I loved how she held her pen while she took notes, every few minutes patting the paper, as if proud of her small accomplishments. She was a ray of sunshine in my otherwise dreary life. I didn’t know what to do or say. There were too many times I was a complete jerk to her, and if she never spoke to me again, no one--not even me--would blame her. She’d become a fucked up obsession for me. I needed to be around her. It was a compulsion I couldn’t explain. Madison was the first person in my life that actually made me feel like I could breathe.
It was an uncomfortable feeling.
I found myself walking around the grounds near the guesthouse, thinking that she might come out and I could tease her until that pretty, pink blush bloomed on her delicate, creamy skin. But no matter how long I walked around hoping to accidentally on purpose bump into her, she eluded me.
I finally couldn’t take it and knew that I’d need to do something to get her attention. I needed her to think about me as much as I thought about her. I wanted her to have my face burned into her brain, the way hers was branded on mine. So I sent her an iPhone with some songs. Songs that told her how I felt without actually having to talk to her.
I wasn’t good with words; they’d been cut out of me at a young age, replaced with poison and unwavering anger. That was all I’d known until that day in the library when I saw Maddy. Finally, after all these years of loneliness and contempt, replaced by hope. Until I ruined it. Every night I would close my eyes and see the pain and shame replacing the warmth and kindness in hers.
“Nice to see things never change.” Tammy’s voice barged into my space, clearing me from the fog taking over in my mind.
“So they sprung you from the nut house?” I asked, walking to her to give her a hug. It’d been ninety days since I’d last seen my sister. After the alcohol and Rohypnol poisoning, my parents had sent her to this fancy Beverly Hills detox center. Apparently, Tammy had been on a cocktail of pain meds and booze for almost six months. Something that everyone had been too busy to see until that night.
“It was a rehabilitation center. Thank you very much.” Tammy walked over to my fridge, helping herself to a bottle of water. “You gonna come to the house for dinner tonight?”
“Monica told me about her little get together.”
“I need you there, Ky, please.” She pouted while batting her eyelashes.
“That shit won’t work on me. But I’ll be there for you.”
“Thanks, Ky. Hey, have you seen Maddy around?” At the sound of Maddy’s name, my heart started thundering in my chest.
“Not since the night you were taken to the hospital,” I lied, not wanting my sister to know that all I had been doing was stalking Maddy like a fuckin lunatic.
“What’s going on between you two, anyway?”
“Nothing. She’s Monica’s pet project kid.”
My sister stared at me, her eyes ice cold and calculating. “Kyler, why are you lying?” She walked over to me, resting her hand on my arm. “It’s ok to be happy. I miss your smile. I miss you. I haven’t seen that kid in a long time. The fun, easygoing guy who was fun and funny. I see a glimpse of him when she’s around. She makes you better.” She whacked me on the arm when she felt like things might have been getting a little too intense. “Don’t be an idiot.”
She leaned in and for a moment the panic ran through me before she stopped and walked out, leaving me alone with all these feelings. I needed to see Madison. My sister was right; she was the only thing that made it all bearable.
Nothing had been bearable for eight years.
17
“I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship.” ― Louisa May Alcott, Little Women
Madison
“Don’t forget dinner at the main house. Please be there at six and don’t be late,” Mom yelled as she was heading out the door.
“That’s in thirty minutes. Ever heard about giving a girl a warning?” I hollered back, jumping off the couch to run to the closet. I really didn’t want to be forced in the same room as Kyler, but I also didn’t want to not be there for Tammy. This was her first dinner with everyone since she had come back from the treatment center. I felt bad that I didn’t attempt to stay in better contact with her, but then again I really didn’t know what to say or how to say it. I stared at my boring clothing, trying to figure out what would be appropriate for a dinner at the Sinclair manor. I was sure they would all be dressed to the nines and my mother and I would just stand out as we always did here.
I finally settled on wearing what I always did, jeans and a warm winter sweater. Walking over to the main house, I passed Kyler’s pool house and was tempted to knock on the door. I wasn’t sure why I wanted to see him after the way he treated me, but that song list he sent made me feel like maybe he needed to explain his behavior. He owed me at least that. But my own pride wouldn’t allow me to make the first move. Those three songs weren’t good enough; I deserved more. Pulling my coat tighter against me, I walked on, ignoring the tiny twinge in my heart.
When I got to the house, my mom and Monica were already placing plates and
