“Carmen…”
“I don’t know how to deal with being loved by you,” she said in a pained voice. “I don’t know how to deal with being loved.” She took in a deep, shuddering breath, and Asa felt his heart break for her along with it.
“What are you talking about?” His voice sounded hoarse to his own ears. He hated, hated, hated hearing the raw hurt in her voice. “People love you. Your dad loves you.”
She let out a weak chuckle. “Because he has to, right? Because he raised me, and the feeling comes naturally with all those years spent by my side. That kind of love is out of duty, not choice.” There was another pause. “But when you said you—when you said it, I know it was out of your own choice. Out of your free will and… I don’t know how to—I don’t know.”
“You once told me that I have a beautiful inside,” he reminded her. “Do you remember?”
Carmen nodded, eyes watering and gleaming.
“And you also told me that I make this world a better place,” he continued. “Do you still believe that?”
She nodded again. “And I always will.”
“Okay then,” —he exhaled, a tired smile crawling over his face— “because when you told me what a nice inside I have or how you think the kind of person I am makes this world a better place—if you really meant all that you said—I want you to remember that it’s that same person telling you he’s absolutely and unapologetically in love with your heart and your soul and your mind.” He brushed his lips on the back of her palm that was resting cosily in his hand. “And something tells me you’d never doubt the sincerity of a person like that.”
When Carmen smiled at him then, her lips shaking and her eyes watery, Asa fell in love with her all over again.
Carmen West had been everybody’s rock for far too long, and she needed a rock of her own to hold onto now that her world was crumbling around her. And Asa would be that for her. An anchor, a safe place for her to seek solace in, a sanctuary—he’d be whatever she needed him to be ‘till she picked up the pieces of her broken heart and glued them back together.
Maybe he didn’t know how to fix her by himself and maybe it wasn’t up to him. But what he most definitely could do without a sliver of hesitancy was love her wholeheartedly while she saved herself.
And that was what he would do.
42.
Brother Dearest
Asa had just stepped into the general boys’ locker room, accustomed to using the one at the swimming pool building only whenever necessary, when all conversation suddenly stopped and every single head turned in his direction.
The soft smile that had unintentionally slipped onto his face when he replayed a conversation between him and Carmen instantly fell and he froze momentarily.
“Asa,” the swimming coach called out, nodding casually at him.
“Coach.” Asa nodded back, regaining his composure and stepping further in, letting the door swing shut behind him.
“We were just talking about the interstate swimming meet,” Wyatt said in an airy tone, obviously trying to ease the tension that was now almost tangible in the air.
“Yeah,” somebody else spoke up, “and about how Carson is not going to be able to take part in it.” His tone had a bitter edge. “Convenient for you, isn’t it? You’ve got no competition now.”
Asa stared at the sophomore with incredulity, genuinely clueless as to what he was talking about. “What the hell are you going on about? Obviously, Carson can compete in the meet; you’re exaggerating the damage I did to him.”
Wyatt shook his head. “Gabe’s not talking about Carson’s injuries. Didn’t you hear? Hendrickson isn’t allowing Carson to enter the meet either.” He didn’t bother keeping the glee out of his tone, earning a dirty look from Gabe, the sophomore.
Asa blinked, obviously taken aback at this news. “I—I didn’t know…” and neither did he know how to feel.
On one hand, he was euphoric something fair was actually happening, that Carson was being punished for his disgusting behaviour as much as Asa himself was being punished for getting into a brawl.
On the other hand, though—despite his dislike for Carson—Asa knew he was every bit the passionate swimmer as himself. He knew how crushed he’d felt when he was told he couldn’t be a contestant and Asa didn’t think he’d wish that sinking sensation upon someone else.
“I’m sure.” Ronnie snorted, apparently not believing that Asa didn’t know about this.
“Dude, shut up,” Hayden muttered. “Carson had it coming anyway. He never knew how to keep his mouth shut.”
“Well, Asa could’ve just thought with his brains rather than his dick that day,” Gabe snapped. “Now all he’s done is ruin this school’s chance of winning that championship.”
“Wanna say that again?” Wyatt asked threateningly, eyes narrowing into slits.
“All right, that’s enough.” Coach’s authoritative tone cut off any further arguments. “Shit happens. Shit already did happen. So quit your whining. Jesus, even the cheerleaders don’t make such a fuss when they lose a competition.” Then he left the room.
“Cheerleading isn’t even a sport,” Ronnie snickered after the coach was out of earshot.
“Don’t let Isla hear you say that,” Asa muttered, not hearing his own words until after he’d said them.
He didn’t expect the sudden jolt of pain, he really didn’t. Defending her, speaking up for what Isla believed in even though they weren’t on speaking terms anymore. It was so natural for him to do so, and it hit him like a punch to his gut.
Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.“Right,” one of the seniors drawled, a suggestive tone lacing his voice.
