His swelling had come down and the lung was almost healed. It’d still be another few days before the ventilator was removed, but having him look at me and squeeze my hand gave me hope.
“I love you,” I told him, over and over again.
He blinked slowly, watching me carefully, trying to breath over the ventilator.
I looked at the nurse. “Is he in pain?”
“He’s anxious,” the nurse told me. “They all act this way when they’re awake and still on the ventilator. It’s not comfortable.”
I squeezed his cold hand once more. “The kids can’t wait to come see you.”
That did nothing for his mood. He scowled, trying to shift in the bed but wasn’t able to since they had his hands constrained to the bed. His heart rate increased and the nurse noticed. “We should let him rest.”
I ended up leaving, fearing I was upsetting him. Rager didn’t even look at me. Outside the room, I immediately burst into tears in the hallway where my dad was waiting for me.
“I don’t know what I’m doing,” I sobbed into his chest. “Everything I say is wrong.”
Dad chuckled and rubbed my back. “Try being a man. Ninety percent of what we say is wrong.”
I cried harder.
“It’s a lot to take in for him,” Dad said, his voice softer. “He’s confused and in pain. Give him some time.”
I knew it would, but it still wasn’t easy to see.
After leaving Rager’s room, I went down the hall to check on Kinsley, who’d been with Caden. She was seated in a chair next to his bed, her legs pulled up and her arms wrapped around them. Her chin rested on her knee, her face, tired, consumed, worried.
“Do you need anything?” I asked, struggling to see this side of her. Though I knew once Rager woke up, he would eventually return to racing, it was heartbreaking to be in this room and know the outcome was completely different.
“My milk dried up,” she whispered, tears in her eyes. “My life is slowly falling apart, and I can’t even give my baby the one thing I should be able to.”
I didn’t know what to say to her, but just as my dad had been there for me, I needed to give Kinsley words of wisdom, if I had any. I sat next to her. “You’re a great mom, Kinsley. You’re just stressed out, and that’s to be expected. That’s not your fault.”
Her eyes drifted to him again. “I just want him to wake up. I want to see that adorable smile I fell in love with and those pretty brown eyes. I don’t want to think about anything but that.”
And then I thought about how Rager comforted me when my mom was in the hospital having surgery. “Tell me your favorite memory of her.” And the night I found out my grandpa died. We were in the hallway, and he was still wearing his racing suit. I was wearing pajamas having come from home. He’d wrapped his arms around me and drew me into his chest. I’d never felt so safe in that moment as I did when he held me. He whispered, “He’s with you, even when he isn’t anymore.”
I hated that the man I relied on to comfort me was now attached to tubes, but I also needed to be here for Kinsley. So I played the role I needed and wanted to. I pulled up a chair next to her and held her hand. “Tell me your favorite memory of him? The moment you knew you loved him.”
Her smile was almost instant. Like a flick of a match, she lit up and told me everything about how they started. She was fifteen when she met him and Willamette Speedway in Lebanon Oregon. He was sixteen and raced his first sanctioned National ASCS race that he won. Her cousin Nova introduced them and they stayed up until three in the morning talking. They didn’t see each other again until her and Nova snuck out of the house and drove
