She fumbled her way towards me and ran out. Leaving me alone, exactly what I’d wanted. But as soon as she left, I felt the warmth disappear and the chill rise through my entire body.
15
“I am all in a sea of wonders. I doubt; I fear; I think strange things, which I dare not confess to my own soul.” ― Bram Stoker, Dracula
Madison
The fall leaves evaporated, dissolving softly into a blanket of pure, angel-white snow. I’d managed to keep myself busy, pouring all my energy into my studies. Kyler turned nineteen. Little fanfare was had, and I only found out that night at dinner when Monica announced that she’d offered to order him a cake to celebrate, but he’d declined by slamming the door of the pool house in her face. A fight began then, with Tamlin accusing her mother of being cold and uncaring, and Monica complaining about how spoiled both of her children became despite her best efforts.
Kyler’s birthday was an unhappy one, had by all, and he’d avoided it completely, his motorcycle parked outside the pool house all day and most of the night.
I avoided all the Sinclairs over the coming months, even giving Tamlin space, splitting my time between the library and the guesthouse and avoiding as many family dinners as possible. My mother was kept busy most days and nights, always with Mrs. Sinclair, their heads joined together, thick as thieves.
I’d avoided Kyler since the night he’d kissed me and then discarded me like trash. I wanted nothing to do with him and the whiplash he brought with him. Calling Kyler a head case was the understatement of the century.
Most of my nights were spent eating dinner alone at the kitchen table, followed by cuddling in my bed with a book before drowsiness took over and I drifted into a fitful sleep.
I was shocked when I woke to the sound of tapping on the front door one night. Turning over, the clock read just after two in the morning, so I climbed out groggily only to find mom was already there.. She picked up the small package, the only thing on the porch, wrapped in recycled brown paper with a red, silk bow wrapped around it.
“It’s for you.” Mom handed me the gift and right there in pretty handwriting my full name was written in cursive.
Madison
I pulled on the pretty bow and it unraveled in gentle waves, the soft fabric hitting the floor at my bare feet. I gently unpacked the present and was surprised to find an iPhone. Attached to it was a little note that said listen to me.
“Who’s it from?” Mom peered over my shoulder.
“No idea.” I walked back into my room, closing the door, not wanting to discuss any of it with my mother, because deep down, I knew who it was from.
Kyler. It was the only thing that made sense; he was the only person, other than Tammy, that I’d gotten to know here.
Laying back on my pillows, I stared at the gift, tracing my finger along the brightly lit screen. My fingers searching for the playlist as if they had a mind of their own. I wasn’t even a little surprised to find one custom playlist titled: Songs for Maddy
There were three songs. I hit play.
The first was Isolation by Joy Division. A song about brimming with loneliness, disillusionment and shame. I listened to the lyrics, playing them repeatedly before moving on to the next one. The next song was Wake Me Up by Avicii. This song I already knew and loved, but listening to it now in this context, the upbeat tempo wasn’t my focus but the message of a life unlived and regret the only reality. The last song was Come as You Are by Nirvana, a song I was very familiar with. One thing that was interesting about all of them, the one commonality other than how each was incredibly sad in their own right, they also all happened to be written by men that’d ended up killing themselves.
I didn’t know what to think, only quiet panic took hold of my heart and twisted violently, making it hard for me to breathe. All these months I’d just thought of Kyler as a callous jerk, but what if something else was really happening? I’d seen the way he was worried about Tammy...the way he could be so gentle and kind. It was almost as if something overtook him physically when bouts of kindness shone through the darkness that made him push people away. The only way he seemed to self-regulate was through cruelty. One thing I didn’t know...why now? Why did Kyler feel like now--months after our kiss, months after avoiding each other fully and completely--that he needed to send me this?
I threw the iPhone on the bed, turned away and tried to will myself back to sleep. Every time I closed my eyes I saw Kyler’s piercing blue gaze staring intensely back at me. Leaving me restless, feverishly hot and cold all at the same time.
16
“Be with me always - take any form - drive me mad! Only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you! Oh, God! It is unutterable! I can not live without my life! I can not live without my soul!” ― Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights
Kyler
It’d been months since I’d last spoken to the little mouse.
It should have been a relief, but I was a mess, more of a mess than I already was. Madison had managed to weasel her way into my blood, settling there like a virus waiting to infect my entire being, until all I could do was obsess about her.
She attacked so hard and fast that she’d left me reeling. I wanted to be near her. I skulked around campus and the manor like a creeper,
