“Can…can I say something?” Carmen finally spoke, her voice quiet and hesitant.
No. Asa wanted to say no.
“Sure,” he said easily.
“I don’t want to hurt you.” She swallowed audibly, the tremble in her voice unmistakable now. “But I don’t know how not to do that by saying what I want to say.”
I’d still be in love with you, Asa wanted to say. But something told him Carmen didn’t want to hear those words right now. Hell, he didn’t know if she ever wanted to hear him say that to her again.
“I’m a big boy.” His lips curved into a smile, but his chest was constricting and stomach coiling into painful knots. “I can take it.”
She offered him a small smile in return, as her eyes met his, seemingly buying his relaxed facade.
“It’s just that…when you say you love someone—” she looked away, “—it’s supposed to be about opening up. That kind of intimate confession should be about wearing your heart on your sleeve, baring your soul wide open for the other person to see…” Carmen’s fingers found her chain, and the fidgeting began again. “But…when you—when—” she sighed deeply, “—when you told me you loved me, it didn’t feel like you were opening up to me. It felt like you were dumping on me.” Her fingers tightened around her chain. “And there’s a difference between opening up and dumping something on someone.”
If the silence was uncomfortable before, it was downright suffocating now.
For a few seconds—but really long seconds—Asa couldn’t hear anything but his breathing faltering and the blood pounding in his ears.
He didn’t know how he wanted to react. Scream? Pull out his hair? Tell her it was all right and that he understood? Storm out? Remain speechless as he listened to something inside him shatter repeatedly?
He didn’t know. He didn’t know. He didn’t know.
But he managed to find his voice soon enough.
“Which is why I apologised.” His tone sounded unintentionally harsh, borderline defensive even. He had taken off that armour and allowed her to see the boy underneath it, but her words seemed to be bringing those walls crashing down on him—painfully. “Because I figured you weren’t expecting it, because I knew I’d put you on the spot. And for the record, I didn’t plan that. It just happened, and I was just as shocked as you were when I said it, so you weren’t the only one I put on the spot—”
“Why are you getting defensive?” She whipped her head around to stare at him in confusion and slight annoyance.
Asa cursed under his breath and stood up abruptly, throwing his hands into the air. “Because when someone tells you they’re in love with you, you don’t throw it back in their face!”
“What did you expect? For me to say it back?!” She narrowed her eyes at him, her chest heaving in a suppressed tornado of emotions.
“Goddammit, Carmen!” he snapped, jaw clenching, “I don’t care if you never say it back to me. When I tell you I love you, I say it because I do. Not because I’m expecting something in return! And if you don’t know that about me by now...” he let the sentence hang, turning away from her and pressing his lips into a thin line.
Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.
He could feel that rash part of him clawing at the insecure parts of his mind; he could hear the whispers telling him to run. But he fought back against the voices, He resisted the temptation to storm out the door and never look back because taking down his armour was terrifying, but it was also what allowed him to be here, with Carmen.
So he fought back against the part of him that wanted to build those walls back up. He fought against it because Carmen West was worth fighting for.
Regaining his composure and breathing deeply so that the slight tremble in his fingers was no longer because of anger but due to all the raw emotion coursing through him, he walked closer to Carmen and then crouched down in front of her.
“Look.” His voice was gentle as he took one of her palms in both his hands and cradled it against his chest. “I wasn’t supposed to say it, not like that anyway. But you need to know it was sudden for me, too. And it was just as hard for me to realise I’d actually said it as it was for you to hear it. So I don’t expect you to jump up with joy or tell me you love me in return, but Carmen—” There was a flash of pain in his eyes. “You don’t get to analyse what I said, okay? Dissecting it and then coming to the conclusion that it was me dumping on you than opening up to you? That was… that was out of line.”
“I’m s—”
“It’s one thing for you to not be ready to accept it, but a wholly different thing to just blatantly disregard what I said like that.”
“I know, I’m so—”
“And you didn’t ev—”
“Asa!”
He stopped speaking, his mouth falling open in shock at her yelling. “What?”
Carmen let out an exasperated breath. “I’m trying to say I’m sorry and you keep interrupting me,” she deadpanned.
“Oh.” He blinked once. Then again.
“Yes, oh.”
Asa’s cheeks grew warm ,and he shot her a breath-taking smile in return. “Well then, thank you for uh, apologising.”
“You know, technically speaking, I didn’t apologise yet because you kept cutting me off.”
“Eh, it’s the thought that counts.” He shrugged, the smile slowly morphing into a wide grin.
And when she grinned back at him then, and with that subtle shake of her head, Asa’s chest didn’t feel so constricted anymore.
•••
Asa and Carmen were walking towards his red truck, the conversation flowing
