“Don’t be.” She sighed. “If I had let it go on any longer—”
“Not about the way things ended,” Hunter interrupted her, shaking his head. “But for the part I played in putting you in a position where you needed to look for love in someone else.”
A frown crawled over Carmen’s face at that, the tugging in her chest growing painful now. Something about the way it was worded didn’t seem right. She hadn’t looked for love in Asa, had she? It hadn’t been like that.
“I didn’t have to look for love when it came to him, you know,” she looked down at her hands, greasy fingers playing with each other, “it was just there. As if he was just saving it all for me and wasn’t shy about showering me with it whenever he could.”
Hunter’s eyes narrowed, and he cocked his head to the side as if analysing her. “You have feelings for him,” he stated, not really questioning it.
Carmen’s eyes snapped to him in surprise. “Of course I do. Why on earth would you think otherwise?”
His mouth turned down in confusion. “So…can’t you—can’t you just ask him to wait ’till you’re ready to begin a relationship?”
“After everything that I’ve done, do you really think he’s going to believe a word that I say?” Carmen shook her head, turning away and staring into space. “It’s one thing to not tell someone you’re in love with them when they’ve said it to you. But to say it back and then tell them you never meant it? No, Hunter, I can’t. I can’t ask any more of him. Time is all that he’s given me, and I just proved to him he put all that effort and trust in someone who didn’t deserve an ounce of it. He has all right to feel the way he’s feeling now.”
“But he’s in love with you.”
“It’ll fade,” Carmen muttered, feeling her chest squeeze, “It has to.”
Hunter let out a short laugh. “Is that what you’re hoping for, Carmen? That your feelings will fade?”
She pressed her lips tightly together, not looking at him. “Yes,” she eventually replied. “It will.”
Through her peripheral vision, she saw Hunter place the bowl from his lap onto the coffee table and then turn around sideways so that he was completely facing her. “And what if it doesn’t?” he challenged, his eyes drilling holes into the side of her head. “I’m not good with all this couple shit, but I’m smart enough to know there’s an alternative to every situation. So, tell me then, what if your feelings don’t fade? What if it just grows, Carmen? Because that can happen, right? Once you’re in a better place than you are in right now—”
“I thought you said you were done with heavy topics for tonight.”
“Shut up,” he snapped, making Carmen flinch but before she could say anything else, he was speaking again, his tone merciless and harsh. “Don’t try to shut me out when I talk about something you don’t like hearing! I had thought that you’d have learnt your lesson about pushing people away by now, especially since it cost you the possible love of your life.”
Carmen froze, the air leaving her lungs at the brutality of his words and that icy tone he’d just used on her, causing her to just blink at him in stunned silence. Something must have shown on Carmen’s face though, because Hunter’s demeanour instantly softened and regret flashed across his face.
“Hey,” he murmured, shifting closer. “I didn’t—it wasn’t supposed to come out sounding like that, okay? I’m, I’m sorry—it’s just…” he trailed off and Carmen watched him struggle, jaw clenching and relaxing again and again until he just sighed heavily. “This is new. Trying to be supportive—just being there for you… Being civil towards you—it still feels like a dream sometimes and I’m just. I’m still getting used to it.”
And maybe Carmen did get it because how long had Hunter spent hidden behind his walls? Behind a hard as steel exterior? And, now, here he was, trying to be soft for her, trying to soften himself.
After a long moment, Carmen just exhaled softly and relaxed against the cushions. “Its fine,” she mumbled. “I just don’t want to think about the alternative, that’s all.”
“Well.” He shrugged. “I’m going to make you think about it anyway. Because you convincing yourself of something not going to happen, doesn’t mean it won’t happen, Carmen.”
“Don’t,” she said quietly, the word falling past her lips in a plea as her eyes closed momentarily. “Please don’t. I know you’re trying to help, but I just need you to be here for me, okay? None of that tough love right now. I just want you to be here, that’s all. Just this once.”
Hunter seemed to debate with himself before his shoulders slumped in defeat, and he sank into the couch. “All right, Carmen,” he said softly. “I’m here. You’ve got me.”
Carmen’s eyes opened, and she met Hunter’s blue ones that, for once, didn’t look like a frozen river but a gentle sea. “Thank you,” she murmured, shooting him the tiniest of smiles.
But even after Carmen closed her eyes again to welcome sleep, it was a pair of coffee-coloured ones that stared right back at her in the darkness.
And in that darkness, she heard it: “mi amor mi cielo mi sol”.
And like a loyal shadow, the rest followed.
“I hate you. I hate you. I hate you”.
•••
Somewhere along the first week of January, Carmen found herself seated on a rather comfortable sofa, not that it did much to ease her nervousness.
The small room was decorated in soft tones: cream walls, two identical sofas of a very light shade of grey with cream-coloured throw pillows on them that were separated by a small round coffee table.
The window on
