“I will,” I promise before watching her back out of the room.
I’m not ready for today. Not that I think I ever could be.
I move on autopilot as I get myself in the shower and begin getting ready. I try to keep my imagination in check to stop it wandering to my parents’ and sister’s funeral all those years ago. I prayed that day that I’d never have to say goodbye to anyone ever again. But here we are, what feels like only days later despite the fact it’s been years, and I’m doing it all over again.
Why me? Why does everyone who is supposed to be here to support and love me have to leave?
I blow-dry my hair, leaving it curly as I know my aunt liked it, and apply some light makeup. In reality, I’m going to wash it all away with tears in the coming hours.
Standing at my closet like Bailey did not so long ago, I run my eyes over everything, trying to find the right dress. Nothing feels quite right. Add that to the fact that I feel totally bloated and sick right now, and nothing really appeals.
In the end, I pull out a long, flowing floral maxi dress that’s covered in big bright flowers and team it with a pink cardigan.
Glancing at myself in the mirror, a small smile turns up the corner of my lips. She’d approve of this. I turn to the side and run my hand over my stomach. Despite the fact that I feel more bloated than I ever have in my life, it’s not at all noticeable.
Sucking in one huge breath, I head out of my sanctuary in search of Bailey.
The smell of her coffee filling the kitchen makes my stomach turn over, but thankfully, I manage to keep the toast down for now.
She turns to me, her eyes softening as she takes in my outfit. “You look lovely.”
“You too.”
“There’s a stack of unopened cards on the coffee table if you’d like to look at them.”
“Uh… no, I think today is already going to be hard enough.”
She nods. “You need anything before we go? More food? Drink?”
“I’m good, thanks. I just need… I just need to do this—say goodbye—and then I can focus on the future.” My hand presses against my stomach, a move that Bailey doesn’t miss.
She opens her mouth to say something, but I cut her off, already knowing what she’s going to say.
“I know, I’ll talk to him soon. I promise.”
Our journey to the church is in silence. Bailey holds my hand the entire way and never once lets go.
My best friend might be all kinds of crazy at times, but I’d never swap her. She’s… incredible. I never would have got through any of this without her. She’s like my guardian angel.
“Thank you,” I whisper, turning to her.
“What for?”
“This,” I nod to our joined hands. “Everything. I just need you to know that I really appreciate it.”
“I know you do, sweetie. I also know that you’d do the exact same thing for me.”
I smile at her. I’d do anything for her.
The second we’re out of the car, I’m pulled into her parents’ arms. Sarah sobs as she holds me while her dad is more stoic, like always, when he wraps an arm around my shoulder.
They both speak to me, but aside from the standard ‘we’re sorry for your loss’ I don’t hear a word of it.
I’m too numb.
Rylee runs over the second she sees me and wraps her arms around my shoulders, holding me tightly. When she pulls back, her eyes are filled with tears.
“You’ve got this, Harlow.” She reaches down and squeezes my hand as Colton joins us.
I glance around the people loitering outside the church and find all their eyes on him. For once, I’m glad of his presence, even if I’m about to do something stupid, because it means no one is looking at me, waiting for me to break.
“Harlow, we’re so sorry for your loss.”
“Thank you. And thank you for being here. I really appreciate it, and not just because everyone is staring at you and not me right now.”
He chuckles, “I do aim to please,” he winks, and my face flushes beet red while Rylee slaps his shoulder.
“I can’t take you anywhere.”
Grateful that I was able to stay solidly on both feet and not accidently grope him, I make my excuses and wander over to see the vicar so he can talk through proceedings.
My aunt wasn’t an overly religious person, but this church was where her parents got married and the only place she wanted to say her own vows. There was no doubt in my mind that it’s where she’d want to be today.
With Bailey on one side of me and her mom the other, they hold my hands to try to keep my steady through the service.
It’s beautiful, it really is. And having organized it herself, I really feel her presence. I never would have done such a good job if I had to plan it all over the past few days.
All too soon, we’re forced to say our final goodbyes and are walking back out.
My legs move, but I don’t register that I’m going anywhere. The previous numbness has turned into total emptiness. All I want to do is go running back to my bedroom to hide.
There aren’t all that many people here. My aunt kept her circle quite small, but even still, it’s too many to deal with. Some of their interest in the celebrity in our midst has waned, and I’m feeling more eyes burning into me. Each pair is full of sympathy. I’ve no doubt they know my story if they knew my aunt.
“I’m proud of you,” Bailey whispers, coming back to join me. She’s hardly left my side, for which I’m grateful.
“He didn’t come.” I don’t mean for the words to come out loud, and I gasp when I realize
